Big hugs to you Maureen..
I am going thru a similar situation, I feel I am unlovable too, my partner of 5 years broke up with me, I a blaming myself as I feel I don’t deserve to be loved, I’m a very kind and beautiful person, but I have so much fears, I’m scared to fully accept love into my life, I find it hard even to love myself, so honestly I know what you are feeling.I have low self esteem, it’s been 2 months since he left me, I sometimes wonder if I will find love again.. Slowly I am trying to face my fears, the members here are precious, their support is amazing…
It is great you are into therapy, it will help you understand better what is happening and you will emerge a stronger person..
Kadija

Loving girl
Reading your post I see a lot of similarities from my own situation with my boyfriend, the difference is we have been together 5 yrs, which is a long time, there is so many ups and downs, we use to live together but now we live apart, in a way its for the best, before he never use to take me out, now we plan outings together, he buys me presents, we do a lot more as a couple than when we were living together, the only sad thing is… we rarely discuss about the relationship, and if we do, it always ends in arguments.

we were both married and divorced, in our 40′, have kids from previous partner. like you I do meet other guys, but cannot bond as I do have feelings for my boyfriend, sometimes I feel a lot of bitterness towards him cause of the arguments we have from time to time, and also the uncertainty of the relationship. at times I switch off my fone so he cannot contact me, other times I block his number, I know its a bit childish, the relationship goes hot and cold, some weeks he will text me and call all the time, some weeks I have to chase him all the time..its draining and at the same time I know its affecting both of us, cause we just cant communicate, So I know how u feel about this situation. I keep taking back everything that I say to him too, he rarely speaks or argues with me, seems like hes ok with the way things are..If I have a concernand tells him, its like he goes cold on me, withdraws and avoids the issue.

Sorry to say but I think relationships like that rarely works, people keep drifting apart, in my case I do feel this way, just that maybe I have not found the right person to move on and maybe him too…..cause if 2 people really cares, surely they will find reasons to make it work.if one is willing to try and the other isn’t,
Your bf seems like hes unsure of this relationship, like they say, one foot in the door and one is out the door, in my opinion just back off for a bit and let him miss u, if its meant to be it will be, don’t chase him or call or text, I know its hard, but focus on other things, let him figure out what he wants, surely we cant force anyone to love us. Be patient, when he calls be polite and do not mention anything about the relationship, just keep your cool, he will see a change in you and if he wants to work things out, let him lead. don’t push anything.

take care
kadija

An ex is and ex for a reason, I feel if someone is not over their ex, they still keep the contact and not caring about the feelings of the new person in their lives, reason being they are not over their ex, otherwise why would someone compromise a good relationship for the sake of an ex?? , Im friends with guys that ive dated before, but in no way would I allow this to mess up my relationship, keeping contact, causes trust issues in a new relationship, Ive learnt from experience, it makes that new person in your life insecure and it leads to all sorts of trust issues, im not saying we cant be friends with an ex, just that we must keep our boundaries, Ive known people choosing their ex over their new partner, just because their new partner was insecure about them being best friend with their ex..

Maine kidoko, please don’t feel bad or guilty about these accusations, somehow he contributed as well to what happen in the relationship, if he truly cared about your feelings, im sure he would not have deleted you from his life just like that, any girl would be insecure if their boyfriend was chatting away and spending time with the ex…please stop thinking that you overeact. Your bf is not showing any consideration to your feelings, and no you are not a negative person.

Bernadette

Hi Sandy
Sounds like this guys loves himself too much to have any love for anyone else,, do you see yourself in a long term relationship with him? you’ve said it yourself, damn shallow and silly, yes I have met these kind of guys, they have nothing to offer to a relationship, they love the idea of being in a relationship but guess what? you will have to do all the hard work to keep the relationship together, this is the reason he told you to accept him as he is…. He knows the way he is and he wont have time to change for anyone, he is too busy with himself to care for anyone else, Ive dated someone similar sometime ago, it lasted only 3 months, luckily I saw him for what he truly was and ended it before he broke my heart.
No you are not looking for perfectionism, you are looking for a normal relationship were two people meet each other halfway, just know there is nothing wrong with you and what you are asking is perfectly normal.

B

Courageous

Sorry to hear you are in so much pain from the breakdown of your relationship, hugs to u….. whatever your husband is saying or doing to put you down is out of his guilt, that’s his problem, he knows he is the one in the wrong and he knows hes hurt you badly by cheating on you, and he wants to make you feel guilty for his actions, please don’t listen to his abuse and harsh words.. again that’s his problems…

I have a friend who is going thru exactly the same thing with her husband, they have been married for 16yrs with 2 young children, they are in their mid 40’s, her husband left her 2wks ago to be with a 22yr old girl, my friend is in so much shock, she didn’t have a clue what was going on, she feels like her world is finish, and her husband is doing exactly the same things by disrespecting her with abusive words,
I totally understand how you feel cause I can see the way my friend is hurting, but please know this is normal, the pain the sleepless nights, the empty feeling, those are all part of the grieving process, you will feel better eventually, take one step at a time, I am going thru a break up too, it hurts but I still have to look after myself and keeping busy and doing things for myself, things I didn’t do when I was in a relationship, because all my precious time was trying to please my ex and forgetting that I have needs too.
I find that just reading a good book, doing my hair and nails and buying a nice outfit and wearing it are ways that makes me feel that little bit better about myself, and im taking each day as it comes, I find it helpful to also look at the relationship for what it really was and not how I wanted it to be, I don’t just look at the good times, I look at the times he didn’t really give a damn if we were happy or not…. those are the stuff thats helping me to move on slowly with my life.

You can do it too, no matter what happens just know you are a beautiful person and deserve to be treated with love and respect, the problem is with your husband and not with you, he is the one who wanted to end the marriage, not you, the grass is not always greener on the other side as some people thinks, if someone truly love and appreciate their relationship they will do everything to fight and make it work, sometimes people just want the easy way out and find something new. Just know it s not your fault, we can love someone but we cant force them to love us back, right now try your best to appreciate you for who you are, take some time off to be with yourself and channel all your energies on taking care of you and loving you.

Take care

Bernadette