For me, dancing, singing and joking around with my kids are three things that lift my spirits.

Hi Irene,

Sorry to hear that you’re in such a difficult situation. Firstly, you most certainly are free to befriend whomever you want. Unfortunately, you don’t have control over how others react towards you and the person you want to get to know which, as you’re now experiencing, can cause problems.

Ultimately, no-ne can tell you ‘yes’ or ‘no’ – that decision has to be yours and I think you already know that. All i’ll say is you are both adults and you’ll need to make the choice as to whether you’re willing to deal with the consequences of continuing to see each other (presuming what your friend says is true).

You say you want to socialise with him without any pressure but it sounds like that is unlikely to be the case. If there is no chance of sitting down with them and getting to know them to ease their concerns, then, as difficult as it feels, make right now the time when you come to a final decision and stick to it rather than, as you say, obsessing over it non-stop because it’s not doing you any good.

Ask yourself:

Am I willing to continue to deal with this situation that I feel torn apart by and hope it will workout somehow or do I want to let it go, allow myself to feel sad about it and then move on with my life?

Are you willing to decide once and for all? Can you do that for yourself?

If you need time to make that final decision, then give yourself time but don’t drag it out for too long; 2/3 days perhaps.

If there’s any chance whatsoever that someone’s life could be at risk then of course, that’s when I would say, just leave well alone.

Hi Alma,

Upon reading your post, the first thing that came to me was the idea of the 6 basic human needs. Tony Robbins talks about them here http://training.tonyrobbins.com/the-6-human-needs-why-we-do-what-we-do

Have a read and see if it any of it makes any sense to you.

Hi Mariposita,

I get where you’re coming from. I can feel exactly the same way sometimes. One thing that helps is to remind yourself that often, when a person is unkind towards you for no reason, it isn’t really about you although it most certainly feels that way because they’re directing the anger and negativity towards you.

A lot of the time, those people, whether they care to admit it or not, have issues going on in their life that they don’t know how to deal with. They become frustrated and/or angry with themselves and the only way they know to deal with that frustration or anger is to take it out on someone else. Their focus is then taken away from the fact that they feel bad and don’t know how to deal with their own stuff.

It may not be the case for everyone but it will be for some. When you see it from that perspective, it becomes a little bit easier to have a bit more compassion for them because they’re struggling to cope.

Hi Aiman,

The question is, do you really want to take responsibility for your actions and the way you feel? As much as you may not enjoy behaving in that way, if the answer is ‘no’ then of course, you’ll continue to do it.

But ‘responsibility’ is the key word here – the willingness to take it on and the committment to do what needs to be done in order to take more control of your life. It’s not always easy but if you don’t like the way something is, no-one else but you can make changes. Having said that, if it’s outside your control, then acceptance for what is in this moment is what is needed.

In terms of not wanting your friend to do well, you may be making it about her, but it isn’t really about her; it all comes back to you and the way you want to feel i.e. not feeling full of regret. You seem to be wanting her to fail so that you can feel better. Again, it all comes down to choosing to take responsibility for how you feel rather than relying on what happen’s to your friend to do it for you.

If your friend doesn’t fail will you then choose to hold onto that feeling of regret forever?

Hiya Bernie,

From what i’ve read, it sounds as though there’s some work you need to be doing on yourself first and foremost – not to say there is anything ‘wrong’ with you and you are not broken or need to be ‘fixed’, I don’t believe that for one second. There’s just stuff going on in your world that needs to be dealt with.

There could be many reasons why women do this. One thing it comes down to is getting to know yourself. What are your values in each area of your life, for example. And then being willing to take the necessary steps to start honouring what is discovered. A lot of looking within is required and being honest with oneself instead of trying to pretend or cover up.

It could be that they have an unconscious belief running that tells them they’re not worthy and don’t deserve love – based on an experience from the past – so as much as they want better for themselves, they still hold on to what’s not working for them.

There’s also the loss of self belief and self confidence that increases over time which clearly is not going to help.

A woman has to choose to be strong for herself, with whatever support she can find, so that she can release herself from the past, start doing what she needs to do to take care of herself and move forward in a much more happy and empowered way.

Denise