Hi Connie,

I think when he said “he only wanted the best for you” that was his way of gently breaking things off with you. I think the silint treatment, is his way of saying “things are over” and he wants you both to be happy and move on.

I know it’s very painful and hard, but you mentioned in your post a long distance relationship and many struggles, and I feel that was his way of telling you, that he felt things could or would not work out. Let me know your thoughts? Keep us posted.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Eliana.

Hi Rox,

I too, have had the same problems. I overreact, and drive away men. This comes from a very tramautic, turbulent childhood, where I was abandoned over and over and severely neglected and abused by an Alcoholic mother. My father, although he loved me, had to always travel for business.

This has caused me tremendous insecurities in my relationships. All have been chaotic, became quickly intense, became “in love” way too soon. It was all drama on my part, I was bored if there was no fighting or chaos that I was used to in my childhood. I would get bored and fall “out of love” within 3 months and go on to the next man.

I am now working on my mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, a personality disorder, major depressive disorder, panic disorder and an intense fear of abandonment and rejection.

You said “he gave up too easily” sometimes, I have said this too when men left me when they tired of my intensity. Can you expand on that?

Hi Aballa,

It looks like you received some great responses and advice, so I won’t make this long. I just wanted to add that I too went through a nightmare with a very emotionally abusive man, I think I stayed and put up with him so long, was because I was trying to “fix” him, when in reality I was trying to fix my Alcoholic Mother who severely neglected, abandoned, abused me. He, also was very controlling once telling me during our fights “I have everything, you have nothing” by this time, I believed all the lies he told me, I got sucked in the longer I stayed with him, I thought I was doing it for “love” but mostly I was under his cast..I guess you call it, under his spell of extreme narcissism.

It took me four years to get over the trauma he put me through, but in a way, I always went back to him..”if I just try harder, give him what he wants, be a better girlfriend, drop out of college” “he will really change and show me affection and love”. Nope. He even yelled at me in front of everyone at the airport on the way to Alaska to meet his parents. Worst Christmas of my life. His mom was just like him! Imagine that. Had to put up with twin personalities and awful tension for ttwo weeks, as we got snowbound.

I had to cut him off completely. I stayed at a friend’s house. He was financially secure, but did have to borrow money once, but I didn’t want it, never wanted to see him again. Because I would just go back under his control, like a vicious cycle. Never ending.

I joined a 12 step program called “Emotions Anonymous and Co-dependents Anonymous. They have face to face meetings, or phone group meeting and you can call in from outside the country. It was a Godsend to me. I was a co-dependent. If you “Google” it, or go to their website, they will find you a sponsor, although you don’t have to have one. It is a free program. The people are happy, healthy, warm, welcoming and loving. Most have completed all 12 steps, but there are many only on their first step. Many become lifelong friends. Keep us posted.

Hi Sophie,

I read your first post post (and subsequent posts) but one thing stuck out to me in your first post, and I just want to make sure I am understanding correctly, because you were talking about your therapist saying sex is a powerful motivator.

I realized in my early years, when I was in my “infatuation” stage or “crush”. I felt an intense need to be held by the man. I felt this powerful chemistry like no other. And before I knew it, before I even got to know him, we made love. That’s when I got from being what I thought was a strong independent woman to someone who instantly was wild and crazy in love, because after sleeping with men, like many women you form a very close bond attachment. Men, on the other hand don’t think this way, they can sleep with a woman and not develop any kind of emotional bond with her. They just decide if they want to be “in a relationship with the woman” so, in learning that about myself, if a man wants to rush into things, I tell him the truth..”I’m sorry, but I Will form an intense emotional bond with you, if I sleep with you, lets get to know each other, and see how things develop” if they are true gentleman, they will understand and wait, if they just want a hop in the sack, I will never hear back from them again. So this might be what is happening, so wait to have any kind of intimacy until you get to know someone. Keep us posted.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Eliana.

Hi PearceHawk,

While I can’t offer you the perfect answer, I think it all boils down to values, how we were raised, what we we saw in the world around us growing up, etc. I think you have great values, but sadly, not everyone does. I have been in many relationships, I was raised by a stable mid-western family, they had a beautiful marriage (60 years). Although my relationships were short lived due to emotional and mental illness, poor coping skills, I can say I have never cheated, but I have been cheated on.

It seems to unfortunately be on “autopilot” in American society. Always in the news. 20 year marriages fall apart because someone is unfaithful. It is sad when children are involved as it is traumatic for them having to be shuffled around. I think I heard on the news once that this country has the highest rate of divorce due to cheating, but I may be wrong. Maybe people do it for “excitement” and a “high” of not getting “found out” other people do it for “revenge” so their partner will get “jealous” and give them the attention they crave. Others do it because they are lonely in their marriage. Others do it in other countries because they are forced to be in “arranged marriages, and they just want to follow their heart. Other people see celebrities do it, and think it’s “the cool thing” to do. Others don’t want to get a divorce because of children, so they take on an affair or a mistress. There could be many reasons, but I agree, it’s not right.

Hi Vivi,

I think this man really likes you, but what might have happened was to many people in the mix, creating drama, chaos and confusion. And this can cause a break-down of any relationship if clear boundaries and needs are not firmly put in place.

I am not saying he can’t have friends. I think it is healthy in a relationship for a man and a woman to have friends, but not when there is constant interaction. What you might want to do, is just go out with him. Your friends and that woman can do their own thing, they don’t have to be the third wheel and be with you and your boyfriend all the time. If you are with them, make sure it is “double dating” so you don’t have any tension with that other woman. They should not be going out with you and your boyfriend all the time anyway, especially the woman, it is very intrusive and I feel rude of them.

I would set clear boundaries with that woman, and tell her that you value her, but you feel at this point, you just want to enjoy time alone with your boyfriend right now. Try to set clear boundaries with him using “I feel” statements” and state your feelings and that you would like to be alone with him for awile on dates. By this time, maybe your friends will meet other friends to hang out with. Keep us posted.

Hi Chau,

I think I have a different perspective. After reading your posts, you seem to be very conflicted over your ex, even dreaming about her, you also mentioned you have cut some ties off with some women that you came to care about. I think it is because you need to have some closure with your ex. I understand she cheating on you, but I think you are thinking of her because of possibly some good qualities and memories you had with her.

What could hurt just meeting her out for a quick cup of coffee? You may notice her, for who who she is today, and seeing her now, you will see that the old feelings of her have gone away. Once we have been away from an ex for awhile, it is very hard to re-capture the old flame, and chemistry. This way you will have closure, and can move on with these new women without severing ties with them, because you won’t be thinking about your ex as much. Just meet her for coffee, wish her well, tell her you have moved on and wish her happiness. Keep us posted.