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Eliana

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  • November 25, 2018 at 1:12 pm #248535
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Ed,

    Looks like you received some great advice. Everyone is different in going through grief and loss. I was with a man I was very much in love with for only a year, yet it took me three years to completely get over him. The memories, “should have’s”, “what if’s”  created even more anxiety. Just be gentle to yourself and don’t listen to people who say “move on” or “get over it”..you will..in time. This too, shall pass.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 12 months ago by Eliana.
    November 25, 2018 at 1:04 pm #248529
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi VLC90,

    You mentioned several things about your ex..you said you felt he was “unkind to people” which to me would be a game changer..you also mentioned no timeline, so even if you did get back with him, the old feelings of frustration would come back. You also mentioned sex was very selfish, which I don’t quite know what is meant by that, and that you felt something was missing. He now is lonely and having 2nd thoughts, but how has he changed? What steps has he taken to change and get better..has he had counseling sessions? Just some things to ponder..x

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 12 months ago by Eliana.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 12 months ago by Eliana.
    November 25, 2018 at 12:53 pm #248527
    Eliana
    Participant

    Yes..thanks! I feel much better now, not only for your kindness and amazing insight, but you were right..it turned out to be a simple misunderstanding, due to a biopsy I was having. Things just got confusing. Texting only can be difficult. Sometimes, I wish they would just call. I’m old school and not a very good texter. It’s great to hear from you, and enjoy your weekend. x

    November 25, 2018 at 10:51 am #248495
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Victor,

    I think he may just need a friend. Sometimes people will make up “white lies” in order to make themselves appear more interesting. I myself have probably done it..as many people, but we can’t judge them as “being selfish” just know his quirks without judge ment or analyzing. Or you may tell him your feelings, that you really enjoy a friendship with him, but your values are those of truth..and if he is a true friend..he will know you will not put up with his lying. Maybe he is not even aware he is lying or trying to hurt you. If this is something you know you can’t accept..maybe just have him as an acquaintance. They always say..we only really need one or two real friends in life..for example if I mistakenly get put in jail..who will bail me out at 3am? If you can name one person who would do this..then this is truly a blessing and gift. True friends are very hard to find. Try to enjoy him..but don’t take it or him so seriously where you could cut someone entirely out of our lives. If we cut someone imperfect off with one or two human imperfections, we will have a lonely life. Hope this helps..

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 12 months ago by Eliana.
    November 25, 2018 at 10:33 am #248487
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Victor,

    I think what may be happening is we all have flaws, sometimes, we talk about things, that people may not find interesting..but we sure wouldn’t want them analyzing us to “end a relationship with them” like the man who talks about sex and girlfriends. You don’t have to end things with him..if he is a nice person, he may not know you are not comfortable with the topic. As many men I know..it seems that most of them talk to each other about. Maybe you could just be honest with him..but in a nice way. Tell him, you enjoy his friendship..but relationships and sex is out of your comfort zone, and if he wouldn’t mind..you both could change the subject. Or maybe politely just change the subject your self and he will get the hint after a couple of times. Sometimes we lose our relations with others, because we are so busy “being irritated” or “analyzing” when..just like them..They might find things about ourselves irritating. We are not made perfect. Not “ordering” beings, but human beings with our own limitations, flaws, insecurities..that is what makes us likeable by others. You certainly would not want someone analyzing every thing you say or do and ending their friendship with you, just over one or two conversations.

     

    And the woman, again the analyzing and then it becomes irritation, and ultimately the end of a friendship or relationship. Try this..next time..tell yourself “I’m just going to enjoy my conversation with this person and interacting with them, and will not judge or analyze. Hope this helps..

    May 16, 2018 at 9:59 am #207739
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    Thank you for your kindness on the invitation for dinner. If I were closer, yes, I would accept. I want you to do something. I know you are having anxiety about not being with Debbie, which is very understandable. However, try to picture yourself with her now. I think you would be just as anxious. She is not the same person you are dreaming..thinking, hurting about. Not at all. I bet in 10 minutes after being with her, you would want to leave. Just think of different scenarios..would she be that same person you long for? Most likely not. People change, their personalities, moods, etc. They are no longer the people we used to know.

    Once, I wanted an ex back so bad. I could not stop thinking of him..but it was the idea of him, I was missing, The idea of us buying homes we looked at together, what we would name our children, where we would go on our honeymoon, etc. Finally, a friend arranged it where her husband knew him..and we just “hapoened” to meet out. We saw each other. I asked if I could talk to him..but you know what? Something was missing. The giddyness, butterflies, spark, emotional connection..anything. I wondered what I saw in him in the first place. So what I am saying is Debbie is not the same. You may not have that “spark” or anything..anything in common anymore. Would like to hear your thoughts..

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Eliana.
    May 3, 2018 at 3:24 am #205355
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Juna,

    I do feel his “ignoring” you is a red flag and should not be tolerated as that is a sign of disrespect toward you. I think healthy boundaries need to be put in place. He is ignoring you, while talking to other women online? Did I get that right? That would be a deal breaker for me. I would not tolerate rude or disrespectful treatment from a man. I would talk to him about his treatment..but you can’t fix him or make him change.

    It does not sound like you may be compatible perhaps, as you both have different styles of communication, and very much a lack of communication, with no boundaries in place and no healthy relationship can come from this. Do you think the both of you can look into therapy with boundaries, ways of coping, communication strategies, with a qualified therapist? Reads to me, that he is busy having fun being on the internet talking to women and not ready to settle down at this time. x

    May 3, 2018 at 3:13 am #205351
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Tom,

    Are you just looking for advice from one particular person? I’m a bit confused. I wanted to respond to this thread, but did not want to intrude, as you seem to be addressing just one person in particular. I hope things are going better for you, and wish the the best in things.

    May 3, 2018 at 2:56 am #205345
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    They say there is a “fine line” between love and hate. I don’t know, just wanted to touch on some things. Do you think you are thinking of Debbie, because it brings you Some type of excitement? Stimulation? Sonetimes, when our life becomes stagnant, and we don’t have enough things to occupy our time, or we are unhappy with our lives, our mind tends to wander about the past, good or bad memories about someone. You can try, and try, but unless you find something else to distract you, Debbie might be your main focus for a while, whether it may be explained as “needing closure” “hatred” “dreams” anything, our minds our constantly wanting some kind of stimulation, and so you are feeding it with all sorts of thoughts of Debbie.

    You have to find ways to occupy your time, such as finding purpose in your life, a passion, a fulfilling job, hobbies, New friends, etc. It will give your mind something new to grab on to, and soon you will not be thinking of Debbie as much. Can you think of anything such as something you have always wanted to do..maybe going back to school..learning something new..finding a purpose is usually a panacea for our troubles, and that in itself will help you move forward. I don’t think you really “hate” Debbie, but life has become stagnant, and then our minds are on autopilot looking for some type of stimulation..anything..the trick is to distract yourself..with finding purpose for your life..

    May 1, 2018 at 2:12 pm #205175
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    She has treated you badly for so long, over and over, it’s time just to let her go now. She is not at the level where she can be “reasoned” with or “have closure with” and will only bring you further pain. You have already had closure. Her hurting you over and over and now her blocking you. She does not want to talk to you. Please..you have to let her go..or you will make yourself bitter, and it will consume you to no end. Thinking and dwelling about how awful she treated you will not do you any good. Talking to her is pointless. She doesn’t want to. Why waste time with someone who does not want to talk to you. Just try to learn from it, and grieve, and in time you will find a loving and stable woman you deserve. Take good care.

     

     

    April 29, 2018 at 9:46 am #204755
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Haley,

    Yes, I understand very well. What your mother did in a way of her Alcoholic behavior was made you feel insignificant, like you were not special, or did not matter..or have a place of belonging. This brings along in our adult relationships when we are left crippling anxiety..because again..we feel the same pain as children. When your ex “texted” you, it made you feel you did not matter, not special enough to be broken up with in person..so you are trying to get the answers from your ex, that you actually wanted from your mother.

    Why didn’t you come and pick me up from my friends?” Why did you give me inconsistent messages (like your ex seeming so caring at first, than suddenly becoming so cold) much like our authority figures. Then you were just “left alone” in front of a TV..much like I was, but I was locked in a bathroom…or when I would reach out to my Mom..she would at first reach out..change her mind, and say “go away, and run along now”. So, when I perceive the slightest hint of perceived rejection from a boyfriend, I will give him the silent treatment, or passive aggressive, or do anything for him not to “leave me”. Even if the relationship is a toxic one. It’s all anxiety related stemming from childhood, and I continue to stay in Psychotherapy from the severe trauma endured. I have my times of very healthy relationships when I stay in therapy, but when I am not in therapy, I go back to my poor coping skills and defense mechanisms I had as a child that No longer work for me. I have also had to read several self-help books on this issue, that has really shed some light on my behaviors with loved ones. I continue to heal and stay in therapy and use my experiences to help others. Which is why I open up alot about my childhood, as I feel it can be of benefit to others. x

    April 29, 2018 at 8:39 am #204729
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Haley,

    I know very well anxiety. I had it and severe depression (even being in counseling and meds) for years over an ex. I think this is due to “abandonment” issues I had as a child. Perhaps separation anxiety. Did you experience any type of abandonment, rejection, or someone leaving you with no explanation as a child? I did. Over, and over..by several people I loved.

    Unfortunately this resurfaces in my adult life when someone ghosts me whether it is online, a short term or long term relationship, the ending of a friendship for no known reason..a sense of betrayal. Even for whatever reason a co-worker stops speaking to me. I want answers, the anxiety to go away asap. However, the answers sometimes never come. I dwell and dwell..the “what if’s” “if only I had done this or that better, he/she wouldn’t have left me”..it’s coming from a wounded child within..the child who never received love from a severely emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic mother..who would leave us alone for days, fire our nanny, and go on drinking binges. The wounded child of seeing her father leaving on his business trips 4 days a week, grabbing on to him..begging him not to leave (he did not know my mother would “get even” by firing the Nanny who loved us). The pain of the Nanny leaving us and the sadness in her eyes while my mother was screaming and throwing beer bottles. The pain of being separated from my six siblings..then again..the pain..rejection of being left at a boarding school at the age of 16, while I was lied to by the people I was raised with..saying we “were driving to Florida for vacation”. The pain of sitting on my suitcase in the middle of the sidewalk..no explanations..

    I don’t think you will unfortunately find the answers you want. If may have had nothing to do with you. Just know that you have your own closure by e-mailing him and asking why? And getting the closure back by knowing he took the cowards way out. Give yourself even more closure by knowing even if he would come back to you..would you want him back? A coward? A narcissist? What if he did this again? You certainly do not want a broken heart again. This can be your closure. Even if he gave you an explanation..would it be the truth? Would you even want an explanation from someone who goes as far as to block you? I know I would not want this for my life. At first, yes, I would want closure, but when someone blocks me, that is extremely cowardly, and that is where I draw the line, and right there is closure. I would stop caring why they broke up with me in the first place. If you are still feeling overwhelmed with anxious thoughts, just observe the thoughts, but don’t become them, they are only thoughts, fleeting, temporary..soon..these thoughts..Will be less and less as time goes by. One day you will go about your day and think “wow! I have not thought about him in two days now” and it only gets better. Be patient with yourself and the healing process. x

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Eliana.
    April 28, 2018 at 8:28 am #204641
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubun,

    I’m not getting a good feeling about all this, but know you are doing what you think is best. I worry about the children. I do hope you will post again, with any updates. I wish you happiness on your new journey.

    April 28, 2018 at 8:22 am #204639
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Ash,

    This is great news! So good to hear from you again. x

    April 26, 2018 at 4:17 am #204187
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    I’m happy to hear about the charities. That will help you focus on something and give you purpose as well as making a difference. This is very good news. However, I am confused by your post. Are you staying with your wife? Or going back to Debbie? Sorry for any confusion..are you saying you are working things out with your wife?

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