Hi Anita,

Thanks for your suggestions and your opinion on this subject.

It’s very difficult for me to come to any decision at all at the moment, I’m still thinking about the consequences of each of those choices, what it would mean and not just for myself but in a wider context.

Jay x

I meant to put re. choice 4 – threaten her with #3.  Sorry for the typo.

How would I know she had changed… I would get a report back from the OPG when they had completed their investigation.

At the moment I am favouring #2, but that won’t put a stop to anything, it will just cover my back, and won’t help my mother at all.

Every time you try “to keep the peace”, every time you communicate with her although it is not necessary, you are hurting yourself.

I agree. I’ve been doing just this for the most part of my life. And I know only I can stop it. It’s not easy.

There are now three people living off my mother’s funds, did I tell you? Her husband has moved in officially now. He is also living there and not contributing either in any way, in addition to my sister. 🙁

The solicitor said that what my sister is doing is illegal.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by JayJay.

Hi Anita,

The appointment with the solicitor was very helpful… expensive, but worth every penny. I have now appointed this lady solicitor and all of my questions were answered, and all of my worries have been noted.

I have four ways of dealing with this problem.

1. Step away regarding the POA responsibilities. Revoke my POAs with the Office of the Public Guardian. This would then cover my back. However, the lady said that doing this would mean that my mother would only have one POA, and that is never a good thing.

2. Step away, but don’t revoke the POAs. If anyone else raises concerns, then I have to prove that there is no involvement on my part. I have lodged all bank statements, and details of various encounters with the solicitor. It can be now be proved that I had previously raised concerns with my sister and that these concerns have been ignored.

3. Complain to the Office of the Public Guardian about her behaviour. This would then initiate an investigation into what she is actually up to and she would have to prove that she is acting in my mother’s best interests. There would be severe consequences if they found that she was taking advantage in any way or using coercion or other tactics to make my mother capitulate to her demands.

4. And this one is interesting! Tell my sister I am not happy with her management of my mother’s accounts and that I am going to do the above (at 4.) and see if it changes her behaviour. In other words, threaten her with starting an investigation and see if it will have any effect.

So, I have some thinking to do about the way I handle these issues!

Hi Anita,

To answer your question, I’m not sure about bonds I would be breaking if I went ‘no contact’ with my sister. I know I wouldn’t be welcome at the family home anymore, but I could live with that. The family home (which is not where I live) doesn’t hold many happy memories for me.

Both myself and my sister have children who are now grown up adults. I suppose I don’t really want to cause a rift that would make future encounters my children may have with my sister awkward and uncomfortable for them. Mostly they go round to see their Grandmother, our mother – on her birthday, at Christmas, and so on. Big occasions where family have to be together, like my father’s funeral last year.

I’m trying to save them from all the awkwardness of having to take sides. Perhaps I should talk to them about this, as it concerns them if I do go no contact.

I have a friend who has the same problem with her sister, and went no contact some years ago. Between ourselves, we call it the ‘divorced sister’s club’.

I also worry that by going no contact, that she will try to turn my own family against me. She will not blame herself for the rift between us. She would never apologise to me for her behaviour, as in her own eyes, she is never wrong.

So perhaps I am also worried that any blame will land on me, as it will. I will be blamed and become the guilty party, and she will make sure that everyone knows it is ‘all my fault’ (as it has always been!), and not her who has caused the rift. She cannot and will not accept responsibility for her own mistakes, she has a victim mentality.