Dear IpkR09,

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

I hope that by telling you of my situation you might find some answers to yours.

My sister is very similar to yours. She is jealous of me for the same reasons that your sister is. I am a high achiever and she has always found it extremely difficult to cope with that. I couldn’t understand why for a long time why she couldn’t just be happy for me, as I was when she achieved things in her life – but always the competition, the misunderstandings, the arguments, the denigration – and the eventual discards. She also deprived me of my friends wherever that was possible, especially in my teenage years, but in later life as well.

We spent a few years not really speaking. But like yourself, it was usually me who made the first move towards making it up, whether it was my fault or not.. it usually wasn’t my fault. But I did it anyway, for exactly the same reason that you do – ‘ because i feel someone has to(we are siblings after all) and i know she wouldn’t…’.

I was also brought up by my grandparents most of the time, and they taught me that I should always love my little sister (she is younger than me by just under three years) no matter what she did. That I should forgive her, no matter what she did. I think that bit got ingrained into my psyche at a very early age. My sister, meanwhile, learned from an early age, that whatever she did to me, it didn’t matter. She would always be forgiven, and not just by me, but by the family. I learned that it didn’t matter what my own needs were, as my sister’s needs were always much more important than mine. She shouted the loudest!

So fast forward to this year. We have had some pretty important decisions to make concerning our mother. My sister still makes the decisions. She will ask me what I think, but my answers are not important to her. If I agree with what she says, then everything is fine. If I don’t agree, then I get the arguments, the trantrums, the dismissal of my views and the discards.

I eventually came to the understanding, (with Anita’s help for some of this thinking – and thanking her again for this!) that nothing was ever going to change. Especially my sister. But more importantly, any change would have to come about by me changing, not my sister.

I eventually realised that I needed to give myself permission to break free from the constrictions that had been imposed/ingrained on me at an early age. We are both a lot older now. I’m now in my 60s. I have mentally broken free of my sister and no longer feel any need to be the first to make up after arguments. In fact, we no longer have arguments, because I won’t even discuss anything with her… there is simply no point. I have given myself permission to put myself first, and part of that is to not engage with her if at all possible. Before this came about, I spent a lot of time either feeling guilty or feeling angry and resentful towards her. Now I have given myself permission to put myself first, things are a lot better. If she ends up not speaking to me, I don’t react. I certainly don’t apologise or creep like I used to. No more the doormat!

You don’t need your sister’s permission to do anything. You can actually go out with whoever you like. You can live your life for yourself and – most importantly – your needs are as valid as your sisters.

Even though our different cultures might have a separate bearing on this, it seems some sisters are the same wherever in the world we live.

I hope sharing my story gives you a little insight into your own sister. And I repeat – you don’t need her permission to live your own life. You don’t need anybody’s permission if you are over the age of consent. It sounds like this man is genuine and caring, and has some insight into how to move forward towards a future together, whilst being respectful of your culture and a need to get things right. Although I agree with what you say:

Also, he feels this period will help us convince our parents and my sister in particular that we are mature enough to not think emotionally but logically. I am not very mature in this aspect and apart from making my parents unhappy, I feel I need not give anybody any explanation.

I also think you don’t need to give anybody an explanation. But that fact that he is willing to try and work around this, does indeed show maturity.

With best wishes,

Jay

Dear Sam,

I agree with Mark… I also don’t think kissing someone else at a party is ‘cheating’ either, not in a real sense.

What is coming across to me here is that you are feeling extremely guilty over this incident, the one which led to the loss of the relationship.

Now, in life, we all make mistakes. We are human and we fail sometimes. You are very young, and this was your first boyfriend?

The only way to navigate through life is to learn by our mistakes. So, you made a mistake and now you want to punish yourself for it, because you want to somehow feel the pain that you inflicted on your first boyfriend. Meanwhile, he has forgiven you and moved on.

So you are wanting this second boyfriend to be mean to you and think that if you somehow distance yourself, or wish that he would cheat on you, it would only be what you deserve.

Do you think that, if this new bf actually does what you are wanting him to do that it will make you feel better about yourself? I can tell you now, that it won’t make much difference at all. Feeling better about ourselves actually comes from within, not from outside. I can understand why you want to push him away and make yourself suffer in that way though.

All you really need to do is forgive yourself for that mistake you made (which wasn’t really the greatest crime, now was it?) You have learned a hard lesson in life and relationships, but you shouldn’t keep beating yourself up about it. Embrace this new relationship for what it is, and not because you want to, in some way, use this new boyfriend to punish yourself. Leave all the clutter of the past boyfriend behind you and let go of all that blame you’ve built up inside yourself and which is hindering your present life.

You can’t change the past. You can’t change the future either. All we ever have is the moment we are living in right now. Let it go, stop thinking so hard, stop trying to punish yourself (and the new boyfriend – by getting him to react to a situation he has no knowledge of) and just enjoy this time with your new boyfriend.

With best wishes,

Jay

Dear Guatam,

She is trying to tell you, the best way she can, trying to let you down gently, that she is not thinking of you as anything other than a friend. That she has no sexual desire for you. That she would like you to stay close but at the same time, feel free to date others and get on with your life.

I agree with all that Inky, Anita and Mark have said in earlier threads.

The only part of that email that rings for me is the bit at the end:

I’d want you to stay. Always. 
Not as a lover, not as anything else, but as a “special someone”.

…So she wants you to stay in her life, but she doesn’t need you to be anything other than a ‘special’ friend. That’s a bit selfish of her, don’t you think? Ok to leave you hanging around just in case.. but not wanting you to get any closer.

I’m not surprised that you are confused, especially as you had thought that this relationship was special enough to propose marriage.

She has told you the gentlest way she can that she is not interested, and (I think) is trying to let you down gently. So it is not to be. So ok, be a special friend when she needs one… but stop the attachment and get on with your own life? There are always going to be tears and sadness when there is an ending, but you shouldn’t let it become a guilt trap for yourself.

With best wishes,

Jay

You are welcome from me too, Marthams. Thank you also for your good wishes! 🙂

Dear Marge,

I’ve read through all of this thread, and I would like to thank you for your update and I’m glad to know that now you are in a better place. I find your story very uplifting!

It must have taken a great deal of courage for you to work your way through all of that and come out the other side smiling. I’m very happy for you and I know others will gain courage to change their lives, even if they think at the time that there is no way out. You have just proved that, given time and courage, and a lot of work, that things can indeed get better!

Best wishes for a continuing happy future

Jay

Hi Marthams,

I agree with Anita. It’s never easy cutting someone completely out of your life, and you might suffer some guilt for doing so, but if you can, do it. You only get one life, you know.

It’s very complicated for me to do that at the moment, but at some point in the not-to-distant future, I will be doing exactly the same thing.

Best wishes,

Jay

I agree with what Anita says above.

I have two such people in my life, my sister and my mother. It doesn’t matter how much I do for either of them, nothing is ever rated – they are never thankful, never pleased.

I’m telling you now, you can carry on trying to please them for most of your life, and it won’t get any better. I’ve been trying for over 50 years. Nothing has changed… except me.

I no longer allow them to make me feel guilty. I no longer allow them to give me the silent treatment. I have withdrawn myself from their petty arguments and their blame shifting behaviour.

It took a long time for me to realise that, whatever I did it would make no difference whatsoever. So I maintain contact, but at a distance. That distance is within myself. I might see them physically three times a week, and I am polite and maintain light conversation, but that’s about as far as it goes now. Whatever cutting remarks they might make, I take no notice. They can say what they like about me, I simply don’t care any more. If it gets really bad, I just walk away. It works for me. I’m an adult, and I can choose to stay or go, it’s up to me, not them.

I needed to look after me, not be continually pandering to their wants and needs. If they were only friends and not family, they would not be in my world.

All you need to do is give yourself permission to not be treated like that anymore.

I hope by sharing my take on this it might give you some direction. Have a good life, and congratulations on getting your own home!

With best wishes

Jay