So it’s been a month, and there’s been days happening… Some better, some worse, but generally, with me less panicky and being able to share more easily, it’s been better.  There are paths forward from who and where we are to a more comfortable financial and home situation, and I feel like we’re slowly growing back closer to each other and trust is starting to come back.

Except, not long ago this morning, I participated in what was obviously a contrived meeting with a manager, near the main entrance of the building I work at, and was asked to turn in my badge, company phone, and company laptop, and they won’t need me to return, they’ll box up my personal effects and ensure they’re delivered.

This is not a very good Valentine’s Day present for her.

I have a vague idea what pretense they will mention for a reason to dismiss me, but that’s almost beside the point.  I knew I was tired of the job and have already started applying elsewhere. (That probably made it back to my management, hence an idea what the pretense would be.)  I would have liked a smooth give my two weeks sort of transition, but cookies crumble, right?

I really don’t look forward to telling her this afternoon.  But I’m trying to take this as more of a “now I’ll have full time to customize resumes, cover letters, and put my name out there… get interviewed and hired and be done with phase of life”.

I anticipate her being angry, frustrated, probably going to push all the “just can’t be the man and hold it together and BE what you need to be” buttons, and I’m probably going to quietly tell her that I’ve successfully job hunted before and besides I have great leads on the jobs I’m applying for, and more positives as fast as I can think of them and it’ll help a little and she’ll still be angry because she’s afraid and tired of having to patch over my financial issues.

Difference this time is I know the pattern, and I’m not the dissociated putz I used to be.  I’m going to get back into software work and do very well and this is just a rougher patch on the way to better things.

And I believe I have vented about as much as I need to right this second and thanks for being such an awesome group (esp you anita, I see you all over this place 🙂 and I’ll have more stories of ups and downs I’m sure.

Going to go home early, do extra housework and be prepared for the whirlwind of conversation…

So it’s been a bit, and of course, more water under the bridge.

In the last few days/weeks, I’ve had a series of moments… either in therapy, in argument with her, or now just on my own out of the blue.  My emotional state is rapidly leaving behind the pain of the last few years and the self absorption… leaving room for far more positive feelings than I remember ever having before.

Today, out of the blue, I caught myself in the middle of thinking “You’ve been married 16 years, and this is what you’ve brought to the table….” and a voice in my head said ‘repeat that but only the first part’, so I thought to myself “You’ve been married 16 years” and I realized ‘wow, that has really been a long time’, and had an amazing feeling of omg, what have I been doing???

The voice caught me again, and said “again, but only the first part…” and I thought to myself, “I’ve been _married_…” and had a second stronger feeling of – realizing that long ago I never expected to ever be in a real relationship and instead, here’s this woman who has stuck with me through all of my problems.

No matter who we’ve been, she deserves to have, AND I deserve to BE, so much more than what I’ve been and done up till now……

I feel like I can finally see the sun, or feel what love is really like, or something, I almost had to pull the car over I started crying so hard.

OMG.  I have so much to apologize for, and make amends for, and change up completely and be a REAL me finally.

Anita,

Forget even vacations… I would spend bill money on dinner, groceries, evenings out or small presents (like we’d go to a craft fair and I’d buy her something she oo’ed over even though I knew the money should have gone to bills) and would be behind enough on bills over weeks or months that it would finally get out of my control and she’s had to use credit cards and loans to make up sometimes thousands in overdue payments… which I would never admit to or even mention until caught… and even then would claim I had a plan to catch things up even if it was obvious I couldn’t.  Like a part of my head was stuck having to say that I had everything covered, it was all going to be fine, even while we discussed how completely out of control I had gotten things.  I’ve been in full body sobbing tears swearing I would fix it even when I knew it wasn’t possible.

Better than that now, but there’s still the core panic attack when “something serious” comes up, like Sunday.

Her anger is mostly centered around how much time she’s lost going around this damage circle with me, the money we’ve had to waste fixing my blowouts, the lack of intimacy, respect, conversation, etc that has come about because of all this.

Anita,

I’ve been  responsible for multiple situations where I spent bill money on more immediate “this will keep her happy, yes, hon we can do that” spending, even to the point of being in danger of foreclosure twice.

Sunday she brought up a small thing I hadn’t done (a battery to replace) and the sharp tightness in my chest of a panic reaction made me realize I have a deep seated fear that all the EMDR hasn’t touched yet.

I’ve realized ( put the most of it together very recently) that I’m the toxic side of our codependent spiral. Been reading like crazy to find advice on how to get out of my being the toxic one… but almost all of the advice around is how to break things off from us toxic people and not be the codependent anymore.  Found some things, but I’ve got a lot to ask my therapist about tomorrow morning.

H