I don’t know how to integrate it, Anita. I mean…I can’t just keep screaming all day right xD That would be awful. Neither can I wallow in self-pity and become a product of my circumstances.

Thanks again for your time 🙂

@Inky

Hello Inky! I am happy that you are still around here. We are talking about my mom so I doubt she will ever give up lol. In her eyes, I will never be enough or good but that’s ok I still love her.  I just have a problem with my anger.

@Aaron Sorah

I agree. The only moment which exists and will always exist is now. The past and future, happen at the same time which is relative.

Our relationship with our parents is funny really xD. We don’t get to choose them. These are the people who instill their beliefs  in us while we are way too young to understand how the world works. To us they are like these know-it-all superhuman beings who are doing the best they can. We see the world through their vision, tainted or pure doesn’t matter.

As we grow up, we realize that they are only humans like we are. This creates conflict. The most important part is that you can’t ever be enemies with them, despite how bad they treated you. By ignoring them you will create a conflict much larger than you can handle, something which shakes your core and makes you question your very existence.

So the right way of dealing with this, in my opinion, is to forgive them. Move on. Life is so much more than this 🙂

• This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Hey Its Jess.

Hey Leocube!

Can’t tell you how many times people have told me the exact same words. And often they were the ones who made the mistakes and instead of taking responsibility for it, they would tell me to move on and that people go through worse than this so its ok. One thing I have learned from this is that you should never justify smaller mistakes by comparing them with bigger sins. Its not ok. Most of the people like to reminisce about their childhood but I am so glad that its over.

Thing is we can either deal with the problem or get over it. Maybe, after brooding over it for years we do “move on”. We cease to suffer but by then these experiences have already changed us. Right now, I am at peace with my past and it doesn’t bother me much. Guess now we can say that its “logical” to move on lol. I have heard about this therapy called “inner child work”. Basically, what you do is, zone out and envision your kid self in a traumatic/sad memory. You go up to the kid, say words of wisdom and give it a hug. Tbh, all this is absurd in my opinion. Firstly, there is no way I can relate to those feelings of sadness anymore. I pretend to have the conversion with this kid but deep down I know that its not real.

Yes, I have tried meditation before but its always been on and off. I haven’t been able to make it a habit…yet :). I’ll try to explain my very odd way of doing it, hopefully you’ll get it xD. I think of a ladder which leads to a dimly lit tunnel engraved with random pictures. After some walking, during which I relax my body as much as I can, I find myself standing in a great hall. There are many different versions of me there. Are you familiar with the concept of fragmentation? Its kinda like that. Each trait or feeling is exaggerated a thousand times and is represented by a person. And I just try to converse with them but it always ends up in an argument…so its always chaotic.

What I have gathered from these “sessions” is that some of the voices aren’t even mine. I can pin point them to the people in real life whom I got them from. They told me this negative stuff so many times that I started telling myself the same thing. Anyhow, I’ll try your method of rearranging memories next time. It may give me some insight.

Hi Anita!

Glad you shared this. I understand that this topic may be difficult for others to talk about. Its really weird and beautiful in a sense that children develop this ‘zoning out’ response. However, these experiences do make up who we are today…but not necessarily are supposed to define us.

I wonder is it best to forget the pain?  I read somewhere that each time we recall old memories we modify them in some way so they don’t remain authentic as time passes. Why this happens I have no idea. It would have been a lot better if we remembered. It could have answered tons of questions, many face as adults.

My apologies for the late replies guys

@Jason  I have started to enjoy work now. In the past, I used to spend a lot of time on video games  but that doesn’t make sense to me anymore. I think I have officially transitioned into what they call “adulting” lol

@Terri   I don’t ignore my thoughts anymore. Even turning on loud music whenever I am sad, feels cheating now. If I loved one came up to me with this problem, I would tell them to live in the moment.