Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
HelenParticipantMiranam,
Yes, you are absolutely right. I have noticed similar effects, for instance when I am very hungry I tend to feel “low” and my thoughts get clouded. In those moments I bring my awareness to the cause, hunger or whatever else it may be, and allow myself to feel that feeling for a time, knowing it will pass. I don’t fight those because I know there is no use, they just are and they will be replaced by something else eventually. This was one of the hardest things to do because it seemed so inexplicable but once I learned to just sit with it, like you did, it helped quite a bit. And of course, I would eat!
Thank you for your encouragement 🙂
HelenHelenParticipantMatt,
Thank you, dear brother, for your kindness and observations. You confirmed many things my heart already knew (setting boundaries, growing up, …) and added more value contemplations in such eloquent and visual ways that I can relate to. I especially love the new mantra of “I am light and warmth.” This is indisputable, and when in my daily journey I encounter “doubts” I just have to come back to that.
Another thing that came through meditation is the law of Karma. Because I followed my heart’s path instead of listening to my “gods” I am blessed with such wonder in my life that I can experience joy. Simply, I just have to keep following, and trusting, my heart above ALL else. Though, I do often meditate on being ok if I suddenly lost everything and everyone dear to me, because I know the impermanence of all things. This gives such a deep appreciation and intention to make every moment a precious one. Light and warmth, no matter what.
I do enjoy guided metta very much. I will use Sharon Salzburg in my next meditation, thank you for suggesting it 🙂
With light and warmth,
HelenHelenParticipantAs I have been contemplating some more, a few more things of interest popped out.
1. I seldom cry any more, but when I confronted the idea that I don’t feel ok as I am, I choked up, emotions welling up. I still smiled and felt a sense of peaceful acceptance but it hurt nonetheless.
2. The phrase “when good people say hurtful things” keeps coming up in my contemplation. Here are some concrete examples of what I keep hearing my whole life from my parents: “You are so smart and able, it is such a shame you are not putting your talents to good use. You could have been a doctor and made us proud, instead you are wasting your life away. – Look how much your daughter loves you and you don’t even care about her. You need to feed her better and ‘whatever else they think I should be doing.’ – You need to be better to your man, if you don’t cook for him, he will not love you and will leave you. – We do everything for you and tell you these things for your own good, you are so smart and beautiful, how can you not listen to us when you know we love you so much and want what is best for you. You don’t even love us.”
I hear these kinds of things over and over and over, like parrotting mantras. At times, my husband and I laugh at these things because they are so proposterous. I visualize my parents as two small children and I feel a deep sadness for them for holding such “poison” in their hearts. On a few ocassions I tried telling my mother how I felt when they said such things but it was received as “you don’t love us” so I stopped trying to express this directly. Instead, I started working on becoming an objective observer. When I feel anger, as I sometimes do, I pull away and refuse contact for a short while. Of course, that just delays everything for a short time.
3. I pull away from contact with other people (I rarely approach people first). When people come to me, I genuinely want the contact and to be there for them in any way I can. I think I appear “perfect” and that may be a turnoff to many (even though I am never aloof, always smile, and have been told many times that I am very open and approachable, and I am far, far from perfect). I don’t usually talk about what pains me but always listen to others and offer wisdom, which they love and are appreciative for. I share my “talents” openly and without asking for anything in return (ok list now: I gift jewelry I make, I cut my friends’ hair, share ways to do things, etc…). I really don’t like to whine and complain and focus on the negatives, which in a way sets me apart from most people I know.
I am trying to put a little more concreetness to that “longing.” Perhaps to accept myself as I am, to stop feeling so “isolated” and “different,” and to stop feeling like I have to prove something to the outside world. Boy, it feels like climbing a mountain!
Another interesting visual came in meditation – Odo from Star Trek. He was searching for others of his kind; he lived in the form of a solid even though he was liquid. I can relate to this.
HelenParticipantMatt,
Your insight is right on, as usual. I am aware of that tangle and it is born from, like you said: “you may feel that there is something wrong with you, such as some inherent or situational flaw that prevents you from being OK here and now.” This hurts, but when I let it sit on my heart, it rings with truth and peace.
A little bit of history and elaboration: from early on, in my family, the focus was always on accomplishments and lavish praise was given for those. If any of us did not do what was “expected” or “approved” by our parents, deep disappointment was expressed. It still continues to this day, even though I am close to 40 and my brother to 30. When I talk about my accomplishments, I feel shame, and at the same time I feel a necessity to justify, or be justified, that I am worthy, that I am ok in some way or other just the way I am. I am fully aware of how ridiculous this is, yet it still is.
Yes, I do feel that there is something inherently “wrong” or even different with me. Logically, I know this is not the case, we are all the same, we all have something wrong or right about us. As a result of this feeling, I am engaging in hermit-like behavior while at the same time longing for connection. The longing does not arise uniquely when it is quiet and still, but is almost ever-present. I long for “authentic humility” as you eloquently put it but it feels like it is slipping from me. Sometimes the pain is so strong that it feels like daggers piercing my heart. Then I breathe, and sit with it, I understand it, and want to avoid it. Mentally objectifying helps but the feeling shift is not here yet.
What you said about considering the “selflessness” of my experience makes sense. One thing that I am contemplating is gratefulness for this experience so that I know not to repeat it with my own child. But at the same time there is a “fear” that I may go to the opposite extreme and not give enough attention to my daughter. Then I feel lost, inadequate, and long for wisdom to make good choices. It is funny, on the one hand I keep hearing how I am an inadequate mother (because I do not fit the mold of what is “expected” or “approved” by my parents) and on the other hand I keep receiving deep love from my child and expression that I am “the best mother ever.” And there goes again, that listing of accomplishments 😉
Matt, how do you start/work on unraveling this crazy cycle and letting authentic humility in your heart? I often tell others to have patience, treat themselves with love, and accept that they are not perfect, but I have the hardest time doing this with myself. (I like the last thing you said about contemplating the selflessness of your experience. Could you elaborate a little bit as pertaining to what I said here.)
Thank you, thank you for your honesty and wisdom.
Helen
HelenParticipantM,
You bring up a very valid point. This unroots a long ago memory of my youth, when I experienced much, much suffering. I spent hours in quiet introversion and “hiding” so to say from any outside events. This is a small thing but I had a vision and experienced a knowing that in my future I will be living in a place with palm trees. At that time, my family lived in Paris, with absolutely no palm trees. In a few years time, we relocated to the US where palm trees grow abundant.
Aloofness … how I am familiar with that feeling! I understand what it took for you to reach out and my heart is grateful for you doing this and sharing your insight.
Helen
HelenParticipantJon,
I can understand your feeling very well and can relate to those experiences and thoughts. What helps me is knowing, like you siad, that I cannot change others, but I can change myself, my perceptions, and my reactions to what is happening around me. Yes, optimally you would disassociate from “negative” people, but like you siad, if you care about them, you do not want to completely cut off the relationships.
It me, it is like this – I trained myself to become an impartial observer whenever I encounter negativity. It starts with awareness of what is happening, how it makes me feel, and what I am thinking when I am exposed to it. Little by little, I started modifying my thoughts … accepting that I cannot change the people around me, accepting and knowing that not everything lasts forever (they are not always negative), and changing my behavior around them. For instance, when they are positive, I offer more smiles, more interaction, more warmth. When they are negative, I withdraw from the situation. I have also expressed my feelings, however, this can only be received if the other person is receptive, so more of the work is done within myself.
Another helpful thing, like Eliza suggested, is to make opportunities for yourself where you are surrounded by pleasant experiences. Walks in nature, meditation, any activities that make you feel good about the world and yourself. It is an imposibility that everything will always be perfect and pleasant but you can learn to maximize pleasant experiences and in a way objectify the unpleasant by becoming an observer rather than a participant.
Also remember that nothing happens overnight. The change in you will be gradual but do not despair, just keep practicing. Such as a baby learns to walk, it does not happen overnight, it takes time, so do any changes we wish to make in our lives.
Another thing to consider is that this negativity around you can be seen as a sort of “gift” rather than a hinderance. By introspecting and modifying your reactions/thoughts, you will become a more resillient person. I have found that nothing in life is permanent, so eventually, the outside circumstances will change, whether you choose to remove yourself from those situations or they eventually morph into something else.
Wishing you peace and much positivity,
HelenHelenParticipantMark,
Thank you for your kind words. Believe me, I stumble quite a lot at times, just like all of us do.
You have much wisdom yourself and I enjoy reading your responses to others as well, very intuitive, encouraging, and heartfelt.
For my dilemma, I will keep searching, or even not. Maybe when I am ready to know what this illusive longing is, my heart will tell me. Or maybe it is just a part of my existence – to contunue to have a “challenge” so I never become complacent.
With gratefulness,
HelenHelenParticipantKayla,
In romantic relationships it is not unusual, even when comfortable, to experience a level of fear that the relationship can be compromised. Your communication “block” could be a result of that even if you are not aware of it. As well, if this was the pattern in your family, it is likely that you developed a habit of this way of communicating, or not communicating. The good news is that any habbit can be changed.
The first step, which you already took, it ro recognize what is happening. The second step is to want to make a change, which you expressed you do. And the third step is to start making small changes. Next time he asks you what is bothering you, take a deep breath, and respond differently. If you know what is bothering you, just let him know. If you don’t know what is bothering you, just let him know that you are not sure but promise to share with him when you know. I believe this will deepen your relationship with both him and yourself to you. With each time you respond differently, your new pattern will establish, the more you do it, the more comfortable you will become with the new way of communicating. And eventually it will become a new habbit, a new way of being, second nature.
Also, do not be discouraged if it does not happen right away or if it is difficult at first. Take comfort in knowing that we all start not knowing certain things and become better with practice. From what I read in your post, I have confidence in you and your ability to make a change you want to make.
Helen
HelenParticipantAnnette,
I want to answer this question you posed: “Can you met someone at the age of 20 and that person be perfect for you at that time but not be the right person 25 years down the line?” Absolutely. We all grow and change with time and experiences and none of us is the same now as we were in the past or as we will be in the future. There are no guarantees in life, whether we are considering your husband or your friend. It seems to me your happiness is largely based on connection to a partner. Life has taught me that this is an impossible dream. The ony way we can be truly happy is if we are happy within ourselves. Other people come and go, change, but the only thing that remains constant is our own company.
To expand on what others said to your post, I agree that a “self-discovery journey” is in order for you. When you learn to be at peace, and happy, with yourself, you will be able to have happiness with another. Will it be your husband, your friend, or even another person entirely, is yet to be seen. I would suggest not concentrating on that at all at this time, but on whether you can find that happiness within yourself. Everything else will follow when your heart is truly ready, which now it is not. Look within yourself, and see if this resonates true with you.
It may be scary right now to think/feel this way, but it is necessary for complete healing. This destination you are holding on to is an illusion at this time, there are no guarantees, and it is holding you back. Let go, focus on the journey, and the future will be bright, no matter what it develops into.
With love,
HelenHelenParticipantAnnette, you are grieving now over the loss of something that gave you undescribeable joy and your mind is clouded. In this state, it is best to do nothing and allow time to heal you first. For 10 years, you held this secret in your heart. During this time have you ever wanted to reveal it? If you did not, why would you do this now? For 10 years, you lived this life. Was your conscience naging at you during this time? If not, why would it now?
I cannot either condemn nor condone an affair (or in this case a second relationship) but I can understand that humans possess an infinite spectrum of emotions that are expressed in various ways. You expressed yours in your way. To express it for such a long time is a choice you made, not merely a whim. It IS your life. You do not have to forgive yourself for your life and your experiences. Ask yourself this though: can you stay in your current marriage? For 10 years you had something else that gave you joy, what will give you joy now?
Another thing that resonates with me is this: society has established certain “norms” for behaviors that we are all supposed to follow regardeless of our natural inclinations. This cookie cutter approach is damaging to psyches of those who are not cookie cut. Some people are gay, and society is just now starting to accept them, some people are polyamorous, and society still frowns upon that. Have you considered that you may just be polyamorous? Perhaps a road to healing would be to accept yourself as you truly are, regardeless of society’s accepted “norms.” Look deep within yourself, listen to your heart, and see if you can feel why you choose this life. Within that answer will be the answer of what to do next.
Your husband. This is another matter entirely. This is a man who was “with” you for 24 years but does he really know the true you? It’s not a matter of what you reveal to him now, or how much it will hurt him, it is more of a matter if you can stay with someone who does not know the true you. Ask yourself, what do you want in your heart, what do you want your life to be. When you feel this, and it resonates with peace and relief with you, then take appropriate action, whatever that action may be for you.
What saddens me is that you have to hide your sorrow from those that love you. What saddens me is that you cannot be yourself because you had to hide for so long. What saddens me is that you are still hiding. What saddens me most is that you are not alone in your predicament, there are so many others is this world that are in very similar situations to yours, so many that cannot accept themselves as they are and have to resort of hiding in the shadows instead of shining their light. You cannot change the past, only step into the present and future embracing you as you are.
HelenParticipantJenn, we all start as children and I believe we all go through some sort of turbulence before we stabilize. You are not alone in your fears, your are not alone in feeling you are broken. Whenever we start something new, whether it’s something as simple as riding a bike, or as complicated as building a space station, it is normal to feel a certain degree of fear. But you will also feel excitement. When you feel the vibration of the right path/answer for you, you will feel a sense of peace and profound relief. That’s how you will recognize the correct path for yourself. No one can give you the answer, just pose the question to get you started. And when you start to feel doubts again, which will inevitably happen, just remember that sense of profound relief and keep going forward.
Begin by saying “I don’t want to hurt myself any longer” and take small steps towards the path that feels right for you. Once you start, it will pour out like an avalance and you will build more confidence and comfort in knowing what to do next.
HelenParticipantI believe you need to start with forgiving yourself and accepting that you are human. Not one person in this word is perfect, and not one person in this world is unworthy of love and forgiveness.
You are a different person now than you were when you were 18. You experienced life, emotions, new ways of thinking. It is impossible to go back, and even undesirable. Every experience you have, every choice you make, are a condiut to growth, and valuable in their own way. You may not believe this now but sometimes being broken to the core can lead to amazing things. Still your mind, and listen to your heart. All the answers are there, wiating for you to see them.
Your feelings regarding your friend are understandable. After what you went through, it is normal to have doubts and wonder whether it will happen again. Again, still your mind, and listen to your heart. What does it tell you to do?
Reading your life story, another thing stood out for me. You were never truly on your own, without a man, to learn who you are on your own. When we are in a relationship, we inevitably change slightly to accomodate to the other person. If we never experienced a period of non-relationship, so to say, how can we know who we truly are? Because of your self-doubts, self-disgust, do you think it may be a good thing to distance from a relatiosnhip so you can claim some time to truly heal form all the emotional turmoil?
December 30, 2013 at 8:03 am in reply to: Will you always find love when confident and happy? #47948HelenParticipantHere is something else you may enjoy: http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating.html
December 30, 2013 at 5:41 am in reply to: Will you always find love when confident and happy? #47940HelenParticipantHave you heard of Matthew Hussey? You can find him on YouTube and googling will lead to his website, blog, and other info. He has some really good insights for relationships and finding the one. Even for people in relationships, his insights can be applied to and are helpful for other areas of life.
It looks like you are in a good place to really start looking for the one. If you just wait, you chances of finding love are slim. There are never any guarantees, for anything in life, but you have better chances of sucess if you take action 🙂 Matthew has good suggestions on what kind of action and it will make more sense when you listen to his videos. It is nothing agressive or overly involving and you will be pleasantly surprised at how easy it becomes when you apply his teachings.
HelenParticipantHave you asked yourself why do you still love him? What did/do you love about him?
Sometimes looking deeply at that can give you a look at yourself and help identify what is holding you back from truly letting go. -
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 