Hi Freddie

I believe you when you say she was a good person and love and miss her. But you did have valid concerns when it came to debt and her child. When you want to marry someone it makes sense to talk these things through deeply it is important to know these things about a life partner. It’s concerning that you had been together for 7 years and she was unwilling to speak about such things for all that time.

I once broke up with someone I loved and was ready to marry because they were unwilling to have difficult conversations. It’s not a way to live.

It’s sad to hear that when you were in the on again off again phase once again she refused to address your concerns and instead it became about how you hurt her by leaving.

I think that if she had just talked to you and been willing to share you would have stayed and this would never have happened.

I doubt she could replace the connection that you both had so easily. What she has now is something different and new. It doesn’t compare.

Hi Freddie

I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a difficult time processing the break up and your ex dating someone else.

I’ve been in a similar situation myself and honestly I just got tired of being pushed away all the time. The on again off again is a very unhealthy relationship dynamic. At some point you do take no for an answer. She had likely been at that point for a while before she ever met someone new.

Do you honestly want to be with this person permanently? You had 7 years to figure it out and it sounds like largely what was in your mind while you were dating was that you weren’t interested in commitment. Which is fine if you aren’t a commitment kind of person. But a lot of people are and when one person wants commitment and the other doesn’t, the relationship doesn’t work out.

Hi Benedikt

Thank you for the additional context. I’m sorry to hear that you’re in pain, I hope things get easier with your trapped nerve.

I totally get where you’re coming from with chores and pain issues.

It’s something that is really hard to adjust to and it’s important to be patient with yourself while you try to find your own way of balancing things.

Some interesting things I’ve learned about pain is that it’s linked to sleep, stress, exercise and diet.

What helped me was learning to prioritise tasks. And how to make some tasks easier for myself. Ultimately, I learned that it’s okay for some chores to wait. The most important things can be handled first.

It’s good that you’ve identified that you have a strong desire for connection with people. It’s really important to incorporate your favourite things from your pre-pain lifestyle but perhaps in a modified sustainable way.

Do you think there’s a reason why you make more of an effort to do chores around other people?

I like chatGPTs advice about a lack of clarity about why you want to do chores. I had to learn to really focus on motivation to do chores with pain issues. Sometimes this was celebrating small wins by taking before and after photos. Sometimes it acknowledging that I was cleaning because I have allergies and it helped me to breathe.

Hmm how to stay connected? Do you feel like you aren’t spending as much time with people because of your health issues? Do you find it harder to leave the house? Are people less willing to visit you? What are the challenges there?

Hi Ben

8 years doesn’t seem like a big age difference.

Can you provide a little more context? What was she wanting you to do without being told?

Ah yes, that’s a familiar phrase. It reminds me of a conversation I had with my flatmate. He wanted me to remind him when he should do all of his chores. As he’s an adult, he has a responsibility to manage his own chores. I shouldn’t have to tell him what to do.

Mentioning age seems to have been a trigger for you. Are there any other situations where she’s mentioned age? Have you communicated that you don’t like her to talk about your age?

How do you feel about getting older? It seems to be a sensitive subject for you.

Hi Wisp!

Well done on being decisive when it is something that is hard for you.

That’s exciting to be able to go on a Buddhist retreat with your friend. I’m sure it will be an excellent opportunity to learn about yourself.

It does sound like quite a shock to the system in terms of lifestyle changes though. Like you, I enjoy using my phone and watching tv. I even have some anxiety when I’m without a phone. I lost my wallet and my phone broke on the same day once. It wasn’t a fun day!

How long do you have to prepare before the trip? I don’t know how much you meditate? It could be a good idea to practice before the trip. I would suggest a mini phone detox too. I like to leave my phone at home when I go on walks. If you like reading you might be allowed to bring some books on the retreat? If you are well prepared the temporary lifestyle changes might not be such a shock to your system.

The retreat might surprise you. It sounds like a vacation. It can be relaxing to step away from all of the every day stressors we experience. I hope that you end up having a really good time, even though you’re feeling anxious about the trip now.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Caroline

I’m sorry to hear that your gf is being mean to you.

Your gf sounds very comfortable “expressing herself” to put it politely. I’m curious how she reacts when you express your concerns?

On one hand you can say she gets away with the behaviour because you allow it. Her behaviour is definitely not your fault though. Someone who is kind would never be mean “because someone allows it”. The responsibility falls on your gf to moderate her own behaviour.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Tim

That’s a very healthy realisation. Well done! You’ve got this.