Hi Stacy

I’m glad that you’re starting to feel better sickness wise.

I think it depends on how good people are with self-care. There is ultimately, nothing wrong with sharing even difficult emotions. It’s a very healthy thing to do. We are social creatures and all need support especially when we are struggling.

I think the difficulty is that not everyone is capable of providing emotional support to others.

We do have our limits but there is a massive variety in what people are capable of. Some people do it as a job. Some people like Anita choose invest time and effort in supporting others every day. I always admired that she took the time to respond to everyone.

Whilst I would like to respond to everyone. On good days I do my best to. Sometimes I need to focus on practicing self-care. If I am busy, or going through a lot emotionally. I may choose to only communicate a few people and even then there may be days where I need to focus on taking care of my own emotions and take a short break.

I think you have a lot of people in your life who fall on the opposite end of the spectrum. This has created a lot of shame for you in sharing your emotional needs.

Even in your relationship where you felt supported. You were shamed for your emotional needs. He often blamed you for your understandable feelings about concerning behaviours that he was unwilling to change.

Asking a healthy person for reassurance doesn’t turn them against you. I’ve repeatedly asked my husband whilst being pregnant if he’s still attracted to me. He just holds me and and reassures me.

It is honestly disgusting that your partner told you that he was no longer attracted to you and continued to sleep with you. It’s abusive. If you were more confident in your boundaries you would have ended the relationship then and there when he said that to you. I think it’s a good thing that the relationship is over. You don’t need someone in your life who actively shames and humiliates you like that. Good luck to the next person he dates. They are going to need it! I expect that he will have persistent difficulties in relationships for a while.

It’s tempting to reflect on the good parts of the relationship and pretend that it was perfect. But it wasn’t. The signs of avoidant behaviour were present. It’s been discussed at length already. Realistically, he never even tried to match the level of effort you put into the relationship. He never even bothered to call you. That simple action was too much like effort for him and actively refused. What could you do if your boundaries were stronger in this case? Refuse to call him unless he takes his turn to contact you. Realistically, what hope is there in a relationship for someone too lazy and uncaring to bother even calling? This stands out to me because it’s so ridiculous. So small a request and so easy to fix with so little effort. He just didn’t want to.

I think that it’s a good thing that you were persistent in confronting him about issues that you were concerned about. It made things very clear that you were not going to accept the behaviour.

Because of the abuse and difficulties in life you cannot imagine better. But it exists and you deserve it. You deserve to be treat with the same kindness that you show other people.

Because of the previous abuse, you doubted your own boundaries and put up with too much bad behaviour.

Everyone has problems, but the sign of a good partner is someone who is willing to work on issues when you discuss them. Someone who is willing to compromise.

I think you understand what happened in the relationship. But you also experienced gaslighting. Gaslighting can be very confusing and make you doubt your own perspective. It’s natural to want to empathize with a partner’s perspective but it’s harmful and damaging when they deny your own boundaries.

You frequently experienced partial validation, refusal to change and blame. It’s a very confusing mix. It’s basically someone who is pretending to be healthy, but they’re not really.

He hasn’t quite learned from therapy and been able to fully apply those lessons.

Someone who is healthy and confronted with a problem will validate fully, seek a healthy compromise that meets both of your needs and ultimately change their behaviour to what is agreed upon.

Quite different from what you experienced.

Someone who has never had a long term relationship is extremely unlikely to have healed from their past.

You’re a very trusting person, but I think that you can learn from this relationship and learn to protect yourself by paying attention to what people say and how they act. It’s not your fault that you weren’t able to protect yourself from his behaviour. You have a history of abuse and this relationship was a step towards a healthy one in comparison.

It makes me feel angry for you that you were treat in these ways. And I know that you don’t feel it yet, but good riddance!

I’d like to give him a piece of my mind for you. He needs to grow up and stop dismissing women. Stop pretending he’s perfect because he’s not. Everyone has problems, but you know what actually makes things better instead of ignoring problems. Actively working on fixing them! He’s tried nothing and he’s all out of ideas describes his efforts in a relationship.

It’s great that he supported you in your life, when it was about difficulties outside of him. But the second conversation turned to difficulties in the relationship he ceased to be supportive.

Love and best wishes! ❤️ 🙏

I’m sorry for the amount of suffering that you and your siblings experienced as a result of your father. I did wonder if he was violent at all because of the extent of your trauma. Even witnessing violence from a parent is traumatic.

It’s really difficult because up until recently. Knowledge about trauma and it’s effects has been really limited. It’s only in our lifetime that hitting children has started to be banned. For generations, trauma has been handed down unrecognised and untreated.

I’m sorry to hear that your father would invalidate your trauma, actively deny it and blame you for it. That is extremely painful to experience. Unfortunately, that is very common when it comes to abusive parents. I experienced the same thing with mine too. I wonder, did your father suffer from depression at all?

In some cases, parents who have been abusive flip between denial and periods of lucidity where they experience depression and self-hatred as a result of the way that they’ve treat their children. They don’t usually articulate this as a reason for their depression to their children. I believe it’s a self-protective mechanism for them to live in denial.

I’m glad to hear that your relationship with your father has since improved. Sometimes I find that can create a disconnect or confusion about how was see them. At other times, having trauma invalidated by our abusers can create a sense of confusion and denial about our experiences in ourselves. Do you think you experienced any of this at all?

It’s extremely important that your partner works on not invalidating your trauma.

It is difficult for him to deal with your triggers because of his experiences with his parents. He is very sensitive to perceived criticism at this time. It’s honestly hard to say what kinds of things he experienced during his father’s periods of over sharing and it’s definitely concerning that he experienced that. I think that you’re a very empathetic person and now that it’s clear there is a trigger for him you will do your best to be sensitive to his needs while trying to manage your own.

I think there might also be an additional element too. You’re a very empathetic person, with great communication skills. During a trigger this breaks down a bit. I know that this is one reason why I go quiet sometimes too. I don’t want to say anything harmful to my partner. And sometimes the negative thoughts during a trigger are very strong. There are times when this “leaks” and can be harmful to your partner. I think it can be jarring for partners to experience the contrast between such attentive careful communication and a breakdown. I’m sure that you never intend to hurt your partner. It is just that difficult to communicate effectively when triggered sometimes. It gets easier with a lot of practice. I’m sure that you do your best and it is always something to keep working on.

I’m glad that your partner feels comfortable sharing with you when he feels hurt and that you are receptive to this, do your best to manage the situation and validate his feelings.

He needs to improve on doing the same for you. It sounds like sometimes he isn’t as receptive to your concerns when you raise them. But clearly, in some cases as with the apologies. There is improvement and he tries.

In the long run, I think his willingness to address these issues will ultimately determine if you both stay together. You are very willing to support him and his needs.

Have you ever had a discussion about him invalidating your trauma and how that makes you feel?

I hope that you have a good weekend! Love and best wishes! ❤️ 🙏

Oh yes, I saw it. It just takes a bit more thought and concentration to reply to those kinds of things. I don’t want to be unfocused and not give the thoughts you shared the attention they deserve.

😊

Hi Seaturtle

Thank you for sharing your understanding of the situation. I’m glad that you found the behaviour being described as bullying, linking to your own experiences of bullying in school as helpful.

I can understand how the behaviour could make you feel judged and unseen. I’m sorry that you experienced it. It is very kind of you to offer your understanding and empathy about the situation. It speaks volumes of your level of emotional maturity. It is kind of nerve-racking as a new poster. I think that often people want to feel safe before they choose to share more deeply. So I can totally understand why you started off by sharing some of your less sensitive thoughts. I’m glad that you stood up for yourself and gave things a second try. Not everyone does in these situations. It’s been a pleasure getting to know you more as a person and I’m glad that you’re now getting the support that you were hoping for.

Love and best wishes! ❤️ 🙏

Hi Seaturtle

After a sleep, I feel better now.

Thank you for your kindness and understanding regarding my trauma. It was a while ago and trauma therapy helped me a lot. I just wanted to illustrate how each others triggers can interact with each other in relationships.

Thank you for sharing your partner’s background. That makes a lot of sense why he’s experiencing triggers sometimes when you discuss your triggers.

I think that couples therapy is tricky. I’ve had a positive experience with it. But I’ve heard of so many people who haven’t. I think if you do decide to go in the future, you would have to have a very clear idea of what you want to happen. A lot of people go and end up either breaking up or feeling unsatisfied with the therapy. One thing that I didn’t like is that our therapist tried to bring up past arguments. We were very focused on wanting to improve our communication.

The first session was very much just assessment as a couple as well as during private interviews. Our individual issues were discussed as well as our perspectives on difficulties with the relationship. There’s not a lot actually going on in the first session. It is more just identifying risk factors. Obviously, domestic violence is a concern for some relationships.

I’m glad that your partner has done some things that help soothe your triggers. It can definitely be helpful to communicate what does help with him.

You’re a very open communicative person and your desire for personal development is admirable. You have a lot of courage to face the situation head on and discuss behaviours within the relationship.

Regarding the lateness. I wouldn’t be happy either if my partner didn’t let me know. Depending on how late he is, would determine how annoyed I’d be. It’s good that you know what doesn’t work for you and what does.

The difficulty is how receptive your partner is to trying out different communication styles. To find something that helps you both.

Do you think a simple apology might work for you? For example, “Sorry for being late, I know it’s a trigger for you. I don’t ever want to make you feel unseen.”. Just brainstorming, I’m sure that you would be able to figure out something that would be able to best help you.

The difficulty with apologising is that some men hate it. My husband did and felt like an apology meant that he had to mean that he’d done something wrong. Instead of simply being a way to validate emotions. Women are prepped by society to apologise in a variety of different scenarios and understand that it’s largely about validation and manners. I had to talk to him and explain that it’s not that he was doing something wrong. It’s just showing that he cared and empathised with how I felt.

It’s a very tricky situation that you are both in. I hope like you do that moving out will take some of that pressure off. It’s extra tricky because you’ve been experiencing daily triggers and you both haven’t had a peaceful week together for a while. It definitely sounds like you’re both feeling the pressure of the situation.

I think that you did a good job of reflecting on the difficulties in the relationship and how you feel about them.

To a lot of people, taking a break just means breaking up. So I can understand why he feels scared by this idea. Perhaps you could take a break without actively using that term. What would taking a break look like to you?

I want to gently validate your feelings about your trauma and the difficulties in the relationship. It’s not your fault that you have trauma issues and it’s not certainly easy for you.

What I don’t like is when your partner invalidates your trauma. You are not a weak person, you are strong and that is easy to see because you have the strength to face your issues and discuss these difficult situations. These are things that your partner seems to have difficulty with.

I think that having my trauma invalidated, which is a big part of my life would make me feel unseen too. What do you think?

Love and best wishes! 🙏

Hi Seaturtle

My thoughts are with you. I’m having a difficult day so I won’t be able to reply today.

I just want to say regarding the comment you received on your first thread. That user is very kind. In this instance, that didn’t come across very well. Everyone has bad days communicating and I don’t believe that her intent was to bully you. She could have been more gentle and patient with you. It’s true.

But if you understand who she is her perspective makes sense. Many people share the belief that if a person is good we shouldn’t be fussy in our choice of partner and I don’t think that is an inherently bad message. A lot of people end up alone without a good partner and wish very much that they had one.

I think that the initial issue that was presented is different from what the actual issue seems to be. If that makes sense? You and your partner have very real communication issues.

I thought that it was really interesting to learn that deeper issues were happening than what was initially presented. It was actually a bit surprising to learn that so much trauma was hidden behind that first message.

I’m not trying to invalidate how you feel. You’re entitled to your own feelings about the issue.

Just a reminder that this is a public forum and I don’t think it’s helpful for this individual to be misrepresented as a bully. I’ve never seen her say a bad word to anyone before.

Hi Emma

You posted on the 13th and I’m now reading your post on the 15th. Apologies for the delay. The forum has been unusually busy and your post was pushed to the 2nd page. I don’t think that many people have seen it yet.

I’m sorry to hear about your break up. Can I ask how long it has been since the break up?

You were together for 5 years, that is a long time. People often say that it takes half of the time of the relationship to get over it. So if you entered a new relationship before waiting 2 and a half years since your last one it makes perfect sense that you’re having difficulty getting over the loss of that relationship.

In this case, having these feelings are normal.

I think you understand that there’s no way for your previous relationship to continue, so you’re trying to move on. But what you logically understand, your heart can take some time to process.

Please feel free to share your thoughts and feelings.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏