Hi Blueman

I’m sorry to hear that you broke up with your girlfriend after 1.5 months. You mentioned anxiety and negative thinking being problems in the relationship and described yourself as boring and inauthentic. You regret it and are feeling guilty and ashamed now.

You do sound like you are being hard on yourself. Anxiety lies to us, and by it’s nature is a form of self abuse. When another person abuses us it’s easier to set boundaries. But what to do when it is yourself?

The answer lies in self-compassion. Practice being kind to yourself. What would you say to a good friend in the same position?

Take some time to practice self-care. Relax. Stop beating yourself up. Relationships end. Sometimes things are just not meant to be.

Unless there is something awful that you are leaving out and need to get off your chest?

What helps move past guilt and regret is to learn from my mistakes. Reflect and learn how to not repeat the same mistakes. Apologise sincerely if anyone was hurt. And after reflecting understand your circumstances and context. Why did you behave in that way? Show yourself compassion for your mistakes. To err is human.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Hi Seaturtle

I think posts get reviewed when they are long?

I feel like you are a very kind, thoughtful and wise person Seaturtle. It’s wonderful to hear your insights.

It’s great to hear that you practice meditation! The headspace app is great. I enjoyed their Netflix stuff too.

There is a Buddhist meditation I read about that you may find interesting to try. You may have come across something similar before. It’s good for when you notice that your false self arises, say when you are feeling triggered or ruminating. When these things happen, you can notice feelings of stress arising in your body. For me, my breathing might change, heart rate might increase, parts of the body might tense up. The idea is to notice these feelings in your body one by one and sit with the feeling, give it an opportunity to relax and open up.

I feel like any meditation that helps you to feel love and calm is a good way to see things as they are.

Buddhism has a lot of information about seeing things as they are. The idea is that everyone has their own unique perspective. Different people are hurt by different things for example. Then there is the circumstance as it is without emotion. Like if a tree fell in a forest with no one around. The truth is all of these things make a whole. So practicing seeing the whole is a good idea.

I would say that the easiest way to tell if you are falling into patterns of your false self would be to reflect on your emotional state. Are you feeling calm? If so, probably not. If you are feeling stressed, then it’s possible. Do your thoughts remind you of anyone you know? Have you heard something similar before? Remember the absorbing patterns from other people and experiences.

A lot of things that my mothers said to me when I was a child pop up when I’m feeling stressed. But my mind presents it to me initially as if I’m saying it. When I remember that they used to say something similar it helps me to realize that it isn’t me, but a memory.

I think that stress bringing out these false patterns can make us act against our nature.

For example, I value kindness and understanding. But when I’m feeling triggered my thoughts become distrusting, feeling like people are intentionally hurting me and become defensive. You see my pattern of the false self?

I’m not sure if you’ve tried this with your negative friend, but I find this to be helpful when interacting with negative people. I start by asking how they are letting them express their feelings and talking about themselves for a few minutes. Then after that I don’t respond to their negativity and change the subject every time they talk about things like that.

I love rereading these books that always have new insights to be found.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏❤️

Hi Gresshoppe

I think that your worries are correct. Ultimatums are a form of emotional abuse. He’s trying to pressure you to do something that you’re not ready for. It would make me question how much he had really changed if he was behaving like this and unwilling to go slowly. That would  be a basic level of care for your feelings. How much do you love someone if there is no care for their feelings? Seems like he only has care for what he wants. You don’t exist to fulfill his desires, you have your own. Please consider what you really want.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Hi Seaturtle!

I just wanted to deeply apologize for disappearing before. I know that it’s something that hurts you and I’m so sorry I did that. It was not my intent to hurt you. I had an emergency with my baby. I managed to mention the emergency to another user because I was in the middle of writing to her when it happened, I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to message you too. I’m sorry to say that it was very stressful for the rest of the pregnancy and his early life. I wasn’t in a place mentally where I was able to be positive and supportive. Things are getting easier now thankfully.

I’m trying to catch up with what I missed in your previous thread to make things up to you. You expressed a desire not to be reminded of certain things in your other thread, so I won’t discuss them in this thread. I’m happy to hear that your surgery was successful, you don’t have cancer and the doctor was able to preserve your ovary. That is excellent news! I’m happy for you. ❤️

If you would like, I could share some things that I’ve been learning from Buddhism and related Eastern philosophies?

Wishing you all the best! 🙏❤️

Hi G

It sounds like you’re being really hard on yourself at the moment. Don’t beat yourself up about this. You’re just getting back into the swing of things and a little rusty.

Don’t know if you’re into sports at all? Or what your game is? It’s like if you missed the basket, scoring hoops. It’s not a big deal. Are you gonna get in your head and continue throwing off your game or relax, take a deep breath and focus so you can make the next one. It’s awesome to play basketball again.

Taking up a hobby that involves other people could be helpful with socialising. Or are you thinking of looking for a new job that is in person?

Wishing you all the best! 🙏❤️