@Inky – Very good point in terms of answering unidentified texts/calls and making things more bothersome. Typically, I deal with a lot of clients due to my line of work (sales) and often times receive phone calls and texts from numbers not saved in my phone due to referrals, etc. I’ve tried to limit this however, and primarily use my office phone. I think i’ve been conditioned from work to pretty much answer anything, in hopes that it’s some sort of new business haha. I do appreciate the reminder from you (and this incident) however to be careful!

@Jasmine – Thank you, for the wake up call! I do have a tendency to blow things out of proportion, and making things bigger than “ben hur” as you say. I am doing it to myself, completely to myself. Even the close friends of mine I shared the story with said had the same thing happened to them, they certainly wouldn’t have been upset about it. I’m fabricating negative ideas, and judging myself. I do, need to snap out of it! Thank you, very much

@Big Blue – What you said about feeling as though everyone is “staring” at you, describes the feeling exactly. Like they can see all of the mistakes, faults, etc. written on my forehead. And just as you said it’s a burden thinking that way, that just weighs you down. Thank you for sharing your own story, to help show “i’m not the only one” and i’m glad spaghetti at this point for you is so enjoyable! I also watched Brene Brown’s videos on shame and vulnerability, and took a lot out of it! What really resonated with me was how she spoke about most of the time when we’re experiencing shame and judgement, when we look up, it’s really just us pointing at ourselves

@John – I think you’ve covered one of, if not my biggest issue completely. What you describe as feeling like being “forever tarnished” in MY MIND is EXACTLY the feeling. I have a tendency to set extremely high standards YET also have an incredible tendency to live small! Knowing what i’m talented at, what I can do comfortably, and more or less control. Little to no surprises, I always know the outcome, and can “handle” it. The tendency itself has indeed gotten to the point where it’s almost as if it’s my identity, aligned with the image of myself in my own head. Very thankful for your take on things, and will delve more into the concept!

@Matt – Lol, Matt, thank you. For not only adequately describing the physical “jumble” that goes on in the head, to the point where it almost feels like a pressure cooker. But the mental images as well. You’re completely right! The mysterious text message comes in, and you think to yourself “ah, it must be that girl I gave my number to a few weeks ago, I knew she’d come around” or “it’s probably my ex-girlfriend or one of her friends, trying to do this to see if i’m seeing other people” but then you find out the truth, the one you “didn’t expect” and you’re just completely dumbfounded! haha. Just as you said, you go over the nature of the conversation in your head, and say to yourself, “wait, what did I just do, what was I just a part of, is this a joke?, a set up?, were they serious?” But really, when you sit down, from the outside, and take a deep breath…(sigh) I can certainly see the humor in it haha, and thank you for the friendly reminder to point that out. I also agree with my response to the whole situation as telling me something, dormant perhaps. It is primairly a social fear, and I should be thankful that i’m being made aware of it and any latent homophobia I may not be aware of. I tend to have trouble detaching from other people’s opinions, but realize it should be none of my concern. We’re all in this together, thank you friend, for the advice, and the good laugh.

Thank you all again
for the wisdom, love, and kindness

Light
Bruce

@Kelly – Thank you for your insight. I think much of my “inner turmoil” is more related to a lack of self-love and acceptance I have for myself. Being that the outcome was not “predicted” or considered, it wasn’t in the cards for any of the images I attached to in my head, and if anything, I think I subconsciously use the experience to back up the “you’re not good enough” self-talk i’m guilty of. I did indeed ask where they had received my number from, but they indicated it was a “friend” of theirs and did not want to share. Being that they had given me contradictory information before, and I was in “fight or flight” mode at the time. I chose not to engage further. I suspect that they could have indeed received it from someone, somewhere, or even that it could have been some “joke”. I agree with the valuable lesson, and appreciate blunt, but refreshing, tough love!

@Ruminant – Perspective is huge. Particularly when we can’t get out of our own heads! I know I try to create scenarios in my head, and as you say “hope for the best” with “wishful thinking”. Even times I think we find ourselves saying to our ourself, that we’re too smart for something to happen to us, and in which case end up fooling ourselves haha. What I really responded to was your friend who embraced the “shame” and confronted it head on. Essentially leaving nothing to fear, we’re all humans, we all want to be loved, and we all make mistakes. It’s just at times, perfectionists like you or I, who try to torment ourselves over it haha, but i’m sincerely glad you can relate on some level!

@Natasha – I think you’re really hitting the nail on the head, with the ego. My negative self-talk can get to an exhausting point with the lies, and I know highly contributes to the “holier than thou” complex. If I should perhaps err in the slightest, it rears it’s ugly head and says “see you’re not good enough”. I know I’ve struggled with external validation as well, so your “what others think is none of my business” quote is a very good one. And when you do sit down, look around, at everyone and everything. You do realize we’re all more or less in this together. Peace and love will accomplish a lot more than fear and hate. Thank you very much for your insight, and i’m glad I was able to contribute to you on your journey as well 🙂

AikiBen

Thank you for reaching out!

A lot of what you’re saying makes a great deal of sense. Our personal boundaries needed a good amount of work, and it definitely contributed to the situation. What really stood out to me was how you described the subtlety between kindness, and more or less putting your foot down. It’s something i’ve been able to demonstrate at times, but certainly not on a consistent basis, nor to the amount i’d like to display. I will also look more into both the infatuation concept, as well as David DeAngelo to gain further insight. Oddly enough, I was able to “cut off” and walk away fairly easily from a similar relationship years ago, this time I think was so difficult due to the blurred roles and nature of the relationship as a whole. Still, it is somewhat comforting that internally, I seem to be able to detect this and make strides to rectify it, as I have done in past relationships.

I appreciate the wisdom AikiBen

Bruce