Oh hun, I know exactly how you feel. I really think you should look into borderline personality disorder. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml It sounds very very possible that you suffer from it, though of course I am not a medical practitioner and any assessment/diagnosis should come from your doctor. Just a suggestion though.

This post leapt out at me because I have BPD and have for over 20 years (I’m 29). I only got a diagnosis (or any formal mental healthcare) within the last year. It has been terrifying and hard, but also an incredible RELIEF to know what the problem is. It gives me hope that I can treat it now that I recognize it. I you felt exactly like you and I used the exact same language for myself (pretty much all BPDs do actually): I’m a monster, I’m evil, I’m a bad person, etc. etc. Please know that you are NOT a bad person. You have adapted to some very difficult circumstances and parts of you now turn very angry (even cruel) in an effort to protect you when you feel vulnerable or afraid of being abandoned. I could go on forever about the sad irony of BPD and the pain it causes in close relationships but this is not the place. Basically for me, in a nutshell, BPD boiled down to the phrase: You always hurt the one you love.

Being able to relate to others with this disorder may give you the sense of relief, hope and belonging that it gave me. There are lots of borderline personality disorder support groups and online forums but I know I couldn’t possibly have improved without psychiatric care. Medicine, therapy, and online support have all formed important parts of my BPD journey. If you want to check out my blog on borderline personality disorder (there are tons), it is: http://halfofasoul.wordpress.com

Take care and know that things are going to be okay xxxxx