Roberta,
Thank you for your thoughtful message. I have made pros and cons lists, and interestingly, they seem to change depending on the day. My heart and my head don’t always agree with each other.

When I’m home on 5 acres of beautiful land, there is a deep sense of peace and connection that I don’t find anywhere else. I feel homesick when away from my childhood home. But when I’m there, I sometimes feel homesick for the urban life. It’s as if part of me belongs in both places. As cliche as it sounds, “home is where the heart is.”

I do visit regularly, especially because of estate matters over the last few years, so I’ve had plenty of opportunities to experience what life there might feel like.

I like what you said about taking my time. I am a thinker by nature. I’m wired this way. It’s good and bad. Because at the end of the day, it’s a decision.

Good luck with choosing your son’s nursery. That’s a big decision too, and it sounds like you’re approaching it with a lot of care. I’d love to hear how it turns out for you!

I wrote this last night and didn’t hit submit

Thank you for this. You’ve touched on something I’ve been struggling to put into words.
I do think the property carries memories. Memories not just of my parents, but of an entire version of life that no longer exists. The house represents love, family, security, and belonging, but it also represents loss. Sometimes I wonder whether I’m longing for the place itself or for the people who made it feel like home.

As for my parents, I do believe they would smile at me with love. I built a life that is very different from the one they lived. I think they’d tell me to separate the login from the emo Thtion.

The harder question for me is whether returning home would be honoring what was, or whether it would be trying to hold on to something that has already passed. I haven’t figured that out yet.

What I do know is that when I’m on that land, a part of me feels deeply at peace. And yet, strangely, I can also feel homesick there.

The sun has just set and it’s still light out.