Dear Anita,

Thank you for asking me these questions.

1. My currently plan is to survive and pay for his needs and fees while working in singapore. The working experience could help me get a better job and it will make me understand what I actually want to do in my life.

2. I will be working in Singapore until I am done paying for my brother’s fees which will be end of next year. But I will not be staying with my grandaunt till then. She has been asking if I have started looking for other place, so I will probably move out once I found a better place by this year.

3. I do not want to take his money. I understand his actions but I can’t bear to take his hard earned money unless I really have no other choices. I feel like I have to discuss this with my mum too, because it is a family matter.

4. After I am done paying my brother’s fees, I will quit my current job after getting a job in Malaysia. I will then move back home first, and then move out once I am financially stable with my boyfriend. It is definitely going to take some time but thats okay, I guess.

The reason why I am paying my brother’s fees was because my dad used to be a business man and he got cheated on by his business partners and went bankrupt. It all happened last year. My brother was left with finishing his degree. He wanted to study in Malaysia to lessen our burden but it will take him 4 years and now the uni he is studying in takes him only 2 years. So my mum wanted him to get it done and finish it early like I did so I have help my family out in paying his fees.

I feel really bad for my brother so I don’t mention all this to him. I do not want him to feel bad or worsen his energy. I just hope I could endure and get it done and over with. It will be unfair for him if I don’t. I just want my brother to live like other teenagers.

I still remember when my brother told me that he will choose to study in Malaysia. Me and my boyfriend actually took up the initiative to pay for everything because at least from my boyfriend’s perspective, we can still be together and it won’t cost as much as it does now.

But it’s okay I guess. I just hope my dad and my brother is okay.

Dear DharmaSeed,

Your reply means a lot to me. I sincerely appreciate it.

Its hard looking for a job in Singapore, I graduated with a degree in Singapore but in terms of looking for a job. They will usually reject me because I am Malaysian even after having some experience. This is my first job in Singapore, I felt like I just grab any opportunity given so that I could help my family but at the same time, working here is draining my energy away. I wake up with anxiety attack on a daily basis, I am so tired. I thought it was just an early stage thing but I have been here for 5 months and I am still having anxiety attack.

What energizes and recharges me? I am not sure. I usually listen to this group named BTS. Their songs healed my soul in a lot of way. If I were to give a situation song, it will be Paradise. And the lyric goes,

” We borrow dreams from others (Like a debt)
We learn that we need to become great (Like a light)
Your dream. Is actually a burden
If having a future is the only dream existing
Then what is the dream you had last night in your bed?
It’s alright if the name of the dream is different
Be it buying a laptop next month Or just eating and sleeping
Not doing anything at all yet still having a lot of money
Who says a dream must be something grand, Just become anybody
We deserve a life. Whatever big or small, you are you after all “

Thank you for being so sweet. I felt like I have no choice. I really do wish to take a break from everything, life. But my responsibilities and priorities is too heavy to do so.

Thank you for your advise, I will think of what energizes me or recharges me.

Please take care and stay safe always.

Hi Anita, the following paragraph will have some trigger warning.

I’m going to side track a little. I had few mental breakdowns last night. After work I was really tired. So I did not get dinner, I played online games with my family for awhile and then head to bed. I was really sleepy but I couldn’t sleep AT ALL. Not even a wink, I had bad anxiety attack, I just broke down, I just feel so stressed out, like I couldn’t breathe. I used to self harm whenever I have suicidal thoughts but I was clean for almost 6-7 years now. But yesterday, the temptation to do something to end my life was real. Like I really forgotten of all my priorities and responsibilities and I just want to end it. I am really tired.

Back to answering your questions,

There is a few packages to help families and students but my family are not eligible to get it, which is sad. My brother is not eligible to get the caring package because he is studying overseas. If he is Malaysia then he will prolly get it. That is why I have to support him which me working in singapore. I used to work in Malaysia but their pay is too little to help my brother.

‘I hope that you can leave Singapore and be back in Malaysia sooner than later.’ , I do wish the same too. It will be probably in another month or two. I just hope I am able to hold onto it. I so afraid to lose myself.

Another side story, yesterday while I was working. My grandaunt came in to the room, and made a commotion about my room. That is fine, as every mother/ aunt ever. But she started complaining that I uses the fan too much, she would want me to not on the fan. But there is no air conditioning in the room and the weather here is really hot and humid. Sigh.

I just wish she is a little understanding, at least my stay will be bearable.

Thank You Anita! I will consider telling my boss about it the next time.

I will appreciate you replying me Anita, I really do. Thank you.

Good Morning Anita, yes please feel free to ask me anything. I am really sorry if my english is bad as it is not my first language.

1. The relative that I am currently staying with is my great-grandaunt and her husband’s side family which I am not familiar with actually.

2. There are days where I am actually really busy with work, and I am not in a good headspace because of the stress I give myself. They will often give me task to do which I am okay with it but I don’t see them helping or doing anything and it felt kinda unfair to me and I feel bad feeling that way so I will just get it done and over with.

Based on what they have told me, its their house. I am just renting there so I am not allowed to cook. But that doesn’t mean I get free dinner, i will need to order food delivery services or make something really simple like overnight oats etc.

3. My boss doesn’t know about it. I am currently taking over the receptionist job so I am working downstairs, this hate speech happened when they came down for a smoke break. I did not told my boss about it, I didn’t want to make the situation worst so I just let them scold me, its fine.

4. We live one border away, so I will usually go back when I have the time as it takes about 4 hours drive.

Thank you for answering Anita, please do take care of yourself and Stay Safe.