Hi Tee.

I understand that my perspective is blinkered at the moment, but if you could see and know what I have lost, and the opportunities I had, then you might understand more. Things like this (meeting her) do not happen to me often, it was a miracle really to find that she was just as attracted to me as I was to her, and the connection was so strong. And yet, I did my best to destroy it. Throughout the relationship I was acting like a narcissist on occasions, which I have realised I am not because a true narcissist wouldn’t admit to doing anything wrong. However, I take responsibility for what I did and I deeply regret those actions and the things I said and the insensitive nature of the “final straw” moment, which I triggered and which caused me to lose her.

If I can live with the self-hate, and hopefully this will lessen given time, then I know what I need to fix. However, it’s putting it into practice with someone I really care about. At the moment that person doesn’t exist in my world (well she does, but she’s moved on).

I am very hard on myself most of the time. I want to achieve in all aspects of my life. I want to do the best that I can. However, sometimes I am lazy, self-centred and anti-social. I knew about these traits before, but did nothing to address them, address my mental health and address the problems I was causing in the relationship.

I remember having the same traits all throughout my childhood and into adulthood, of wanting to achieve, be popular and be the best I can, be but never fulfilling the goals I set for myself or the standards of others, either due to lack of self belief or the other traits I have pointed out, or just not having the opportunities. I did become reasonably successful during the 2000s but the 2008 crash had me try to rebuild (as many people did) but I never got the previous levels of success I’d had before. I’d often beat myself up about things not going right and that I must achieve more. I suppose I have a lack of empathy for myself.

Looking back, she was the miracle I needed in my life and I had everything I could have possibly ever wanted was with her, but I failed her and failed myself, failed to see the future with her, and caused issues and problems when there didn’t need to be any. I know you shouldn’t relay on any other person but yourself for happiness, but somehow I felt complete with her. But perhaps feeling complete makes some people (like me) uncomfortable, and we seek misery and self-destruction when we should be seeking love, understanding and affection and well as giving out those emotions.

The world is a sad and confusing place for me at the moment, and I know I am not the only one and there are other people out there who have far worse problems than myself. I feel for them, but I don’t feel any empathy for myself at all. I think it’s a case of acceptance that she has moved on. Acceptance that I made some very bad judgements. Acceptance that I must live with what I did and what I have lost. Acceptance that I MUST change and recognise when my personality traits start to interfere with not only my life but the lives of others. I do not want to be the person who inflicts such terrible emotional pain and suffering to someone else ever again, even though meeting someone else is unlikely anyway as I do not have the social skills or confidence I used to have as I did over 6 years ago. Who knows, but I guess I must try at some point because my true love isn’t coming back, and if I were her I wouldn’t either.

Hi Tee,

Thank you for the words. I do appreciate the responses. The problem is that I cannot excuse myself and blaming my childhood seems like an excuse to me, or perhaps a way of passing the blame for my actions. I know that sounds harsh but it’s what resonates in my mind. I have tried now for two months and I just don’t seem any closer to a solution. The therapy has only been going for 4 weeks, so I hope this will help in some way. As for the meds, they don’t seem to be working at all but I am reviewing this with my medical practitioner next week.

I am sorry to learn of your pain and I understand the connection. In my own case this may have been true, but I was so cruel to her and to not have that empathy is totally diabolical. I don’t mean to be cruel, I was just in a different world of complete ignorance and hated her for a time. As I say, as time passed I just lost her completely and I cannot stop going around in circles and cannot cope with the shame and guilt and now jealousy which consumes me every minute. I am just horrified at what I have lost and what I did.

I have awakened, but it’s to a realisation that I am not a good person at all. I must and have to change. I cannot undo what I have done. I cannot win her back into my life – it’s too late for that. I have learned my lesson but it’s just too late and I do not know if I could meet someone or even be in a relationship again after what I have done. Then there’s all the other things to factor in with actually getting along with someone and finding that special person, as she was. This hurts also and drives me to revulsion over the actions I have taken and revulsion to be with someone else. But this is a long way in the future. I don’t know what the universe has planned for me, maybe an existence of loneliness for the rest of my life, which fills me with utter horror. From where I am standing now, she was my best chance and I destroyed it.

Sorry for the rant. I am just so tired and frustrated and to learn what I learned last week really cut me to the core and hurt me very deeply, but it’s what I needed to know I guess. Then again I didn’t need to know that much. I still don’t think it hasn’t really registered and I am just taking the day one minute at a time.

I do appreciate your time and the thought that goes into your responses though.

Thank you Anita.

I understand the connection to my childhood, but the truth is I was selfish and blind to the future and the possible ramifications of what I was doing, even though in the back of mind I knew it was wrong and could lose her – and I did. I am supposed to be a fairly bright and rational man, and I go do something like that to cause this amount of pain and suffering. I can only try and get well and move on and never, ever treat a woman (or anybody) like that again, especially one so wonderful and precious to me. But moving on will bring it’s own new difficulties because of this incident, but I will have to deal with that if I ever get in the position to do so. I miss her deeply but my stupidity and short sightedness of the future took her from me. Now she has a new life and I am in utter misery and will be for the foreseeable future. I knew I should have tried harder in the relationship and I knew I shouldn’t have taken her for granted, but curse my soul I did. It cuts deep that I didn’t do more and appreciate and love wholeheartedly what I had at the time. All too late now though. Apologies if I am rambling but I am in utter emotional agony with the confirmation that she has a new partner (I cannot believe I am typing this, and the tears are rolling). It hurts so much. It really hurts.

G