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Erin

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Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
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  • July 31, 2017 at 4:18 pm #161462
    Erin
    Participant

    I have been rejected in this way (deliberately ignored and deliberately not told what the problem was) it was very difficult.  I had wished she hadn’t done that to me.  Or at least I had wished she had just told me what I was doing wrong, even if she said it on her way out the door… but I realize this requires superhero (therapist-level) communication skills & wisdom, and you can’t be expected to have those superhero abilities.

    You have to put yourself first: you are entitled to choose to leave a friendship that is hurting you.  Do not feel like you have to sacrifice yourself in order to tiptoe over others’ feelings.

    If you want to leave – even if you feel like the only way you feel you can do it is by ignoring her – then do it.  I say this, as someone who knows how it feels to be on the receiving end of this “ignoring” rejection.  I am glad this girl did not try to stay friends with me and end up resenting me.

    If you can only give your ex-friend one thing on the way out the door, try to give her a reminder that she’s worthy of love.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Erin.
    July 6, 2017 at 5:40 pm #156728
    Erin
    Participant

    Hi I started this topic in February, and now it’s July and I want to update you lovely people.

    I moved out.  And I have no intention of moving back in.

    I was going to do it for a few months, without high hopes.  And, for whatever reason (summer, diet, daily walking, making an empowering change, or actually living away from my mum) it’s definitely made a difference!  It surprised me when my anxiety level suddenly dropped off, and I’m more in touch with who I am.  I started to take small upward-spiral-y steps towards reconnecting with friends.  I took myself out to a concert where I felt a little shy and anxious at times but was ok with that and relaxed some.

    I’m living with one to two other people, and we get along well.  It was fully furnished, and has a nice view, and is a pleasant walk to work.  I see my dad more often than my mum, but I go over to their house about once a week.

    I still haven’t resolved my issue with my mum, but I feel I have created the space to grow and live fully, and I feel much less angry and resentful.  (Newton you’re right, after moving out I am juuust starting/about to start to heal my relationship with her.)  I don’t know if she’s ever had an experience of being allowed to be acceptable exactly as she is just by being human – for me that was a foreign and magical experience at the age of 24, and I was quite inspired by it.

    Nina Sakura, I think I will try your list thing.  Also, you are totally right that it’s a powerlessness thing, and it’s almost like “taking back my life for myself” is a theme that extends back at least five years. (“this is my fight song/take back my life song”)

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Erin.
    May 21, 2017 at 8:42 am #150175
    Erin
    Participant

    Hi!

    First of all thank you all for responding.  Sorry for taking so long to get back to you – I kind of got cold feet.

    I’m going to sort through them (17 years worth) and keep only the ones that either make me feel good or tell a story.  That’s going to take a while, but when I do I’ll remember you and see if any of you are still interested.

    March 28, 2017 at 8:00 pm #142667
    Erin
    Participant

    Hi wildoceanflower, that sounds hard!  You don’t feel like yourself, you feel irrational/panicky/desperate/stupid.

    My suggestion?  See a therapist.  (You don’t have to have a mental illness – personally I suffered from being a human, being hurt and trying to think my feelings rather than feel them, being afraid, not knowing how to move forward).  It was amazing.  It was this safe space where she would accept me as a human being no matter what I said.  It was beautiful to be so well understood and accepted.  I learned that therapists do say “How does that make you feel” because that’s an important question!  Therapy was exactly what I needed, and somehow I became myself again.

    (I just noticed that you said in a later post that you are slowly letting it go…. awesome.  that’s what would happen in therapy too.  I suppose I’m a little late replying to this thread, and i hope things are getting better!)

    March 28, 2017 at 7:02 pm #142653
    Erin
    Participant

    You remind me of myself.

    I think this (being there without being clingy) is something you learn to gauge: being present, recognizing how you feel, paying attention to the other person’s reactions, and adjusting.  This is difficult to do when you’re feeling anxious, but you can do it to whatever extent you feel able in the moment and that’s good enough.  This balance is not like walking a tightrope, where if you mess up you fall to your death.  It’s more like driving: you pay attention and stay in the present moment and if you get off track you adjust, keeping yourself on the road.  Sooner or later you will notice and adjust.

    I agree with Anita, long distance is difficult!  Do you have plans to live closer to each other?  I think that is the best setting to learn that balance between together time and alone time.

    March 28, 2017 at 6:21 pm #142647
    Erin
    Participant

    I totally agree with you that it’s HIS choice whether he deletes his facebook and stop watching porn.  He decided that was the best course of action, and it is not very nice or mature of him to try to make you feel guilty because of it!

    Perhaps he felt your comments were threatening somehow?  Maybe he thought you’d judge him, hurt his feelings, so fought back by being mean about it?

    Anyway – you deserve a grown-up version of him, who makes an effort to listen and doesn’t try to make you feel guilty.  If he won’t do that then you deserve someone else.

     

    February 8, 2017 at 4:23 pm #127068
    Erin
    Participant

    What a supportive community this is! I hope you’re both having a good day today.

    Anita – not only does your reply remind me that my experience is valid, but thank you for sharing your experience with me. I’m going to save this forum discussion on my computer for next time I need to be reminded that I’m not alone. I hope things are going well for you on your journey too.

    Inky – thanks. I hadn’t thought of courchsurfing (I’m a little anxious around people, but that could be good for me). I could consider finding a sublet if I’m hesitant to commit to a twelve-month lease.

    January 25, 2017 at 9:52 am #126121
    Erin
    Participant

    Hello,

    I chose to read your post because it has some of the same flavour of my own story (I find it easier to be a friend when I like myself, but it’s a lot easier to like myself if I have friends).

    You’ve been trying activities in order to meet people, which sounds like a good approach. I have an idea, based on what a friend of mine does: she has GAD and volunteers at the local mental health hospital. I’m not sure exactly what she does but it’s office work (something to do with donations or fundraising events?) I wonder if this is an option for you, meaningful work with other like-minded people of all ages to help people whose struggles have been similar to yours. I imagine that anyone who volunteers there has some experience with mental illness (themselves, family member, friend) and won’t judge you for having a mental illness or expect you to pretend not to (Not what I can say about SOME people I knew).

    January 22, 2017 at 9:27 am #125904
    Erin
    Participant

    Someone with the academic degree may have the knowledge, but they might be shy or anxious. They may not have the ability to cope with stress (and without that, all knowledge doesn’t matter) and they may not have the assertiveness or aggressiveness to step on a few toes. You probably have the right personality for the job.

    Inky said you won’t lose your job unless you make a big mistake. I disagree: a lot of people lose their jobs without making a big mistake. The thing is, in my experience those people are the shy and anxious ones with knowledge. You’ll probably be fine.

    December 23, 2016 at 6:43 am #123365
    Erin
    Participant

    A friend of a friend (here in Canada) does this really neat thing where she invites anyone who doesn’t have plans for any reason, for an inclusive dinner on Dec 25. That’s something you could consider starting next year, if you like planning things and hosting people.

    If your parents are excluding you like that, it’s not you it’s them. I’m sorry that you have parents that would do something like that.

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