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Embers Pearl

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  • April 12, 2014 at 4:54 pm in reply to: Mother-in-Law #54686
    Embers Pearl
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    At what point did things change?

    You saw another side to her with her talking behind people’s backs, sucking up to bosses and so on. Was it you that changed toward her? Was it you who changed? Could you find a way to like her again, paying attention to all her good points? You do not need to answer me, perhaps just to think about the point where you feel things changed.

    All we have is ‘me’ in that sense – its all we have to work on. If we can find our part in things, then it is possible to mend what may have gone wrong. If you do not believe you have played any part, then I guess there is no hope.

    Jen

    April 12, 2014 at 4:42 pm in reply to: Owning up to your life – the guilt, the blame. #54685
    Embers Pearl
    Participant

    Louise you seem very angry in many of your posts.

    April 12, 2014 at 4:38 pm in reply to: Mindfulness #54684
    Embers Pearl
    Participant

    Will, thank you for sharing your own journey. You are gaining awareness and that seems important.

    I have just bought two books: Loving Kindness and also Buddhist Boot camp and hope they will further my own journey.

    April 12, 2014 at 4:29 pm in reply to: Mindfulness #54683
    Embers Pearl
    Participant

    Louise – the scenario is entirely fictitious. I am a retired female and do not work, nor have I for a long time. None of this has ever happened to me, nor anyone I know.

    What is real, in part at least, is the emotion attached to it and the quandary it created inside of me. Therefore I guess it could seem real in that sense.

    This is a public forum and therefore not safe enough to share any real situations and I was very careful that this fiction would not in any way have clues to anything real. Its nothing to do with my not speaking from myself. I feel at ease to speak from myself and people who know would probably agree. But I do not share too much on the net.

    April 9, 2014 at 1:45 am in reply to: Letting go of unkind comments #54529
    Embers Pearl
    Participant

    Lilac – from the way you have written your story, I get a sense that you might already know what is going on with your sister.

    I feel she is in a lot of pain which she projects out onto you. people do this to a) get rid of the feeling and b) allow others to experience this pain.

    It seems to me that she feels a great envy toward you, your achievements and support system. people do not really envy what other people have; generally they envy the attributes of a person which gets them those things.

    First of all I would suggest you search your own heart. Can you honestly say there is not a part of you that colludes somewhere in this?

    Secondly – one does not have to defend. But you could perhaps try to open communication:

    For example: “You seem irritated with my choices” – or “Why do you say …….?

    You can not deal with or heal someone else’s pain which you are not the true cause of – you are contemplating sacrificing your needs in order to make others feel better and this will leave resentment and eventually lead to more pain.

    April 9, 2014 at 1:22 am in reply to: Mindfulness #54528
    Embers Pearl
    Participant

    Hello again Matt,

    Your words have been most helpful and given me much food for thought. It has also helped me to feel more at peace about a situation which does not exactly mirror John and Kevin’s situation; it does however mirror the emotion and ego states. I shall therefore finish the story in a way I think might take the emotions at least a step toward a more peaceful way of being:

    John decided to take another look at the forms Kevin created. After some time, he could see there may be some things he could use to update the current forms. He felt Kevin’s may need an edit, but generally there were some interesting ideas emerging.

    He told Kevin that he was impressed with some of his ideas and had decided to integrate some of them into his own forms. Kevin was a little annoyed inside because he wanted his complete forms to replace John’s rather than be integrated. However, he did not express his annoyance because John being reasonable disabled the feeling. John was aware of Kevin’s hidden annoyance but allowed Kevin to have and deal with his own feelings and did not try to defend or mend.

    John suggested that he and Kevin have regular meetings in future. ‘These’ he told kevin ‘would give us a chance to discuss ideas together before implementing them’.

    April 7, 2014 at 1:24 pm in reply to: Mindfulness #54430
    Embers Pearl
    Participant

    Matt – I think I understand what you mean. is it that you feel what Kevin did was Kevin’s Karma and therefore John could not concern himself other than to reinstate the appropriate forms.

    I will add a little more to the story which is really fictitious but has echos of a real situation. Kevin actually feels a little envious of John and his position in the company and of his administrative skills. But there is a part of him that also aspires to being like John. Kevin has low self esteem and John had picked this up from the start. John’s desire is to help Kevin as he has a deep empathy for him. John is so good at what he does, he has been head hunted several times. He enjoys what he does and feels glad that he does it well. He is also under pressure and knows his bosses would not be happy with more shall we say, messy forms.

    I do understand the idea of attachment to his 10 years -perhaps if he lived in a commune or as a monk, he may be able to release all attachment – but the reality is he uses his ego to achieve his good work which in turn pays his way in the world. Would this then cause a conflict – can one live and work in the world and still let go of all ego?

    I am truly interested in the ideas – both for me and for enlightenment.

    Em J

    April 7, 2014 at 10:00 am in reply to: 5 things you like about yourself #54422
    Embers Pearl
    Participant

    1: I love all animals and all living things with a deep passion

    2: I am sensitive and intuitive

    3: I like that I am able to write short stories with relative ease

    4: I love to laugh and make others laugh

    5: I am open to change

    April 7, 2014 at 9:47 am in reply to: Mindfulness #54418
    Embers Pearl
    Participant

    Thank you all for such insightful and interesting thoughts.

    I feel the same most of the time and my job has required me to develop a way of seeing people and their lives in as non-judgemental way as I find possible. I do worry about people who have no negative thoughts because I would wonder if they go inside or are hidden and cause physical symptoms. Equally for me its not about not having negative thoughts, more what one does with them. Mindfulness can perhaps assist with this.

    My difficulty would be this:

    I will present a fictitious scenario here.

    John has been in a job for 10 years. The job becomes too much for one person and so his bosses agree for him to have an assistant. John is one of the interviewers and helps to pick Kevin.

    All is going fairly well until John is off sick for a week. While he is away, Kevin deletes some of the forms John has created and one’s that are well written and work for the task they are required for. Kevin then creates new forms, which are not very good and when John returns he feels both hurt and angry at Kevin trashing what amounts to 10 years of work.

    Luckily John has them on disk but, Kevin has already implemented his and so it will be very time consuming and cause bad feeling for John to re-instate his own forms. Because kevin’s are so badly written he feels he must.

    John has chosen to live in a mindful and zen style way. However he must do something about these forms and he wants to do it without causing too much aggro. He has also discovered recently that Kevin is a touchy, slightly aggressive person. What should John do?

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Embers Pearl.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Embers Pearl.
    April 6, 2014 at 3:42 pm in reply to: Identifying Mental Hurdles #54383
    Embers Pearl
    Participant

    I think the fact that you are able to know this, says to me that a part of you is in fact looking at this objectively, but, the other, more limited part has the most power.

    There is hope, if only that the objective, knowing part can grow bigger than the limited part.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Embers Pearl.
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