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Edoardo

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • #302705
    Edoardo
    Participant

    Peggy, selfless love is what I aspire to see one day in me.

    Now, with also all of this, there’s only selfish love, and it’s kind of twisted.

    Bringing up a person to the table in order to have only my needs met or my needs met it’s not that fair. It’s natural and certainly a wonderful feeling, but I have to love myself first.

    And that’s the trashy part

    #302601
    Edoardo
    Participant

    I was just using a metaphor. Sometimes It’s really hard to connect. Or you just can’t

    #302581
    Edoardo
    Participant

    I’ll try to be as synthetic as possible.

    1-aloofness, apathy (my special friend), boredom, shallowness, too much sensitivity/weakness, moodiness, complaints, constant talking and stupid gossip. The absence of passion, depth and engagement are particularly venomous, as I struggle with them constantly

    2-always had them. I am a very funny and extrovert person whenever I want to. I also easily track other people emotions and perceptions. And I’m kinda assertive

    3-superior no. Just different often. It’s like trying to connect a fossil with a Wi-Fi hotspot so to speak.

    Peggy, as for the body mass I’ve never been more than 63 kgs. I’m tall 1.87 meters. Based on the whole calculations, I should be around 70 kgs. That’s kind of hard for me, as I have an extremely light and flexible bone structure. Right now I’m weighing 56 kgs.

     

    Sex drive is also absent because of the already described proto traumas, the horrible state of the gay community and probably bodly difficulties.

    I don’t want to be dependent on someone. I think that romantic love It’s some sort of very selfish act

     

    #302531
    Edoardo
    Participant

    Anita, that was difficult to read. Very heart wrenching. I hope you are gaining back your power after all that stuff.

    The only parts in which I find similarities are the points 4 and 5. Yeah, being skinny gives me a somewhat prideful feel and the (of course distorted) confirmation of my young age and “beautiful” looks.

    For the attention part- I’ve always been somewhat of a loner, but I’m also a very extrovert person, with good leadership skills. Problem is that people tend to really annoy me, mostly because of various immature behaviors that I try to limit in my own life (the actual results of such efforts are fuzzy at best, and this whole situation can be a confirmation of this).

    So I tend to close myself off, or at least I try to be as selective as possible. I have few friends, and that also represents a big toll, as they are often very busy and- strangely for me- I do feel lonely sometimes.

    The fact that I wasn’t also able to have an intimate relationship could also be linked to this, after all, I never had all the affection that couples have. I do love my friends, as much as I can, but there are some thresholds that my mind (and theirs)  don’t even consider to pass. Maybe the lack of physical affection has to do something in all of this.

    So yeah, maybe the affection part is caused by not meeting my social and physical/emotional needs. Do you think that our obsession with thinness is also a search for emotional comfort?

    #302515
    Edoardo
    Participant

    Peggy, also observing the evolution of my behaviour in these days is reinforcing that all of this is just a symptom- who apparently took also form of an habit.

    Can’t say that I control food intake yet, but at least knowing that it is not the main problem is somewhat helping, although we are far from a concrete solution

     

     

    #302493
    Edoardo
    Participant

    Thank you for the replies.

    For the mindful approach, I’m  trying to get it. Apparently my body is comfortable with fasting or at least very small portions of food, which is not what it was used to and certainly doesn’t help recovery. I must’ve to admit that I don’t know if it’s 100% body response or there’s a lot of background anorexic work.

    Anita, do you think that this all could also be sparked by needs for attention? I’m thinking about this too, what is your experience with that side of eating disorders?

     

    #302433
    Edoardo
    Participant

    Anita, snake mode is gulping down food just like a snake. With a very short time for munching it up.

    Peggy, as for the image, I do know that it’s distorted and doesn’t want the best for me, at least biologically speaking. As also said by Anita, these things do creep on you and stick around. Especially when you try to ignore them. You can try to face them, but the fear of them being right is so atrocious. They are somewhat protecting you from something, that maybe will never exist, but they are a defence. You don’t want the image to go bad. You want that body as skinny as it can be

     

    #302353
    Edoardo
    Participant

    Peggy, while being in a caloric deficit is the basis of weight loss, there’s also a whole hormonal circus behind it that can rapidly increase or decrease our efforts. That’s why I’m trying keto and low carb, to enhance insulin sensitivity, prevent unnecessary hormone-driven fat storage and to get my body comfortable with the burning of fat, in case I’ll have to burn it off in the future.

    As for the caloric intake (and need), it varies tremendously from day to day, from food to food. Eating mostly whole things (or things based on natural ingredients which follow very rigid and particular rules of ripening, conservation and flavoring such as the cheees and meats of my region) it’s very difficult to get a good picture of their caloric value. Still it’s not a bad idea to get an approximation- but now I’m still recovering from the calorie counting obsession, which  pushed me in an extremely low cal regime full of sugars (from fruits mostly) and carbs of dubious effect. Unsurprisingly, I wasn’t as lean as I am Now, whilst following calorie counting and still a somewhat healthy diet.

    As for the fullness- once it’s decided that is meal time (by me or thanks to “encouraging”) my jaws go into snake mode, even if I’m not hungry. That’s also one of the reasons that fuel that craving for power on this whole thing.

    That’s another big one,and I’m sorry for not having mentioned it before, as my introspection is finding more and more fishes in the pond, I hope you are patient with me. Maybe That’s also one of things that fortified the misunderstanding between me and Anita.

    For exercise: I am a very active person and I try to move and walk as much as I can naturally. The horrible Italian public transport and my concerns about environmental impact also help in moving.

    The thought part is the trashy one: entropy reigns and among all the conflicting emotions, feelings, advice and thoughts my current line of behaviour is the only thing that I was able to create with some lucidity

     

    #302347
    Edoardo
    Participant

    Anita, I did it, sideways.

    The whole rape thing is comprehensible, but I truly don’t click with it. I’m the first one who force feeds his animals in order to prevent their death (and for animals such as snakes and lizards it’s very common to have illnesses that bring a starvation response). Of course, the thing is done after severe analysis and when everybody is certain that the only option remaining is the forced feeding.

    Same happened to me, as I was frequently visited by doctors that were also extremely worried. I don’t know what caused my response, but I don’t condemn the actions that others imparted on me. Without them I wouldn’t be here Now, for the worse or the better.

    For the power thing, as said before, I consciously subtract power from myself, so it tries to go into other rivers. As said before, I’m fully aware that the whole fat phobia is just a symptom or a incarnation of something bigger.

    Something I don’t think is truly brought up by external enemies, but the fact that I constantly repress myself. Now, if the repression is caused by external forces is Something that I don’t know yet.

    I don’t know how to get more in depth into This, maybe I’m not getting the point that you are trying to make.

    Feel free to ask more in-depth question if you continue to find discrepancies

     

    #302255
    Edoardo
    Participant

    Think you both!

    Anita- I’m perfectly aware that this in part is just an escape route. I want to bring attention to the “in part” as apparently, this aversion is related also to my sense of beauty, which is something that I can’t control fully.

    About the whole power affair: I think that is reasonable (and biologically ingrained into us) to seek power of any kind in our lives.

    That brings me to unleash a favourite theory of mine, the “quantum level theory”.

    Basically, every time light (or another form of wave energy) interacts with an atom, some of it gets absorbed and a part of it does not. The absorption is made possible by the energy of the photon, the little packet in which light is condensed. A photon must have a certain energy in order to be absorbed: this energy is equal to the energy that is required for an electron to jump from it’s standard orbit into a more less stable orbit. So the photon must have the same energy of the gap between the two orbits. I think that every human is capable of conjuring photons that are able to do the jumps that one wants to do. Problem that I find with me, is that I refrain from crafting the photons. And that’s the big deal. The whole fat phobia could be easily reduced if I’d start to have a more serious and stable approach to exercise, which apparently for my mind is somewhat a no-no, maybe because of all the over exercising.

    I’d like also to discuss about the thoughts that Peggy brought to the table.

    Food is nutrition, that is directly linked to the deeper interactions of this reality, apparently.

    Maybe as a toddler I was more in tune with that than now. The people around me were worried, as I did not display excellent health at all and I was almost deliberately starving myself.

    The whole fasting thing is making me more conscious of the detachment that we have created between us and the food. Yesterday for example I was forced to eat dinner after a very big lunch. The energy in my body was so much that it kept me awake most of the night.

    This morning I skipped breakfast, and I felt incredible. Not only because I said a “no”, but also because my body is not designed to have a constant nutrient intake.

    We are marvels forged by thousands of years of evolution, and certainly our bodies are capable of handling dry periods. This is something that is puzzling me, as I’m becoming more aware of the continuous unnecessary consumption of food. Today I had an enormous lunch, and my body apparently is full. No need to introduce more things.

    The whole three meals a day is becoming a somewhat false idol. As Peggy said, I’m only searching for a good balance between me and the food, which is a very big deal.

    Now, I don’t know if this is just a perverted strategy that keeps enforcing the habit, I hope it isn’t. I would like to know your thoughts about this.

     

     

     

    #302227
    Edoardo
    Participant

    Ho Peggy, really thank you, I’d don’t know what to say!

    For the “eating to live” I find it very sterile and difficult to relate to. Mainly from a somewhat spiritual viewpoint (but also a scientific one) food is such a complex and beautiful thing (both biologically-with all the bodily responses- and spiritually, as you integrate within you something that was other and that helps building you) that I find it really hard to reduce it in such a simple affair.

    What I’d like to do is reaching an equilibrium, and try to experience nutrition in the best way possible.

    As for my purpose, I do have thousands of passions, which are always sunk by my self sabotaging behaviour. Somethings become too complex, or they just appear too complex, and I give up.

    Maybe I have to find the mastery behind that.

    I also have to point out that in the few meditation sessions that I’ve experienced, I reached points in which I understood something, something far deeper than everyday life. It was complete union, and a somewhat eternal consciousness. They are just moments of bliss though, as our life and ego bring us back. So maybe there is a purpose for all of us. Seeing and admiring the incredible wonders of our universe, it would be unwise not to exploit them fully. But I’m getting too philosophical hahaha

    Btw, thank you for the reply. Hope to share ideas and hope with you and all the others, it’s kinda helping me

     

     

    #302221
    Edoardo
    Participant

    Sorry Anita for the late reply.

    Since I was a new born, up until 6 or 7, I just didn’t eat much. My mother couldn’t produce milk (and that was good, as she is a smoking industrial pipe) so I had all the baby foods and dried milk. Most of the time I just spat them out. People had to distract me in order for me to gulp down something. I was too young to remember. However I do remember my first appetite spikes, around age 7, maybe a little before. Then everything evolved smoothly, and I started to eat normally (definition that includes the classical Italian Sunday binges)

    #302193
    Edoardo
    Participant

    Thank you for the replies. I appreciate that immensely.

    My relationship with food changed over the years. When I was very little, I just refused to eat. I don’t know exactly why, my mother always says that I wasn’t interested in it at all. I was really fragile and small, easily prone to disease (and for two times I almost died for two big bacterial infections, one bacterial fire in the lungs and one very strong tonsillitis). I grew up with my paternal grandma, as my parents worked from 8 am up until 7 pm. She was, as all Italian grannies are, very fond of the food. She didn’t like to cook, but she was amazing at it. And growing up, I started to see food as a normal thing and a pleasure thanks to her. What I’ve noticed is that I truly respect food, maybe it’s an italian cliche, but for us the food and everything that floats around it are almost sacred. That relationship is now distorted, and I do acknowledge perfectly that it’s just an escape route, like a hole in a container that gets rid of the gas in excess. Probably because it’s something material, something that has a more earthly relationship with me, easier maybe to control.

    In regards of the looks, I’m a very aesthetically centered person. I don’t think it’s shallowness, but I’m truly captivated by beauty, and I’m an active seeker of it. My concept of beauty is extremely wide, but unfortunately in the human, physical range it’s very standard. The not-so-good for our mental health standard. I really want to know why I can’t truly separate the material and immaterial beauty from a male (process that is basically automatic for everything else that comes in contact with me) but still, it remains a thing that has its own gravity.

    As for the feelings, yes, they are always suppressed. I think that my whole life is suppressed. I always have the clear sensation that, because of my own decision or mindset, I’m not truly living. It’s a golden cage, but still a cage. Maybe I don’t want to open it up, or maybe the external factors are playing a big part here. Or it can be both. So yeah, the capability to control and gain power, as well as try to express some kind of discomfort fits in the whole thing.

    The problem is that , as Anita said, those things creep up and they are truly detrimental.  Sometimes I really question them, as they are only stupid thoughts that want to achieve something that it’s the exact opposite of what they propose. But they become habits, and the fear of their absence, of not listening to them, becomes very, very powerful.

    What I also want to know is how to avoid the birth of this whole fear. Maybe it’s society, maybe it’s just anxiety that wants to take a more material, recognizable body.

    Anita, thank you for your reply. Know that I’m with you, as I truly get what you mean. Peggy, thank you for the insight, I hope to start to walk down some path that will lead to some kind of mastery. Don’t know how, but maybe I will.  Thank you again for your attention. If you want to discuss this further or have questions, feel free to ask.

     

Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)