Anita,

If you have input to give I will be happy to read it. Partially the reason I have made some topics on this website is due to the fact I am able to get all of my thoughts out of my head, so sometimes I will read input without responding to it. I believe this topic will probably be the last one I post on this website, however.

-Isra

@Prash @Elt

Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciate you taking the time to read through what I wrote and offering advice as well as support.

I’ve created a new worksheet for myself so I can consciously write down those thoughts when they’re being unreasonable, and I just had a chance to try it this morning. The worksheet consists of five columns:

• ‘Thought/Situation’ – What anxious thought I had or what the current (likely wrong) perceived situation is.
• ‘Response’ – How I responded to the thought or situation; could be a feeling (like sadness) or an action (such as sending a message out of that neediness or fear).
• ‘Distortion’ – What distortion lies within the thought? Took this from an earlier worksheet given to me by my therapist during my depression recovery. Includes things like Mind-Reading, Magnification, Emotional Reasoning, Fortune-Telling, etc.
• ‘Why This is Unreasonable’ – What is the problem with this thought or assumption about the situation? Are my expectations unreasonable? Could there be another reason for this situation? Why is it unhelpful? Can this be proven, and if not, why are you taking it as a fact? Those sorts of questions to help discredit the thought.
• ‘Evidence on Contrary’ – What has he done that might go against this thought? (A text he’s sent, something he’s done, or asking you if you want to spend some time with him, those sorts of things.)

I’ve also found a journal I can re-purpose for my idea of writing down the things I appreciate about him each day. I’m already in the habit of writing down three things I am grateful for every evening, so this will be another thing to add to my routine, to remind me to focus on the positives in the relationship while I’m working on correcting this anxiety.

I will also check out those books you’ve recommended, Elt! While my Self Esteem is a lot better than it used to be, I do suppose in some areas it could still use a little improvement. It’s funny, my self esteem tends to be pretty good when I’m single, but when I begin dating it’s as if that self esteem takes a bit of a backseat to what my partner thinks of me. In the relationship, I question myself, but out of a relationship, I decide I’m way good enough as a person! Maybe that’s something I need to look into a bit more to figure out why this happens. I do have a hunch, it’s just a matter of digging in a bit deeper to heal what’s wrong.

@Henry

Thank you for your reply; for some reason I wasn’t alerted there had been another, so only now am I seeing this!

I have to say, I agree with what you mentioned that he can’t use depression and anxiety as an excuse to hurt others and then, as you said, “pawn it off” as some sort of favor. That is very much part of what enraged me, because I had hoped even with these issues I would be worth the effort, especially since he’d claimed I helped him with it by being so understanding. In a way he’s just letting himself believe he will cause others to be pushed away, and so he cuts ties, regardless as to whether the other person would actually leave- instead of wanting to get help in the first place.

I still have empathy towards him, because I have had depression and know how messed up it can make you think and feel. However, having recovered from depression, I also understand that I had no right to use it as some trump card against others through any means. I can’t use it for emotional manipulation just because I feel bad.

I can’t completely forgive him for the way he ended things between us, but I can forgive him for being a broken person, and I will have to in order to move forward. I have deleted his number and removed him as a friend, because even though he said he wanted to be friends, I just don’t trust him anymore. And I don’t plan on him coming around trying to apologize, either.

~

I have successfully distanced myself from him, and even though we share several classes at school, his presence is beginning to not bother me at all. The other day he even moved to the other side of the room- whether this was because of me, I can’t be certain, though my friend noticed as well. I can look at him and hear his voice without cowering away because I understand that what has been done to me is wrong, and I have no reason to be ashamed or be made smaller because of his immature actions.

One good thing that has come out of this is that I have received support from numerous people, even those I don’t yet know too well at college. They heard about what happened and went on the defensive for me, telling me a lot of supportive things.

Even if it sounds strange to “spend time with others and call it a day,” honestly, that is sometimes the best feeling. To have people around you, that you know you can talk to, and then go home for an evening of peace at the end of each day.

Either way my frustration with this situation is still coming in brief waves, usually in the evening when I don’t think as clearly. But I am no longer waking up sick, and if anything it has given me a kick start to loving myself more and building up my courage and self-respect.

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies, I appreciate it.

@anita

While the insight for the past me is probably accurate, I have to say that in this case, I did nothing to warrant this reaction. Several times he’d had a depressive spell I remained myself, listening to him and giving what support I could in the form of a listening ear and hugs if he needed them, and the occasional word of advice when he wanted it. His problems did not affect me. He did not “notice how distressed” I got when he shared his issues, because I did not get distressed. I no longer take issue with the problems of others. I empathize with them and realize I cannot fix them, and don’t want to change them. It is up to them to want to change. Therefore, I no longer get stressed with that sort of thing.

The only relevance I could think of is if he believed my sad spell was because of him- which it had nothing to do with him at all, and everything to do with starting college and trying to figure out how I would manage homework and being involved on campus. This break up came out of nowhere, and he didn’t explain himself at all. After sharing this with my friends, many of them became more irritated than I was, saying they couldn’t believe he would do such a thing. Especially after his comments of ‘wanting a long term relationship’ and ‘being willing to talk things through.’ When his words counted, he did neither of these things. This makes everything he’s ever said to me feel empty, as though he never cared- though of course, this is the hurt talking. Maybe he did care at the time.

The consensus is that his depression and anxiety led him to suddenly- within days- decide he would just cause me problems or that it was too much for him to handle right now, despite previous conversations we’ve had. Despite everything he’d said. Despite making me believe everything was fine, and if something wasn’t fine, we would talk it out. Instead I received a sudden punch in the gut with hardly any explanation before he just walked away, end of story. Everything we had the past few months feels like a lie to me. It was as if he was suddenly an entirely different person with whom I had no history, the opposite side of a coin- as if I just woke up from a dream and in its place was nothing.

There was no emotional withdrawal, nor was there thinking of his undesirability as a boyfriend. For him, I was more than ready to work through rough patches with his depression, because I honestly saw a good heart in him despite it all. I was willing to stay and choose him time and time again. He’d made comments about me being too good for him, and about not deserving this. Maybe this contributed, I don’t know- but I do know he doesn’t hold himself to a high regard at all.

In the end, I’m too used to wanting to blame myself for everything. This time, I know there is nothing I could have done differently. This is his making, and now he will have to live with his decision- I just hope for him it was the right one, and that in the future he chooses his words more carefully if he’s just going to run away at the first sign of trouble, like he himself stated he does with his past: run from it.

@Inky

Thank you very much for the support. Too often I only hear the words ‘move on’ and no acknowledgement of how it makes me feel currently. I try not to be angry, but this was an offense that I couldn’t just keep calm over when I finally got home and was able to go over what happened. Rather than cry I’ve taken to writing all my feelings out and singing music that fits my mood.

And you’re right, the worst thing that could happen is if he suddenly comes back with apologies. In which case I will have to explain that he has practically shattered my trust with the approach he took, and that unless he shows me he’s working to change himself, there’s no way I’d go back to him after this. Normally I’m one to believe in second chances. Not this time. And I’m the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.

I feel similarly about what you said with the Universe. For some reason the Universe likes to send me confirmation through animal sightings sometimes (I believe in signs), and usually deer. Last night there were several of them in the backyard suddenly, which isn’t exactly a common occurrence- enough for me to believe it was the Universe saying this was meant to happen and it was okay. I believe that perhaps the Universe set us up hoping he would choose to try, but when he decided not to, it no longer had potential to work. That, or this was all just an attempt to show me that I can withstand pain like this and choose myself over something so toxic. Either way it’s a learning experience.

And even though I feel as though my chances of finding a compatible partner are slim, at least this has shown me I feel I can get very close. Someone preferably with a positive mood and who is as determined to work through things as I am.

@anita

I have put your earlier advice to use, and have found that anything I was triggered by before has faded away completely. I do believe my reactions could use some work, but I will also empathize that reacting the way I did was unnecessary self-defense from perceived threats to my well being.

I have definitely come a long way in terms of being supportive of others. I no longer do what I did in 6th grade, giving advice and trying to point out other things. Instead, these past few years I’ve been able to simply validate their feelings and hear them out. I do not give advice unless they are asking for it, though sometimes I will point out things they don’t seem to notice. I’ve grown a lot through my mistakes and will continue to do so.

~

Me and him (the new guy) finally did a video chat for the first time, and we ended up talking for two hours, which was way longer than I had planned but I really enjoyed sharing stories with him. He’s very open about a lot of things, and we even ended up talking a little bit about our past relationships. When I described to him what my ex had done before, he seemed surprised and- without me having said anything- commented that he had seemed quite controlling and obsessive of me. Those were two words I had never used to describe my ex, even though my friends had, and I was surprised to hear him say it. I realized instantly that if he can recognize something like that, for some reason it makes me feel like he understands not to do those things, which was what I was afraid of in the first place. It made me feel rather silly.

I also found out (through his own willingness to share) that he does see a therapist for some things, and that his therapist is going to be leaving soon, so he’ll need to find another and is a little scared about it. He describes that what he tends to do is overthink things and get down on himself for making mistakes, much like I do as well. He says he experiences periods of sadness sometimes and, more recently, feelings of being lost or unsure of where to go. All-in-all, at least from what I currently know, it doesn’t seem like the depression he had earlier described is as serious as it came across to be. He admitted that he doesn’t think his issues are as serious as he tends to describe them sometimes.

For me, personally, I find it refreshing for a guy to be so open about the fact they experience these things, as usually I don’t come across guys who will openly admit to therapy or feeling down. All the guys I’ve previously known would act as though they didn’t care, or play it off as nothing. He has even mentioned that he would like to get better at self-forgiveness. So even though he told me he tends to use comedy as a means of covering things sometimes, I get the feeling that he is a genuinely nice person, even if different in a way I can’t quite understand just yet.

-Isra

@anita

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! I always enjoy hearing from you when I make posts.

I thought I would post an update to the situation, since a few things have happened since I posted this.

We admitted that we liked each other in a rather funny way a few nights ago. It wasn’t anything sappy or that difficult, mostly us admitting that we’ve enjoyed talking to each other and there might be something there worth investigating. However, before we could both start getting too worked up over it, I added that before we decide anything we should probably discuss things in person. So, we’re meeting up on Tuesday.

I’m not sure if he thinks it’s a sure thing we’ll start dating soon or what, but I already know what I need to tell him. Even if we like each other, texting has constituted roughly 85% of our conversations. We have only talked in person twice. So while he has come across as charming, it would be a rash mistake to start anything when we’ve really barely spent time together face to face.

After that, though, I’m not sure what else to tell him. I know I don’t want to consider us a ‘thing’ right now since we don’t know each other that well, but there’s also the fact that I’ll have to bring up a few things to him at some point.

#1) While I can be a source of support for someone, I can’t be anyone’s therapist or sole source of joy. In the past I have become stuck in several emotionally damaging relationships, friendships or otherwise, and I refuse to get stuck there again. If he is having issues that he isn’t bothering to deal with or doesn’t want to, I’m sorry, but I might have to say no to dating.

#2) I don’t want either one of us to end up codependent on the other person. While he was at the beach the other day, he texted me he got bored three hours in and ‘wished he could talk to me instead.’ Not necessarily a warning sign, but enough for me to insist he should be able to spend time on his own, too. If he can’t be happy on his own, I’d doubt if he could be happy dating, either.

~

I guess in the end I’m trying to balance being understanding with taking care of myself. I understand that if he were the right guy for me anyway, he should respect both of those things. I’m just not sure how- or when- to bring them up. A part of me doesn’t think it’s necessary until later since I’ve already decided we need to get to know each other better as friends first, because maybe we’ll find we’re fine just being friends after the initial butterflies fade. I’m not sure.

I suppose a part of me wants to assure myself that any guy worth my time can either “step up, or step out,” because I’m still going to put myself first right now. I’m sympathetic to any sorrows he may have, and maybe it’s not as bad as he makes it out to be sometimes, but I’m still going to have a bit of a guard up until I know him better.

@anita @Mimi

Thank you both for your helpful replies. It guided my thinking in a better direction, and ultimately I think I look forward to spending a little more time with them before the year is over. We’ll have some last hurrahs at graduation parties, and after that, I get to move on to better things for my well-being.

Last night I also came to an epiphany that I was trying to build my confidence in myself for the wrong reasons- so that others would see me as confident. I was continuing to work from a place of self-doubt and need for acceptance instead of accepting myself. I believe my final challenge in this chapter of my life will be that of recognizing my innate value as a human being, and that no matter what mistakes I might make (anxiety over future events) or mistakes I have made (past events), none of them detracts from my value. And if people can’t see that, well, then they shouldn’t be in my life in the first place (criticism.)

I think I have found the root cause for my anxiety… and I haven’t felt this sense of knowing in years. Here’s hoping I can now build myself up and have generalized anxiety pack its bags and move out, because I no longer need it as a defense mechanism. There is no failure- there is only moving forward.

Thanks again for your replies and I wish you well!

@anita

My apologies for not responding to this sooner, I was going to but then forgot about it for a while! I would like to update you on the situation.

I have slowly healed over the past week. I went to talk to my school counselor when I was having a rough start to my Monday last week, and she essentially summed everything up like this: “You can’t let him guilt trip you. He’s going to be hurt. He’s going to have to get over it. So just be cordial and focus on what you need to. It’ll get easier.” She’d even told me stories of friends (and even herself) having to leave someone three weeks before marriage just because it didn’t feel quite right, and that second thoughts were normal and sometimes it took a reality check to confirm that you really don’t want to go back to a person.

Most importantly, my friends have been a huge help. They took me out three times on different days to just hang out for the evening, and just this past Friday I had a very long conversation in the car with my friend when I finally broke down. I was tired, we’d gone to somewhere that I had mixed feelings about the memories, and I shed a few tears. What she said surprised me.
She said that she always thought that our compatibility was kind of low, and that it seemed like he always tended to pull me away from friends and family. She said it was like he helped me find another part of a whole I had been missing- but while I finally became a whole person, he remained as half, and he was unwilling to even try and change. She basically said with the way he is, you can’t wait for someone to change who has no intention to.
When I told her some of the things he had said to me and said about others, she said it almost sounded like he was low key manipulative and slightly emotionally abusive. His actions never quite matched his words, his anger got the better of him often, he complained quite a bit and constantly said how I was essentially the only important thing to him. With the way he reacted to my honesty, I slowly lost trust in him, unable to feel like I could communicate with him- otherwise he would either overreact and blame himself completely or he would tell me I was overreacting, which was the final straw. My friend had even said that if anyone told her she was overreacting when trying to get problems sorted out, she would have wanted to slap them.

What surprised me most is that she’s friends with both of us- him even longer than she’s known me. And yet here she is, telling me that it wasn’t healthy for me, and that while maybe he may be ready for other relationships later in life, we just don’t quite mix together. It was a relief to hear and I was glad she sat with me for so long to let me get everything out. I thought about him little to none over the weekend and the fact he won’t talk to me doesn’t bother me much anymore either.

I’m just glad I’m finally starting to feel better about this whole thing. And now I have a chance to explore myself as a person and build my confidence without any roadblocks.