hi Anita! I remember you, thank you for you insight again. I definitely want to help him figure out how to deal with this – for himself as well as me. If you have any ideas, I am all ears to try them! He is kind, but he is a stubborn person, as well. (as we all can be) so I don’t want to push and it blow up in my face.

you guys are so great, and i cannot put into the words the gratitude i feel. i feel like i just sat down with someone who has known me for years and helped me over this hump i was ALMOST over.. but not quite. i have screen shot the responses, and whenever i feel a bit looney, i will refer to them. thank you thank you so much.

i have begun a different outlook today. i heeded anitas advice and approached him a bit more tenderly, and opened myself up – explaining i am afraid to love him because of the same reason he was afraid to love me when we were friends. i let him into everything i felt, and his response was astounding, and really reassured me that i was on the right path. another issue i failed to mention in my initial post is that he has been working in another state for the past three months, leaving me alone with all these thoughts and no opportunity for reminders that our confusing past is just that, in the past.

thank you all so much. i am so grateful i took the time to write here and i got the responses from the people i did. it might seem a bit dramatic saying so, but i credit y’all for saving my relationship.

Thanks Anita, I do find myself very skilled in communicating. He does take a lot of things personally (I honestly can’t blame him) but I do make it a point to say “I feel this way” rather than “it’s your fault I feel this way” (and the like) Everyone could use improvement, but I certainly don’t want to break him down to build myself up.

This entire thing is a learning experience, and it’s a challenge I’m not yet willing to give up on. The point you made about me feeling safe with the instability really struck me… I never looked at it that way before, but it makes complete sense. I need to dig deeper in myself to see why I am so worried about letting him in completely. And I think if I left him, and found another guy, I would probably do this with him in some way too. So the best thing here is to realize i have a good thing and figure out why i’m scared of loving him back without being on a rollercoaster. Thank youuuuuu!!

Thank you for all your responses!

Moongal – I hear ya. It’s hard work. Understanding and communication is definitely two of the keys in conquering the disappointment associated with expectations though. Overall, i do think that my expectations are fairly realistic, though I think I could work on the communicating factor a bit. I spoke with him last night and expressed a lot of the disappointments, and it was truly eye opening, as he had no idea. I think what you’re doing with your boyfriend sounds perfect, but my personal suggestion is to not put your life on hold for him either, no matter how much you want to see him.

Adam – I think you hit the nail on the head, and it’s exactly what I needed to hear. It’s just about getting to that point and slowing my mind down to fully embrace every moment rather than think of the could haves and should haves and what will bes. It’s definitely a task but hopefully it eventually becomes second nature.

Sam – that is an interesting concept, and I appreciate your response. I don’t know that I am looking for perfection, I’ve always found myself to love people’s imperfections. I like who my boyfriend is, and I feel as though this expectation thing is solely my own. I never intended my post to be solely directed towards my boyfriend, it was just what was bothering me at that very moment. I struggle with expecting many things outside of my relationship.

Thank you all 🙂

Hi Jasmine,

It’s a number of things, really. I do want to let go of things and I get in my own way- causing myself to fall deeper and deeper into my rut.

My boyfriend, whom I love very dearly, hurt me (unintentionally) numerous times in the past due to his own selfish behavior. He has explained that he never really cared for anyone but himself before, leading him to act selfishly and that he hoped I would give him the opportunity to prove he will change. He is emotionally reserved, to the point where he tells me he loves me but fights it because he doesn’t deserve my love. I reassure him, time and time again, but it does become disheartening. I believe fully that actions speak louder than words, and sometimes people have a hard time opening up. But as much as I try to remember not to take his own problems personally, I have days where I feel like I failed him- even though his friends for years have told me they’ve never seen him so happy and open. I don’t know what my expectation is, but I know how foolish expectations are. We’ve known each other for almost 4 years, and the hurt I referenced happened early on. But it’s true I resent him for these things, and I am silently waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. When I’ve tried to speak about the lies, he closes down, admittedly because he cannot stand how much he hurt me. Truth is, I know that I have to let this go in order to ever move forward happily, but I just can’t figure out how.

Additionally, I’m not where I want to be in my career, and just recently the company I worked for the past 6 years, and turned down job offers to stand by my boss, abruptly closed. My boss kindly found me a position with another venture, for which I am extremely grateful. But it comes with a hefty pay cut, causing my finances to suffer. With no notice (he took us for drinks and told us we were closing and I would be starting somewhere new the following Monday) it was difficult to accumulate a savings and cut corners where need be. I am getting by, but it hasn’t been easy. I intend to find a new job, one that will make me happier. But my boyfriend currently uses my car to/from work, as he works an hour away, which leaves it difficult to attend job interviews, or leave my position. I am helping him look for jobs closer to home, so I can’t really leave until he finds a new job. Because this is what works right now. but 80% of my unhappiness is spent dreading M-F 9-6.

Finally, this month, I surrendered my condo I purchased when I was 23, after being basically bullied by my HOA. This was a better decision, as the neighborhood was extremely dangerous (it wasn’t that way when I bought it) and I was upside down due to the housing market. It is what it is, and I am much happier in my new house with my boyfriend, in a safe and adorable neighborhood. But I can’t help but feel like a loser. Like I did something wrong, though I know I didn’t.

It really is a number of things, mostly my mindset though. Life happens and I know that. But I just need to figure out how to remember that daily, rather than dwell on the bad.

Thank you both for your kind words. and reading my story book.