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October 8, 2016 at 5:46 am #117541
ccnParticipantHi Chau,
The fact that it’s a same-sex situation is also exacerbated by the fact that Chinese (or in fact, without over-generalising, most Asian/oriental) culture, which is still rather conservative when it comes to talking about these things and accepting them. This was part of the reason she chose to give us up, in order for her to develop a more ‘socially acceptable’ relationship. I study university overseas, so it’s easier for me to withdraw myself emotionally and physically, because of the distance/time difference etc. Given that I couldn’t confide in my friends about the things that happened, I mostly keep my feelings to myself. I write them down on paper, type them out on my laptop or phone, and then sometimes discard them afterwards. I literally write down whatever is bothering me or occupying my mind, whatever pops up as I go along. For me it’s just important to get all my thoughts about this broken relationship out, so as to make space for other more important things, such as trying to do well in my degree, planning for further studies and getting fit. If you feel worried that your friends are getting weary of it, I recommend trying this method.
Having said that, though, sometimes I feel emptiness and tightness in my chest. I try my best to maintain a regular, healthy lifestyle, doing exercise daily, getting proper food and plenty of sleep. But still the heaviness slips in, at random times of the day. Mixed feelings are the most difficult to pin down – I don’t know whether I am still in love with her, or just the connection I had with her. I still feel somehow ‘territorial’/possessive about her, but I know I shouldn’t and have no reason to. But it’s affecting me to the point that I can’t concentrate on the things I try to do. I read in your reply to Anita that ‘may be i am just too used to missing/thinking of a person, now the place is empty and i need to fill that space.’ I think I understand this feeling. I read in various articles that you should try and replace this gap with new hobbies. But I find it difficult to fill a space with inanimate objects/interests when it was once occupied by someone you deeply loved. And I don’t want to randomly choose someone to fill up this space either, I prefer relationships that are nurtured over time and have solid basis.
Make the best out of what you can now, and build up a better self to be ready when someone/something new enters your life. Above all, I hope you regain peace and joy soon.
October 6, 2016 at 10:29 am #117363ccnParticipantHi Chau, (and everyone reading this!)
I have just read your previous threads, and genuinely feel sorry about what you have gone through but also touched by how you have coped with it. Well done for coming so far. I’ve previously posted on TinyBuddha too – and I was surprised to find that our stories are somewhat similar. It was a 5-year long same-sex relationship (although in my case the relationship is secretive and NOT acknowledged as a romantic one) that ended with the other person leaving me for someone else. It happened around 2.5 months ago and even now, I’m still weirdly obsessed with the thought of her being with someone else – although I am quite certain I am gradually letting go. Some days are ok but some days are worse. Since it was a secretive relationship I never had the chance to speak to any of my friends or family about it, and had been having counselling sessions. And this forum too has been my go-to place when I feel vulnerable and weak facing my own emotions. Do keep us posted – like Anita, I’d love to hear more from you. You are not alone in finding this past event still haunting you after a while. I myself try to go about my daily life as normally and productively as possible (I am a university student) but there’s a constant cloud of heaviness in my heart/head, and sometimes the thoughts keep me from concentrating on what I do. Do share more about how you feel if it helps you relieve your stress and unwanted feelings.
September 13, 2016 at 8:08 pm #115084ccnParticipantThe hardest part for me was to understand and accept that you have no control over what the other person wants/thinks. Understanding and accepting that you can’t play games with hearts. If the other person moves on, stop staying in the mindset of hoping he/she will return; stop seeking little signs that his/her new relationship would fail, and that he/she will come back to you. The breakup happened for a reason, and there is no point in trying to rectify the situation if the other person doesn’t want the same anymore.
Charlotte
September 12, 2016 at 8:52 pm #115046ccnParticipant@jim,
Thank you so much. I’ll accept that her and I do not have the same expectations anymore. While she wants me to stay with her and be taken care of by her, I know it may just be because she is projecting her own needs on me: she is quite needy emotionally, and may think that I have the same needs. In fact I know I get deep satisfaction from success in academics, in work and in my interactions with friends and family. Her love was something I cherished and grateful for, but not something I need in order to move on in life.
Thank you for giving me the advice from your own experience. I hope it will eventually be proved that ‘limiting/ending contact with this person is the only way you can heal and move forward. That will allow your heart to be open to a healthy love and not the part-time affections you are getting now. It is hard at first but worth it in the long run as I gratefully found out.’
Charlotte
September 12, 2016 at 8:47 pm #115044ccnParticipant@Faye
“Unfortunately it sounds like Y is not ready to fully commit to a gay relationship, and would like to experience being with a man before she can understand her own sexuality” yes she did say she wants to experience more in life, especially heterosexual romantic relationships. I don’t demand that she comes out or acknowledge me as her lover – I am quite cool about her going off to try new things now. It troubled me at the beginning, knowing that I can’t give her things she wants (recognition by her traditional family, babies, fairy-tale like marriage) but also knowing it’s not a ‘FAULT’ on my part for being a female. I initially felt it was unfair of her to have left me so that she can ‘officially’ and ‘properly’ date a guy, while still wanting me to be supportive and loving. But as I said, I have made progress in letting go and not care about it too much now.As of now, I want to pursue my academic and career goals. I’ll admit I still want to be with her, but somehow the desire is fading and I am excited about meeting someone new, someone who is more certain of what he/she wants and is complete on his/her own. I’ll remain hopeful and be ready to embrace a new, deep relationship. “Always remember, whatever happens, be safe in the knowledge that you will always be ok. This should give you the strength to act in a way that nurtures your own soul” – thank you. I hope I find peace soon and grow wiser as a result of this.
Charlotte
September 12, 2016 at 8:39 pm #115042ccnParticipantHer request for me to keep it secret troubled me greatly at the earlier stage when things unfolded. I told her about wanting to speak to a few close friends (happen to be our mutual friends, but she is not that close with them) about my pain and heartbreak, and that I won’t disclose her name. But she responded saying she doesn’t trust them to be non-judging and able to hold secrets like these, so she asked me whether I could speak to her directly, or find counselor. I respected her wish so I went to a counselor, but it was financially quite expensive for me, I am just a student and don’t want to ask my parents for money for something they don’t know about. This forum has helped me see things from third party and more objective perspectives. The thing with us is that neither of us acknowledged this as a lesbian, romantic relationship (we never called each other girlfriends) although I would say what we do and what I felt was pretty much a very loving relationship. This is why I hadn’t thought about this relationship in relation to the LGBT community. We always just said we love each other very very deeply, not romantically although we sometimes crave physical closeness.
But again, thanks for supporting me to trust my own feelings. You are right in that I knew something was not ok, which led me to want to share and seek help.
Charlotte
September 12, 2016 at 7:44 pm #115037September 12, 2016 at 7:24 pm #115035ccnParticipantHi Anita,
“She feels comfortable with the arrangement she is interested in.” Again, this is something I haven’t thought of before. For all the emotional needs she has from me even after she started dating this guy, I just went with the flow and responded as politely as I could; I couldn’t step back and see that she is only trying to make the whole situation comfortable for her. She often calls/texts me, looking for warmth and a listening ear even after she started dating the new guy. There was once when I responded very coldly, so she got upset and thought I was being unfair and mean to her, because I treat most of my friends with patience and love while I was deliberately being cold to her. I just felt I don’t have the responsibility to take care of her emotional needs anymore – if she wants the needs met, she could go to her new guy, or do it herself! But then sometimes I feel sorry and go back to being more caring. She then takes it for granted, and asks for more. This has to stop! Thank you Anita for pointing this out.
Charlotte
September 12, 2016 at 7:09 pm #115034ccnParticipantHi Inky,
Such powerful way to put things in perspective! Thank you so much for providing this alternative angle. As I said above in my reply to Gunter, I am starting to feel that the way she is asking me to stay with her and be supported by her emotionally (in fact, she asked me to wait until she graduates so that we can do a masters degree together) is simply because she doesn’t know other ways she could compensate my pain, and so that we can stay connected. Your comment that “she is not emotionally safe for you to be around” kind of woke me up. I never considered that she could be potentially emotionally damaging, because in the past we have always wanted to grow (emotionally, intellectually) together and be there for each other. I don’t know whether she realises what she is doing. She seems to think only from her perspective and wants me to accommodate her so she feels less guilty. Again, thank you so much for your comment!
Charlotte
September 12, 2016 at 7:01 pm #115033ccnParticipantHi Gunter,
She has always striven to give support and be a very warm and positive person, no matter in friendships or her family. That has been her ideal self for as long as I knew her. You pointed out that if she is genuinely caring and supportive, she should support my decision and accept that I am going to move on from her. It got me thinking: maybe she simply wants to make up for whatever she feels guilty of (leaving me for another person, asking me to keep it a secret AND stay by her side?) by asking me to be reliant on and trust her. I am generally quite rational and independent when it comes to big decisions like these; I am sure I will be able to cope with studying abroad and taking care of myself, something I have already been doing for some years. I have spoken to my friends and family about my future plans and goals and they have been so encouraging it touches my heart. So, maybe it’s just her guilt, or maybe she just genuinely thinks I need her by my side to feel supported and loved. Thank you for your comments again!Charlotte
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