Dear Anita,

I noticed a benefit of seeing squirrel life from below and above. That once you get a glimpse from above – you know you are capable of climbing there – and so hopefully (like this time) you can more quickly jump back up there.

Versus an unknown ambiguous goal of reaching above.

I thought about how the frenzied bobble head bird and the squirrel both spin the wheels but get nowhere. I also thought about how beyond the mother voice – on some days there’s distress and anger, some of which may be just one layer of repressed emotion. Just one – peeling away.

It can be ugly and strange the way it’s released. But who said the path isn’t windy?

I am working on today, thinking about differentiating truths and lies. I do believe this will further my work of releasing anger at My mother that is often redirected everywhere else.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.

Also I want to add that your post about— so what if I sent that email. Anita, no one has ever told me that in my entire life including my own self. I really needed to hear this. Thank you

Dear Anita,

yes. My visual of the balloons – darts going pop pop pop. Sounds like cleaning up that stupid social life doesn’t it?

will you elaborate more? What you think…

Dear Anita,

I’ll write more here due to the time difference. But please read my first post and reply to that before you read the following (If that’s ok)

So of course I do this. I don’t feel too terrible. I feel kinda silly and Petty but also at the same time – not sure. Probably best to do and say nothing like I already had. But perhaps the whirlwind of fourth of July around horrible people reminded me once again – screw these people who continue to take and take and take and take ROARRR.

So of course it backfired major. She didn’t reply to my email but quickly must have reached out to her ex BF (my husband’s friend but he’s quite flakey). He hasn’t texted my husband in months and so (I know this now not yesterday) he calls my husband yday around 8 pm out of nowhere. Missed call. Then a huge paragraph text along the lines of – oh I saw her email to D. You know we had a plan to take the two of you out to dinner as a present I hope you know that. Her email was kinda out of nowhere we were confused. Etc.

Pretty much saying – why the hell would Cali chica send that.

My husband doesn’t tell me any of this last night since we finally were able to relax after all the people left and get back to good conversation about self focus. I had not told him I had sent that email to D (thinking it was between her and I, no idea she would go tattle to her EX)

Anyway so of course ONCE AGAIN. I cause harm. Now my husband is stressed from getting this sort of message and he feels embarrassed. Why would I send such a petty email literally asking for money he says. It’s one thing to ask but another to actually send a request.

I agree. I say I didn’t think asking would do anything to a huge flake. He says – well we already know this about them. So let it be. Let it go. What did sending that do to you. Did it accomplish anything? Did it make you feel better? We already went through all this drama with those people coming over and that was my mistake – but this! Why do this?

He’s right. Anita I had a huge setback and I feel like wow – what is wrong with me!!!! I don’t war sympathy from you though. I am sharing like I always do. Just the truth as always

Dear Anita,

Excuse any typos I am doing a voice text here because I want to report back to you before I forgot the immediate results of my most recent and unique experiment in a long time.

I have told you many times about the lady at work, the lady physician who is very aggressive and rude, but has a side that is very charming and engaging. And that way she’s not unlike my mother, you could have 99% amazing fun happy experiences, but when push comes to show of and that 1% she will throw you under the busAnd find a way to manipulate you to make it think it’s your fault. These are the true dangerous people, the ones that are very good at hiding their evil. I now know her quite easily and I do not trust her.

Anyway, about a week ago we had a disagreement about how to approach a patient. This is fine it happens quite often, it is not new. Medicine requires a teamwork approach in these sort of scenarios.

She quickly went to passive aggressive behavior, bullying techniques, and used verbiage that was quite demeaning. It was as though the mother was speaking to her child and parading her coming from a sense of power. It was not like to professional speaking to one another.

Given this, I became very upset, I thought about speaking to the medical director about not working with her any further, but along the same time there were other things going on with my husband that you know about.  It was difficult for me to not take the stress of working with her home, but luckily she only works at the center one and a half days per week. As you know however it’s not only about the time that you spend with these type of people, the emotional trauma can carry over into the next day. It can carry over into the evening far after this person is gone. Especially given the history that I have and people like us, we can be emotionally sensitized to any kind of negative or abusive behavior.

After everything that happened with my husband, on Friday, it occurred to me that perhaps being able to work every single day, and often with people like her, and also be very good at healing may not actually work out. In fact it — Maybe to the detriment of my own personal life, and what is more important?

I let that thought pass as you know, I regain composure and was able to approach my personal life with focus, as you saw from Friday evening forward. And here we are today.

So today I knew I was going to work with her from about 1-4 pm (just finished). In the grand scheme of things it is only three hours, three hours in a week, no big deal.  But recently, because I put so much effort into doing as great of a job as I can, it is very difficult to be around any sort of negative energy like this, it is very difficult to brush it off, or let it go. I have judged myself tremendously for this, feeling angry at myself that I hold onto things, and useless people that really shouldn’t affect my personal life. I now I’m gentle with myself knowing that I am only human.

So of course I want to approach a patient around 1 PM, just like clockwork this patient had some things in their history missing, and vital piece of information that I should have known by now. If it was any other colleague of mine I would have sent them a text message or phone call and discussed with Them on the phone or in person. However I did not do this. I quickly gathered all the information I needed to on my own, I wanted to communicate with the mean lady. My colleague said why don’t you just wait for her to arrive you can discuss together. I said, yes that would be possible if this was a reasonable person, it is not. I’m going to approach this in the way that allows me the most peace.

By the time she arrived, which was of course late, I had all of the information I needed, and was happy to proceed with this patient.  When she arrived, I didn’t waste time with any niceties – I directly approached her with what was missing and the patient history and what I have found. She did not say thank you of course, she quickly made up excuses of why those things were missing, and made sure to “let me know that they were actually not very important.”

I did nothing Anita. I said nothing. I am there as a physician, I Am not there to engage with unreasonable people. And I want you to know, that for the next three hours when I worked with this woman, I was absolutely silent. Absolutely. I have never been silent for this long in a room with another physician and Tech a nurse etc. while doing procedures.  Never. In fact it’s quite awkward. But I didn’t let that discomfort affect me. She continued to make small talk and conversation with the other staff, and you could tell that she also wanted to engage with me. I had made up my mind. You don’t get to have fun easy small talk with me, and then also treat me like crap and disrespect me at the drop of a hat when it’s coming up to you know. I do not want to engage with you and I won’t.  I have never been able to accomplish so much silence in my life. I focused on the patient, I focused on what I would be writing to you after I was done with work. I had so much peace but also so much discomfort. I did not feel the need or urge to talk, I observed that if I was talking during that time it was just nervous energy to break the ice. Nonsense useless.

Now I’m not saying that being completely silent and not engaging with others is the cure to most problems. Of course not. But in this scenario this woman needs to know that she can’t just act however she wants – and the other party doesn’t want to play her games. That other party is me.

This was only something I learned exactly in that moment of discomfort. I could have went left, and continued my fun natural way of being easy-going, but of course quickly disrespected again the next time.

Or I could’ve went right and thought, this is not a friend, this is not a good person, this is not someone I trust. I am not going to waste my breath on her.

So I didn’t. I am powerful and in control of my own self. In the moments of most distress, I can stand strong and still.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Yes I see your point, you can only learn this exact important lesson, when in that exact situation.

that moment is everything, the awareness of what is happening, and ability to pause and change direction.

Dear Anita,

Understanding that a very different experience really is possible for us.

I believe, after what I experienced last week, and our conversations on Friday – and the resultant weekend.  That to understand and believe that a very different experience really is possible – is the way around the bend.  Cutting out contact with toxic people, making personal changes are all very important.  But for the next step to commence, to see around the bend and then move around the bend – we must understand and believe this.

 us…again on ground level, we can remember that we already experienced the above ground experience, the new pathways formed and trust that we can go there again, above ground, every time.

You pointed out a key point.  That new pathways DID form in order to go above ground.  Sure there will be a lot of re-activation of old pathways, and time back on ground level.  But new pathways exist, they will not go anywhere.  They cannot be undone.

Learning can not be undone.  Progress can not be entirely undone.

Taking a few steps forward and back is real and normal.  But true learning and progress is never lost.

you..build trust in the process so you keep at it, persevere and keep going.

Trust.  Trust will come from experiencing something new, enjoying the experience, and then know it exists in your repertoire.  Trust will allow us to look deep within ourselves and know that with the building of new pathways – we have all the tools.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I love the sight you are painting, especially love the mountains in the distance – oh how I love this scenic view you have.

I am now the squirrel above ground level.  And even if I go down to the ground to pick up something, like an acorn, thinking I need it – I can remind myself that the above ground exists.  Its not so far up, it is accessible – and it is a safe space.