Thank you Anita, I relate to what your saying though feel a little embarrassed about all my posting that you read! Haha. I like to post these things online ad no one knows who I am, but my questions are out in the open now, and I realise I’ve been bewildered for what seems like forever :/ ! Thank you so much for your response and your time and energy put into writing back to me, it really helps and your absolutely right about the having ‘a logical understand that ‘fixes’ everything. It really doesn’t.. It’s like if I could just understand this one thing all will be fine again.

I have been in physiotherapist but only get 10 free sessions a year where I live, so probably haven’t stayed long enough, ice been through a few different therapists a few of which I didn’t truly connect with, so you could be right there. My current therapist is having me do inner child work, which I feel helps, but still atm is at a logical understanding. I have tried to journal, look at my emotions etc as well as my thought processes but I feel I’m constantly analysing these things, so it keeps me in a cycle of isolation and self reflection just st as much as plain thinking of the past does.. I dissociate, it’s a struggle to connect and FEEL the moment, something called derealisation, my mind/body has begun dissociating due to all the stress caused by thought and overwhelming emotion. It has become better but I still feel I am living in a constant state of thought not really experiencing or living life, and over the last couple of years it has turned out that I’m now just constantly irritable, anxious, on the defensive and waiting until ‘that moment’ where I can begin to live again. Just had seemed hopeless! No matter what good comes into my life!

I do try to control each and every situation down to the conversations I have, and it does push people away you are so right I have noticed this, I push my partner away, and then I feel guilt and become the opposite, neediest person alive, he has called me crazy. I just want to break the cycle really, I’m tired!!!

Thank you so much again and thank you to those who relate and responded to me, xxx it is nice to now that these things happen and perhaps I’m not doomed forever. Though it does seem it has been forever already. Thank you again 🙂 xxxx

thanks so much for the replies 🙂 I have so many questions (matt) lol I should probably stop analysing things so much.. but I feel passionate about gaining insight and im just in awe of things all the time.. its weird! totally get what your saying, I have thought to mysaelf in circumstances and situations ‘if I was happy in my life and feeling good about myself would I be viewing this person/this situation this negatively and personally?” and the answer is usually no.. so I get when that when you are feeling low and sad/dark then that’s what you see, and when your feeling the opposite you see good things, and don’t take things so personally and negatively? something like that?

I am wondering though how you can surround yourself with like minded people when there aren’t any around, like what if someone has no “tribe” or similar people around that they can relate to and share with, what if you don’t know where you fit and you’re in an in-between period where you can’t relate to anyone (or so it seems)..

I like that view of the people in your life, that they are there to help you grow whether they are negative or positive influences, they are there to teach you the lessons your yet to learn (Its said all the time, but you gain a better understanding when your aware and in the situation I think or when you analyse it like I do! lol). There are just some people in my life that I am meeting that I am confused about, I am living with 3 flatmates, I don’t know if this sounds absolutely nuts or crazy (I look into things pretty deeply sometimes) but I see them all as reflectors of certain parts of me, one of them hides in his room all day and rarely socializes (me to a T and how I have been behaving the pst years and how I feel ALOT of the time still, unfortunately.. or fortunately who knows), the other who is needy & sort of negative but well meaning & very analytical and overly intrusive & kind of odd (the things I call myself when I am feeling judgmental about myself and insecure, I’m on guard analysing people and I call myself weird), and the other is kind friendly, warm and heart felt, independent and lovely (which is the part of me I love but miss) it’s strange but I feel like I see all of these things reflect from myself. is that weird? im just so curious about the whole thing. I probably analyse too much. I like what you say about the club metaphor aswell, as when the more negative flatmate would talk to me and would usually state his opinions about the type of person he thinks I am, I told myself after it happened that I don’t have to take those labels and let it define me, I can see it as his opinion, and walk away to continue being myself instead of being caught up in the judgments of others, that’s a kind of mindfulness technique yeah?

I love what you say alia, deciding who you allow to influence you and who not to, I love that and it is something I want to stay aware of and remember that I have that choice.. There are some totally negative people around I agree with that lol. Thanks so much for your advice 🙂 x

Thank you so much 🙂 I understand 🙂 I am always making sure I don’t ‘feel’ certain things and that I CANT ‘think’ certain thoughts but I can see how that could quickly turn into tensions and obsessive control issues which is what I have been dealing with. Your so right, it’s like letting it come and letting things come and go without judgment or fear? I hear a lot of this stuff when I do guided meditations actually, guess it takes some time to really understand & ‘click’ !

Thank you again!