fbpx
Menu

Alex

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #275009
    Alex
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I do not think I was seriously  considering divorce right now. I am not saying I am sure this will never happen at all, it’s just a focal point for me right now, with everything that is going on. Actually, here’s another thing that pops up in my head as passed on to me from my mom: she would give up relationships, her marriage, jobs – at first signs of difficulties or if she thought a person was not friendly enough to her. I am trying to detect and single out such emotional reactions to uneasy situations and people and to not give up and leave right away, but try all reasonable solutions first… But this is quite hard, given that I have seen a certain pattern so many times that my brain automatically uses it now!

    #274755
    Alex
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    To be honest, I am not considering a divorce right now; apart from not getting emotional support or understanding, or help with kids – I can’t say my marriage completely unbearable right now,  there is no physical or emotional violence etc.

    And as for the self-motivation, you are right: I do need to regain my control back, and a job that will motivate and support me…

     

    #274733
    Alex
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for always giving me an advice and an honest opinion on my very-confused questions!

    Yes, my responsibility to my children as their mother influences my decision making a lot! I’ve worked at a job I absolutely did not like but that was secure and close to daycare for the past 2 years, and maybe the burnout and the need to compromise is what contributes to my anxiety now.

    If, as you say, I place the job in isolation – I do want it, and I’m excited to learn about the IT area it is related to.

    And you have a good point about my parents interference – even though my father never skyped me to talk to or see his Grandkids in the past nearly 2 years, I’m 100% sure they won’t lose the opportunity to turn my husband against me in case of a separation (so might his own parents). On my end, I could only go for a divorce once I have enough of secure income to keep me afloat, so I can be employable under any circumstances. Which still points me to accepting this job offer to break this vicious circle of weakness and doubt…

    God, I’ve just realized every single topic I’ve started here is family related! Not work, not love-life, not friendship  –  but something completely out of my control!

    #119103
    Alex
    Participant

    Dear VJ,

    THank you for these helpful pieces of advice! I should try this!

    I realize my kids just don’t know better sometimes – they’re kids after all! But at the same time I feel physically and emptionally drained so much, I subconsciously feel like they’re attacking me – and depleting completely of all the energy I have. And I don’t know what to do with this, just get angry with myself and despise myself later…

    A separate thank you for the breathing technique! It is another thing I haven’t written about, but my breathing has also become heavy, as if I’m trying to breathe in more oxygen, but there’s not enough oxygen in the air for me. So, thank you!

    #119102
    Alex
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you!
    I think I did succeed in “building a wall” between me and my father and other relatives who offered only destructive criticism and remarks. At least I’m good here. Although all the last fights I’ve been through with them this summer must have contributed to my state of mind.

    I’m with you on the support groups- I’m looking for some online now. Plus, looking for some words of wisdom here , of course…

    As for the work – I’m actually extremely keen on starting as soon as possible. I feel anxious about not having an income of my own now, not having enough financial freedom, I feel angry with myself that at my age I am still not easily “employable” and had to change my work specialization and it took to long… I have that feeling of worry that should something happen – and I will be on my own, with kids, no one would be on my side. And maybe as I secure some income of my own – that would lift part of this anxiety off my shoulders.

    #119101
    Alex
    Participant

    Peter,

    Thank you! The comparison with a man with broken legs is quite precise, it’s how I often feel now (emotionally).
    As for the boundaries… I almost feel like I do need to set them, but do not know where or how to begin. It they were not my close family, but co-workers or distant family, or friends – that wouldn’t be so difficult, I presume…

    #105014
    Alex
    Participant

    Thank you Anita!
    I do understand this with my “logical” side of mind! 🙂 But then I start thinking I should be “strong” enough and get over all the things that hurt me – after all I’m old and experienced enough. And then it hurts again… and if it was all up to me, I would achieve the state of mind where I could still communicate with my father when needed and not just walk away from him, but also become absolutely emotionally resistant to whatever he does or says. Hence the topic…

    #105013
    Alex
    Participant

    Aiyana, thank you!
    I absolutely agree with you! I do set boundaries and can tell him I’m finishing our conversation and will only talk to him once he’s able to talk constructively when it gets really bad (him starting screaming and raising his voice or starting to say things that really indicate he’s not talking to me, but someone else “in his head”).
    The problem is – it works until next time or every other next time, and then we’re hitting this wall again. And now that I am old enough and am a mother myself I sometimes feel it might be a waste of my time and energy to try to “train” him to talk to me as a person on same level as him. I step back and convince myself I don’t need my parents’ presence in my life as much as I used to – but then he says something else that throws me completely off balance, and this whole thing starts over again…

    #104945
    Alex
    Participant

    Inky,
    thank you!
    Oh, if only I could compensate my father’s-social-role with any other “father” around! My mother’s long-term boyfriend following the divorce was not quite adequate, was a drinker and turned my mother into a drinker. My father-in-law… I keep having a feeling he’s actually competing with me for my husband’s attention! As ridiculous as it sounds, I can’t find a better explanation for his continuous manipulations, health complaints – and most of his health issues can not be confirmed by doctors, complaints on all unfair things happening to him, and all in all – the fact that they keep my husband on the phone for a long time every day.

    Every time I try to set boundaries with my father – he gets extremely defensive! He starts accusing me of being immature, for reacting in a too emotional way, not treating his comments as “words to live by” etc. It all boils down to “I’m older and smarter, shut your mouth and listen to me”. Not necessarily all in one sentence, but I had to end our conversation a few times saying I will call him back when he is ready for a more constructive talk.
    It all keeps on going to extremes…

    #104944
    Alex
    Participant

    Matty, you are 100% right!
    I do acknowledge I feel hurt and left out, but I am willing to change my attitude (hence posing here 🙂 ).
    I do feel guilty about already not communicating enough with my parents, but if in case with my mother I can’t even call her – she keeps changing phone numbers and would never contact me on her own, in case with my father – I would be the one reaching out to him, and every other time I end our conversation thinking “why did I even bother?!”.
    I keep feeling being a “good daughter” is a burden, it hurts me, it’s not something either of my parents appreciates anyway – right now it all boils down to me checking in and helping them with something they need occasionally.
    And yes- I do tell my father and his wife right away that this is not the way to talk to me, not the language to use – but they get defensive right away, call me stubborn, emotional or immature for not living by their advice. There’s a chance they mean well, but I’ve been living in another country for past 15 years and they usually comment and throw judgment at me while actually lacking experience in situations I’ve been through…
    Basically, I’m just trying to find the right balance between not abandoning my parents completely and not allowing them to do much damage to my peace of mind and productivity. And so far I’m not quite succeeding.

    #104943
    Alex
    Participant

    Sandstorm, thank you!!
    I do hope that in the long run I will be able to completely ignore all arrogance, judgement and criticizing of my way of life they send my way. The only thing I can’t cope with – is to set my mind in such a way that I either don’t feel guilty for “abandoning” my parents if cutting down on communication with them; or – continue to initiate communication but just for the sake of them not feeling abandoned by me.

    #104941
    Alex
    Participant

    Anita, thank you for your support!
    I do feel that indeed – the less I talk to my father the better I feel. At the same time, I feel I owe him for his support while I was growing up. I don’t want to be that kind of daughter who used his resources while growing up and now doesn’t want to have anything to do with him now that I do ok on my own.
    In an ideal world, I would love to have a friendship-type relationship with him, and I try to initiate it by the way I talk to him, or things I share – but it’s almost impossible to share anything with him without him being harsh and judgmental. Still trying to find the best balance… but yes, completely walking away from any communication with his does sound good right now!

    #103566
    Alex
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Thank you for your support!
    It’s great SAHM-ing works well for you,and 3 kids – wow! I did want to have 3 kids, but obviously, don’t think it’s going to happen anymore…
    I will definitely be lying to myself if I tried to persuade myself just being SAHM is what I would like to do. I have a couple of friend this works for, but I believe, I have a different type of personality, and then – I lack all the support they get from their families and husbands. And I do realize that it’s because I feel… on my own and tired most of the time that I can’t just “relax and enjoy it”.
    And another reason I can’t just relax and let everything go is because I was planning on really integrating children in the life I had, while building my new life around them slowly. And now I realize I failed badly at this, and I’m stuck in my life, and if I don’t continue trying to push myself out of this – I’ll end up badly.

    #103565
    Alex
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for your kind words! I do hope that I will become a person deserving full respect of my children.

    I do agree that motherhood is a very serious type of “job”, a neverending one, and it does consume a lot of resources. The problem is that I… can’t really say it’s the most important thing I will ever do. One of the most important things – for sure, but I can’t put it in the center of my life. For some reason, as soon as I start prioritizing one area of my life over others – all of the areas suffer.
    At the same time, I feel extremely vulnerable now: should, say, something happen and my husband and I break up – what would I do with two kids and a very mediocre earning ability? All this insecurity is getting to me 🙂

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)