Hi all again,

I feel rather immature (if at all honest) for posting here again, but I guess I’m seeking for some reassurance.

So as you know from earlier posts, a month-ish ago, this girl and myself ended the relationship. Although we begun like a house on fire and everything was amazing, it was later due to these feelings of extreme uncertainty. Feelings of being drained each time we are hanging out and really poor sleep and mood. This really weird abstract gut feeling that we weren’t clicking, weren’t meant to be.

On top of that, family and friends ALL suggested we didn’t seem right together, there was something. and further on top of that, we come from different religious backgrounds – although we are accepting and not going to ‘convert each other’ it is still a unresolved topic as in what if one day we have kids? Church every sunday? and etc. beliefs, etc. etc.

So we broke up, I felt and slept better following that but I was definitely sad and still a bit down.
Following that, there were random times she would get in touch with me, and sometimes tell me how sad she is doing, how she loved me and crying herself to sleep and eventually how she probably can’t do it anymore and needs to move on etc.

Everytime I receive these messages, it breaks my heart. I feel so sad for making her feel this way. I wish I could make it right and that maybe we should give it another go? But then I’m reminded that over the 5ish month period, we had actually already broken up and got back together several times, I remind myself of how I felt and because family and friends are so important to me, of their thoughts. Although they would support me in my choice, none of them felt we were right.

Am I a terrible person? I know that post break up, things mess with your mind, that you see everything in rose-tinted glasses. Whilst my gut still says hey, if you get back with her, it’ll probably just be the same and within a week or two you will feel the strain/burden and uncertainty and just end again. That you want her, but really just because you feel bad and want her to stop hurting? that you don’t want to be alone?

Thanks for reading, am I wrong?
Which voice should I be listening to?

Hi Anita,

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about what you have said etc. today.

When I stop and look ‘back’ and everything that has happened, it seems like nothing was ‘real’, everything has been generated by my own thoughts. It is like I tied by own knot in my head and then couldn’t untie it myself.

I freaked out because I obsessed my thoughts over something that never happened, but I kept questioning it. You were right about my expectations and accepting the untrue thoughts that you talked about in your first post.

I have been feeling like I am not allowed to rely on her, that I was feeling helplessly needy, needing her texts, phone calls. And so I was battling myself when in actual fact, when you fall for someone in the early stages, thats completely normal behaviour (within reason) I need to accept my thoughts and behaviour. It is like when I see a cake, and I feel hungry. Thats completely normal. But the problem started when I began to analyse and obsess over the thoughts and telling myself I’m not allowed to be hungry when I see the cake because then the cake has too much control over me, and I’ll rely on the cake. What if the cake disappears? Ironically, if I truely care about her, I can’t hold myself back because of the ‘what if it doesn’t work out’. Stop thinking ahead and live the present? There was NO problem to begin with!!!!!!

I need to retrain my own behaviour and thoughts and create new and positive brain neurons and connections as you talked about. But it is so very difficult when your mind reacts instinctively because that is all it has done for so long.

Anita – thank you so much for that reply. It actually brought tears to my eyes because I felt like it just really hit the spot.

I have been doing the panic dynamic, I feel like I have to correct my negative thoughts right at the time they arise, but of course like you mentioned, I have failed and only made things worse.

Anita, you are absolutely right. A week ago, I didn’t have these thoughts/anxiety and panic. I have obsessed over it way to much and rewired my brain literally overnight. I am scared of getting hurt, very scared. I have been overthinking over and over. I need to now somehow flip my brain and thoughts back to how it was. But it has been very difficult when that feeling surfaces and I sink into a fearful state.

It is funny thinking about how confident I was 1 week ago, and then somehow have crumbled and destructed by thoughts generated by myself in my own head. Are there some good steps that may help me return to how I was and rid of these habits?

Thank you