Hannah,

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of things that are weighing you down.

I am curious what practices are you doing in order to address them?

Job: your low estimation of your skills and abilities

Analyze: picking things apart, thinking..thinking..thinking

Eating: overeating bad food

Finances: being in debt

Romantic Relationships: being with the wrong person

Family: dad kicking you out. mum dying.

All those sound challenging to deal with. No wonder that you are not feeling at peace.

Are you doing things that nurture yourself spiritually, emotionally, physically?

Mark

N,

I agree with Anita.  It sounds like your current family environment is not conducive  for you to make healthy, positive decisions.  It looks like the internship is the best avenue for you to move forward.

One step at a time.  In the meantime, look to ways to support yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually.

There are a host of ways that you can explore.

Take care,
Mark

I admire that you are watching out for yourself Jen.

we sat down, talked, had ideas and it seemed like we both wanted to work on it. I am just afraid that this goes downhill and that in order for me to be safe,  I feel like I need to be prepared for anything. hence, I am trying to have very clear what I want for myself so that I don’t accommodate to what he wants.

It sounds like you have the wisdom from your experience of him on what he says can be different from how he actually acts.  I think that is common.  Most of us say things to accommodate, appease others by thinking that is the right thing to say but in reality we don’t behave according to the words we spout.

Most people live unconsciously so they don’t even realize that despite their best intentions and what they have said, they behave differently.  So when you said you will be talking to him when he returns from his trip in order to find out what he wants, be aware of that.

I encourage you to continue to determine on what you want and to cultivate your strength (integrity) in doing what is best for you.

Let us know how things go.
Mark

Hi Jen,

First of all, good for you for taking care of yourself.

Second, you asked that if you walk away from a romantic relationship that you two still can have some sort of relationship?

I see it takes both parties to figure out what sort of relationship that they want.

It seems with him, he wants a “loose” non-demanding, uncommitted relationship with benefits.

You want more of a traditional, committed, romantic boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

You two can negotiate the kind that works for both of you … or not.

The thing with “relationship” is that we each come to the table with a set of expectations on what that looks like and how the other should behave.

The work is to figure out and agree between the two people on having a mutually agreed on way of relating.

It is hard to determine whether or not keep apart is a better way of going until you actually try it.  However, it is good to be clear on what you want for yourself and whether or not you will be getting that by staying together.

Make sense?

Mark

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Mark.

Carrie,

I agree what Inky has said.  You alone cannot “save” the relationship.  He needs to have a relationship with himself and his daughter.  He needs to get emotionally healthy.

I assert that if you really love him then you have to let him go.  He has to take care of himself first.

Mark

Brenin,

The title of your posting is “Toxic Marriage – Need Advice”  You wrote that you feel very trapped and depressed when you are with your wife.   Plus you have given an extensive list on what things your wife has said and done that are negative, i.e. criticisms, emotional neglect.  All that says it all don’t you think?

Your phrase “Happy wife, happy life” rings false.  You have admitted that you are not happy and not living a happy life.

The way you describe your life with your wife sounds like you have given up your power to her.  You have conceded decisions concerning how to help/raise your son and probably a host of other things in order to keep the peace.

Is that a way you want to live?  What do you want?

You asked for support and the title of your posting is asking for advice.

It is clear that the marriage is not working for you and probably is not helping your children.  Advice?  Leave so you can have breathing room to be happy and to set an example what being happy looks like to your children.

Mark

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Mark.

Sarah, I believe that relationships are self-selecting, i.e. if it does not work out then there is a good reason for it.  It does suck when the other person does the breaking up though.

Each relationship and the breakup is a learning experience for me.  It not only tells a lot about the other person but it reveals my own reaction to it.  I notice which areas of pain gets touched on, what hot buttons were pushed, and why I chose such a person for their revealed and then-hidden characteristics and qualities.

Each time I get to be more mindful about those areas of myself that need to be healed, to be paid attention to.  Relationships give me opportunities to discern more, to pay attention more, to address how I can be more compassionate… with myself and with the other.

Take care,

Mark