Sheshe,
I think it is academic whether this guy is a player or an avoidant. It is his behavior that matters. You can understand why he behaves the way he does but ultimately it is how he behaves is how you decide on what to do with him. You have said he is trying hard though.

You need to look at your own behavior. There is a saying, “Expectations are pre-meditated resentments.” Your expectations such as how he would greet you and you looking for signs of neglect are self-defeating. Work on yourself on self soothing and communication.

You say you don’t know how to sooth. There are many ways like exercise, meditation, deep breathing, visualization. Get to that place of being emotionally resourceful and deal with your needs rather than putting it on him. Demands are a quick way of making people distance themselves from you.

Mark

Chloe Rose,

You did not say how long you have been married nor describe how you and your husband resolve issues.

It sounds like you two don’t really have a good way in communicating or discussing differences between each other.  Are you looking for that?

Check our Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication process as a way to have a non-blaming conversation.

Mark

K,

You asked about when I decided to quite my training for marathons and bike rides.  I just got tired of doing it.  I stopped enjoying the training and the physical toll it took on me.  I wanted time to do other things.

You also ask what are some of things that make me truly happy with that feeling of “Wow.”  I am still working to allow that in me.  I perceive or judge myself by having a damped down sense of excitement and joy.  My emotional range is not as wide as I would like.  I don’t get really angry or really happy.  When I feel pain, I now want to really feel it and sit with it to notice and be with it, to fully get into it.  I do so partly because I want to feel the opposite as well, i.e. to really feel happiness and joy for unless I feel deeply with either emotion then I cannot really feel well.

I pay attention when I cry.  I like when I cry for I believe that taps what is important and deep for me.  I cry when I talk about my children.  I pay attention when I laugh as well.

Insofar as activities that bring me that “Wow” feeling, I love dancing to live music with wild abandon with others who are enjoying themselves as well.  I know that whatever I do, it is the company I keep that makes the activity fun and enjoyable.  I can do something really great but without someone to share the experience with, it does not shine as bright for me.

Thanks for asking.  This is something that I have been working on for years and been very conscious about getting more of.

Mark

Kathryn

Control of your life is important to you, as with most of us.  You talk about making eye contact with people and how that can be awkward and uncomfortable.  Eye contact, especially sustain eye contact connotes intimacy which can be uncomfortable with most people.  It seems that you yearn for a close connection with people but it’s hard.  You have “lost” the only real intimate relationship in your life with being so physically distant from him.  It looks like you are a highly sensitive person who is very much in tune with not only your own emotions and energy but others around you as well.  This makes it hard to navigate life and being around people, yes?

There is a deeper aspect with your Family-of-Origin which I am sure anita will ask you about that influences what you are going through but I won’t ask or go into that.

Your stuck and tiredness and lack of motivation to exercise or have the fear of eating well tells me that being depressed  I believe it is important that we feel that we have *some* agency in our lives.  How I view this eating/exercising/body image thing is looking at where I want to put my energy and focus.  I use to run marathons and bicycle 100 mile rides.  I would structure my days around the training and the recovery of that.  I did that out of fear of not finishing.  I learned and got tired of having my whole life revolve around this.  I let go. Instead I worked on being OK with who I am and what I am.

Make sense?

Mark

Michelle,

How do you get past and live in the now?  Now that is an age old spiritual question.  To practice being in the present moment is a a life long practice.  To meditate and to be mindful are tools to do that.  It is a practice.  Catching yourself in the worry and then coming back to the present is a practice.  Go forth and meditate.  Go forth and find a spiritual practice that does mindfulness. Go find a community that supports that.

And are you an emotional masochist? My take on your story is that you are a courageous woman who is willing to put yourself out there to find someone to be with who can enrich your life, who can delight you, who can show you the emotional and sexual possibilities in your life.  That may be a temporary thing or more a long term thing but that’s the risk to explore and grow.  It’s all about finding your way to happiness.  There are no guarantees or formula for this.  True, it requires self-awareness and learning from your past experiences so work on that.

In the meantime, enjoy your life and relationship!

Mark

amy,

Always, always look at the behavior and not the words and especially the past history of the person.

Make your decision based on that.  Plus examine why you want to get back together with him?  Look into your own background why you are so willing to be second choice.

Mark

Sandy,

The tricky thing about friendships we have implied contracts and expectations of one another.  When the other person does not live up to what we expect them to do or be then we feel hurt, betrayed or disconnected from them.

It seems that you think that relationships should work like a bank.  If you make deposits then you can expect to get back what you put into it equally or even better, with interest.  It sounds like you expect people to put the same amount of care and effort back as you put towards them.  You want fairness and equality.  You did not get this from your friend or others.

Life and relationships are not balance sheets.  You want to be part of their lives and they are moving on.  You want to be a person who your friend shares her personal life with because you do that with her.

There is a saying, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.”  Best to work on letting go of your expectations for, as you are experiencing now, it causes pain and hurt.

I approach living my life as throwing coins into a fountain.  I don’t expect anything back from the love and caring that I give.  If I do then it will be an added bonus.

Mark

Jill,

You are trading off your interests, hobbies, social life, intellectual development, finances, peace-of-mind and overall growth by sacrificing all that for living together.  Is that what you want?

You say you don’t want to end things with Mike.   You are equating by not living together with not loving Mike.

You say you have this aching loneliness and not in love so I invite you to look at what you are giving up by staying with him.

Mark