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MarkParticipantWow RedDress.
How old are you?
If you feel that way, then makes me wonder how you manage to get out of bed each morning?
The good news is that you hate living your life this way.
I wonder how you are trying to change it, if anything.
Mark
MarkParticipantJennifer,
First of all I wish your mother and family ease and wellness during this difficult time.
I am a volunteer for the Death Cafe (www.deathcafe.com), which is an international group of volunteers who facilitate conversations around death. Almost everyone who talks about their loved ones death is their regret for wanting to do more. A particular guilt is not being there when they pass.
I like what Inky says. Did you have a conversation with your mother on what you wrote here? As a parent, I know that I wish for my children to live a full and wonderful life, that I would not be a burden to them, that I would rather have them fly than hold them down. That is the parent’s love.
As for being the offspring of two parents I saw die, both died without me there. I was there with them many times before they passed. I don’t feel guilty because they know how much I loved them and told them many times. I am not you.
I cannot tell you what you should do. If you do go and let go of your resentment and your mother dies when you were away, you may very well feel guilty. Having mixed emotions is common.
Have that conversation with your mother.
Take care,
Mark
MarkParticipantMarkParticipantWhen we discover ourselves, our purpose reveals itself naturally.
Hero’s journey:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-we-need-heroes/201406/what-is-your-purpose-in-life
MarkParticipantEscapeNeeded,
There are different ways to exercise. A simple walk around the block for about 1/2 hour or longer helps depression. Meditation needs to be consistent in order for it to work. Experiencing the benefits can be subtle or not recognizable at all. I would do it daily for however long and trust it is good for you.
I wonder if you have always felt this way or was it something that made you feel this way now?
Mark
MarkParticipantHi Steve,
Great that you are nurturing your right brain with paining. I am focusing on photography. I post a lot on Instagram and Facebook with my photos and some other photo specific websites.
I don’t think I can really retire because of my financial circumstances. I am so blessed to find an amazing romantic partner recently. This is after 6 years of being in a 4.5 yr relationship and after a 19 yr marriage 11 years ago. I did not think I would have been able to find such an ideal partner. Before that I had been working on myself with self love and creating a circle of close, authentic and loving friends. It takes a lot of work and time. It’s a continuous process.
Meetup is just another avenue to meet people. There is no magic formula or bullet.
I have focused on what I enjoy and look to meet people from that. I just look to try different things and experiences to stretch myself and to get out there. I work on not having expectations or attached to making things/relationships happen. I was open to women or male friendships but I must admit that it is harder for me to trust men. Ironic since I came from a family of two brothers whom I love but not close to.
The literature is not promising in making good/close friends at our age.
https://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html
Let us know how things go.
Mark
MarkParticipantSteve,
As a man who just turned 65 who has worked on making my life the best I can, I hope I can help you here.
Making changes in life gets harder when we get older in my humble opinion so give yourself some slack.
It takes longer to adjust. You have not said if you are retired or working full time or part time.
I ask you, What do you like to do? What did you do to have fun or nurture yourself before you made the change?
Good for you for making the attempt to help yourself thru Toastmasters (which I really like) and the courses.
Have you tried MeetUp?
Mark
MarkParticipantmaggie mac,
They say you can only change yourself. I believe that we can change the world (or at least people around us) when we change ourselves. We can influence, directly and indirectly by that.
Perhaps you can go to a counselor yourself?
Mark
MarkParticipantmaggie mac,
I like the way the Marshall Rosenberg Non-Violent Communication Process is for it does not go into blame, it is based on compassion and it is simple.
I view communication, understanding, compassion as critical components for a good and intimate relationship. If neither one of you can feel free to be authentic and compassionately honest then I see that as a barrier and something to be addressed.
I don’t see the solution as never doubting and questioning him again. The solution may be more of conveying what you want in a “better” way. I see making a request for more contact is not doubting or questioning him however.
I am all for accepting the partner as the way they are but I also know from experience that if they are not willing to be open, self aware and grow with you then it makes it all the more difficult to have a lasting and loving relationship. I found I cannot be around a partner where I feel I have to walk on eggshells.
It is like we just cannot talk about things that are a problem and we don’t talk about how he responds to problems that arise. A relationship where you cannot talk about problems is not really a close relationship in my opinion.
Have you tried / thought of couple’s counseling so that these things can be better resolved?
Mark
MarkParticipantLily,
I am sorry for your pain. Please elaborate on specifically what you are dealing with. Plus your life situation; i.e. age, past and current relationships, family situation, work situation, school situation, growing up history, any current triggers that brought you to post this.
Mark
July 14, 2018 at 10:36 am in reply to: He cheated on me and left me for her but claimed to have loved me #216667MarkParticipantClaudia,
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-carol-morgan/16-characteristics-of-real-love_b_6237802.html
This is an article what true love is all about. You ask how do you stop loving him? You can still “love” him but in a mature love.
You can start by loving, honoring and respecting yourself.
You can look at his actions and note that you would not do that to him or anyone else that you love.
Best,
Mark
MarkParticipantS,
It looks like my response did not post so I’m rewriting it.
Crucible comes from David Schnarch’s book, Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love & Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. This is when the relationship gets to the point when the couple’s differences/expectations/wounds/issues come to a head and the relationship either ends or grows, whether it burns up or the alchemy happens. The real personal growth happens when we are faced with issues that we need to heal from and accept within ourselves. The intimacy of the relationship forces that for us.
Congratulations for the hard work and awareness you have undertaken. I strive for authenticity myself and for that self-awareness. Continue to be gentle with yourself. I believe love is a verb and not that initial, illusional state of romanticizing the other.
Your personal power is knowing you can be happy on your own and not dependent on the whims of the other.
Mark
MarkParticipantIs it a one time thing? I don’t know.
So what has he said about being drunk again? What will keep him from doing it again?
What has he said about the next time when he is feeling bad about himself? What will he do to deal with that?
What has he said about the next time he gets mad at you or the next time you tell him something that he does not like? Will he retaliate again like that? What more productive practices will he commit to instead?
Unless those reasons are *addressed* so when the next time one of those things happen then I won’t trust him. What assurances can he give that it won’t happen again besides telling you that it won’t happen again? He needs to have tools to deal with those situations, i.e. being drunk, feeling bad about himself, being resentful to you, etc. Until he has non-destructive ways of dealing with life, then he may do it again.
Make sense?
Mark
MarkParticipantS,
Congratulations for your growth and compassion for yourself. I am impressed by your self awareness and authenticity. I too work on all of that for myself. Celebrate your breakthroughs. Yeah!
I was using David Snarch’s term, “crucible” from his Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. What I understand what that is, is when the relationships moves from “lovey dovey,” stars-in-your-eyes phase to a time when the relationship goes into crisis. This is when one or both of your are given an opportunity to grow, deal with your wounds and what was missed from your childhood. You/the relationship can either go up in flames or alchemy happens, i.e. the relationship will grow and flourish.
Be well on this journey called life and relationship.
Best,
MarkMarkParticipantS,
Loving someone should not override loving yourself. We find ourselves attracted to and attach to those people who have characteristics of those “unloved” parts of us that were not addressed growing up and visa versa. Usually that evolves into a “crucible” or conflict when each party needs to face that part to grow and heal. That is tipping point of the relationship. Your boyfriend is facing that now and cannot grow beyond that fear, that wound that needs to be healed from childhood.
You cannot force him to commit. Living together is not a full commitment in my opinion. Once each person moves into marriage then we absolutely need to come face-to-face (literally) with the issues that were created from our childhood.
Mark
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 