Yogalover,

If he cannot fully accept you despite his parents’ attitudes then you two are not compatible.

Love him from a distance and as a friend but he has told you, in so many words, that he will not be the strong partner that you need.  For me, I require my life long, romantic partner to be a true partner, i.e. someone that has my back, that advocates for me, that totally accepts me and is proud of me.  This is not him.

Mark

M,

4 day breakup is an extremely short time to be able to recover/process/grieve/get over a relationship.

I would let the man make the move once he is ready.  You can reach out later but right now it’s too soon.  Give it at least 9 months since his last relationship was 4 years.

In the meantime, live your life, date others, and let him go for now.

Mark

Gigi,

I encourage you to find emotional support and even therapy for yourself.

Yes, actionable tasks, e.g. lawyer, financial support (work, etc.), a community of support, etc.

Good luck,
Mark

Gigi,

I assume that he was a workaholic when you married him.  First and foremost, love yourself.  How you love yourself is how you can care for your son.  If you put yourself last then that is what you are teaching him … and your husband.

It is not whether you have patience with your husband, it is how you want your marriage to be.  It is not a one sided relationship.  If he does not hold up his end then it is not a relationship.  The sooner you realize that then the sooner you can create a life that is best for you and your son.

Make sense?

Mark

Classy,

It sounds like you have had a “growing experience.”  Sorry.  You seem like you are still in the shock stage.  I would ask not how long it will take to get past this but how best to heal and learn from this.

First and foremost, always love and take care of yourself.  Do you have ways of doing that?  Exercise?  Circle of friends?  Fun and meditative activities (such as walks, hikes, etc.)?  Journalling?

Then once you have gone through some grieving and healing, start examining the relationship.  What was your role in it?  What about you and your upbringing, your family-of-origin that contributed you to stay in such an abusive relationship?  You probably will need a therapist to assist you to see the blind spots that you cannot see for yourself and to walk you through your background and unconscious blocks around relationships.

Be gentle with yourself.  You are not to blame nor there is anything wrong with you.  It takes time.

Mark

jean115,

I see every relationship as a learning opportunity about myself, who I am and how I “do” relationship.

Examine why things have not worked, what was your part in this and what was his.  You already pointed out your insecurity and fears.  You have experienced his fears; his lack of communication and commitment.

You have experienced his actions/non-actions in wanting this relationship.  Wake up and smell the coffee and then proceed accordingly.

Mark

mamaof2kids,

You cannot control what he does.  Don’t worry about the lying since he gave it to you in the first place.

What you can do for yourself is to cut off contact with him.  Block him.

Try to move on.

Mark

Pedro,

First things first.  My guess you still need to support yourself financially. Keep at it.  I’m 65 and have a spotty work history and found a job. It took me a while but I maintained a positive attitude and support from friends and family.  Having an income gives you options, e.g. divorce, place to stay, etc.

Second, get healthy; emotionally and physically.  This is closely tied to getting a job.  If you are a Sad Sack then that comes across in your job search and interviews.  I know, easy to say.  The Buddhist practices written on this website can help you towards that, i.e. mindfulness, meditation.   Another part of emotional health is having a sangha, a circle of supportive friends/community.  I worked hard since my divorce to make and keep friends.

My take is that looking for another relationship while still married is not the best way of getting your life back on track.

The answer to your last question to anita “How can one find someone who sees that they have a good heart?” is to practice a compassionate and kind life.  Be good to yourself and to others around you.  Volunteer.  Live from your good heart.  Put your good heart into practice and action.  I find volunteering not only a great way of being involved in helping others, it helped me with my depression and loneliness.

I maintained a regular exercise routine as well.  Physical activity is tied to physical AND emotional health.  This could be a daily walk.  I recently discovered pickleball.  This was an easy sport to pick up and it is social.  I also did solo activities; walking, running, bicycling, gym and was never good with eye-hand coordination sports.  I find I can enjoy this sport.

Mark

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Mark.