TRS1971,

I am a loss to understand why you are holding onto this woman as a romantic interest.

I find it hard to have any kind of relationship if people (and I include myself) do not want to help themselves with issues that are preventing to live a healthy, happy life.

You on/off girlfriend has unaddressed anxiety and trust issues.  I had ADD/ADHD and cannot see how that would interfere in having a warm, committed, intimate, authentic and honest relationship.  I see the anxiety and trust issues as more of the issue.

You want to help her.  She does not want to help herself.

I see such situations as trying to have a relationship with an addict.  You cannot help them until they want to be helped.  You talk about working on HER issues.  I don’t read about she wanting to do that.

Mark

Katylee,

I am not sure what are you looking for here.  You asked if others experienced something similar.  Are you looking for empathy?  Or reasons why he left you?

He was cheating on his partner when you two got together.  He did not know how to commit with her.  He does not know how to commit with you.  He jumped from one relationship to another.  I would not stress about the “why” he ended it with you for it is his pattern it seems.

Mark

Chris, If you have to question or ask then you probably should move on.

Gigi,

I suggest you get some short term counseling to help you determine what you want.

You can get all sort of advice from many of us but ultimately it is up to you to determine what is important in your life and how to go about having that.

Mark

Laika,

So this guy is 30 yrs old and lives with his mother and depends on her for money?  Plus he does not have any inclination to look for work?  It has been 3 weeks and he still has not even done his CV?

Just from this aspect of him, I would run away fast.  This is a boy not a man.

Mark

Lauren,

I don’t see anything that you have shared here on what you get out this “friendship.”  Your words are all about being annoyed or worse by him.  You seem to be intimately involved in his personal life which sounds like co-dependence.

I know what I get from each friend that I have (single, married, coupled) and I don’t track or involved in any of their lives to that minute degree like you seem to do with him.

Don’t you have other people to have fun with? to talk with?  It seems like you have too much attachment to him to be at peace and actually enjoy a friendship with.

Mark

There is a Buddhist concept which tells us that everything is temporary and when we try to hold on then that is what causes us suffering.

I have had people in my life that I felt I had a deep connection with and then they ghosted me.  It caused me pain, disappointment, resentment and anger.  I realize those are all my interpretations which caused those feelings.

I try to take comfort that we are each are on our own journey and when we do intersect our lives then appreciate those moments for they are fleeting.  Each of us have our own baggage, wounds, values, beliefs which we carry with us.  This sometimes drives our journey.  I don’t expect others to completely understand mine and I don’t pretend to understand theirs.

Acceptance of what is (see Byron Katie’s work on this) is what helps brings acceptance.

Let go and move on.  Easy to say, hard to do.  Sit with your emotions whether grief or disappointment.  Act on taking steps to be happy and live your life.

Mark

DefinitelynotJessicaAlba,

This is what I gleaned from your first posting:
…he’s not nearly as present and involved as he used to be.
…he’ll cancel those without telling me and then say it was because I didn’t want to go.
…asked him to wake me up so I can cook for him and he won’t do it.
…always his family never mine and it’s always where he wants to go and what he wants to do.
…It was like pulling teeth to get him to let me see my grandmother and cousins and he made it completely clear he didn’t want to be there.
…accused me of being recalcitrant.
…walked away and left me there alone.
…boyfriend’s complete failure to stand up for me
…saying how silly it was to have a ceremony.
…basically makes fun of me every time I show him what I’m doing in the interim or how I plan to salvage this.
…refusing to sit down with me for the ten minutes I needed from him
…I feel buried alive.
….cannot give up any more of myself and he and his mother seem insistent that I do.
…I have died enough already.
…does not take criticism well.
…I have to be a person though.

My take what are “little” things make up a relationship.  They add up.  They pray on your self esteem, your joy, your happiness, your energy.

Your remarks are telling “I have died enough already.”  How you characterized your boyfriend is someone who really does not love you as you need to be loved.

I do not see consideration or respect from him to you.

If I’m going to marry this guy he needs to put me first 

From all what you said about his and his family, that ain’t gonna happen.  Good luck with that.  There is no motivation for him to change.

I am a firm believer in “what you see is what you get.”  You don’t marry someone with the hopes that they will change.  This will only get worse rather then better.

Mark