Hi jo.

Sorry that you feel trapped.  For us humans, it seems scarier to go into the unknown more than stay with the known even if the known is not health or abusive or just plain bad for us.

I don’t think there is any magic formula for overcoming our fears to leave the known (even if we do know on a conscious level that it IS bad for us) and leap into the unknown of being on your own.

I recommend journalling on your feelings and reflecting on this relationship.

Posting about this is the first step.  Read what you wrote here.  What would you say or think if a good friend wrote what you posted here?  The title says it all doesn’t it?

Mark

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Mark.

Tanya,

I see that our relationships; parents, siblings, teachers, friends and especially lovers are all Life’s opportunities to grow and to learn about ourselves.

I encourage you to journal about what you have learned and understand what is your role in those relationships.

Mark

Amelie,

Your first serious relationship?  What have you learned about yourself in this?  Have you learned to love yourself?  Have you learned to set boundaries with him?  Have you learned what you need and asking for it?

Read what you posted as if a close friend written it.  What would you tell her?

Mark

Airene,
You say you are already alone. You want to have your husband understand that you have changed. You want to be able to talk honestly about what each of you need from each other. You cannot even mention about him having garlic without hearing blame or calling you negative.

After 30 years, it should be obvious that he does not want to talk or listen. You doubt his capacity in knowing or wanting to know what makes a marriage that would work for both of you. You say that your husband is immature and detached.
This is your bed. Do you want to sleep in it or go find another bed?

Mark

Sona,

I suggest not seeing him for a while and have a social life with other people, in groups or individually (with other women).

Tell him that you need to step away for while and you will contact him when you are ready and not contact you.

Mark

Sona,

Going through the dissolution of a marriage and divorce can put us in an emotionally vulnerable and needy place.  As a guy, we like to connect with vulnerable women especially if we are “nice, gentle.”

I would recommend that you let go of any romantic or guy relationships and work on yourself, i.e. go have fun with groups, find out what you enjoy doing and do it , try new activities, get some counseling to figure out what was your part in the failed relationship and what areas you want to grow in.

Make sense?

Mark, who went through a divorce and is a nice and gentle guy.

Loleta,

There are strategies to separate yourself from him as you well know.

Block him on your phone and social media (or delete him).

Do not respond if he does reach you.  This can be a mindfulness exercise when he does reach out to you, you can pause, breath, and decide not to respond.

Focus on nurturing yourself, i.e., be active, be social with others, meditate, exercise.

Frankly I think it is a you are not valuing yourself enough to give him up.

I believe a good therapist does not tell you what you need to do but help you become healthy within yourself plus have tools to use to practice good mental health.

Mark

Alexandria,

I see this is all part of the process of getting to know each other.  There is a saying, “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.”

He may or may not about your wounds or hot buttons, or may not be aware enough that he is pushing on them, or may not be mindful enough on how it affects you for he is talking from his own experience.  We tend to be self centered like that and that is very human.

I see if I have a self aware, kind partner then we each will have the love and grace to allow the other to both be themselves and to give them the opportunity to “make mistakes.”

Does that make sense?

Check out the Non-Violent Communication process for it is based in compassion.  Plus it also is based on the premise that we each are responsible for our own feelings.  We are responsible in communicating what we want based on our unmet needs.  I believe for me to be compassionate is first to understand the other’s needs and feelings as well as knowing my own.  Then we each have a basis for clear understanding and communication.

Mark