Csaba,

You have gotten a lot of insights, wisdom and advice here.  What do you plan to do with it?

Mark

Nobody,

What are the “things that have been complicated?”

My observation and experience is that to know someone’s relationship background (including their family-of-origin upbringing) speaks volumes in understand how they are and how they “do” relationship.

I would look in askance in knowing someone who has such a history of such a string of relationships.  What is her story about that?  What is driving her to go from one to another and not be able to “settle down?”

Are you teenagers?  Early twenties?  Exploring relationships?

Mark

Dan,

So she slept with your brother before you two became a couple? Then she revealed that she and your brother became sexual without intercourse BEFORE you told her that you have feelings for her?

You wonder how you can forgive her? I’m confused. She was sexual with your brother twice and both times you were a couple. Nothing to forgive.

In my opinion, you have deeper issues especially how you deal with your anger and resentment. Shutting down, getting angry about trivial things or jealous about her sexual history,

Address that to start with if you want to be happy. In a lot of ways, this has nothing to do with her. You have personal issues like trust and anger issues among other things. You pointed to your estrangement with your family. Those are the starting places to address before even thinking of having a healthy and happy romantic relationship.

Mark

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Mark.

laelthia,

It seems to me that you are focusing on having a relationship for the “wrong” reasons, i.e. to please your mother and to “keep up” with your siblings who are already in a relationship/married.

You mention having all these expectations about your past partners which caused the dissolution of the relationship.

It seems you need to figure out what are your own values of your life, not the desperate chasing of having to have a romantic partner.

Have you considered therapy?

Mark

Good luck then.

Katie,

Good for you for trusting yourself.  Honoring your truth can be the hardest things there is.

What you shared about your breakup was not really clear for me but no matter.

It sounds like you gave it a lot of thought since you have been together for 5 years so I won’t question that decision.

I believe soul mates does not have to be romantic relationship mates.

I respect you for honoring your Truth and taking action on it.  If you really don’t think that this relationship is right then so be it.

For me that the purpose for ANY relationship is to learn about yourself, to know who you are, what you value and your Family-of-Origin to understand your unconscious predilections in order to discern why you are attracted  to such men at the tie you have done.

How old are you and him?

Mark

laelithia,

The way you presented the story of your life, it seems that you are not able to be alone with yourself, i.e. without a romantic partner.   My take is that you spend a year or so without dating anyone.

I would examine your life and what are the common elements with each man you have had a relationship with.  What worked and what did not?  What was your part in what did not work?  A therapist can help you determine what underlies the unconscious choices you have made.

You seemed to have a thriving profession which I assume that suits you and who you are.  That’s a good thing.  Do you have a good circle of friends?  Hobbies or interests?  Those are key elements that help you create an independent life, one that does not depend on a sole, romantic relationship.

You talked about having intrusive thoughts.  Meditation helps with that.  I find that practice as a good way of dealing with thoughts that are triggering.  Just being able to sit with them helps me.

What are your thoughts on what I said?

Mark

Manda,

It’s great that you have a therapist that tells it like it is.

Rather than trying to focus on the question on why does he deny his guilt, I suggest that you focus on the questions to ask yourself, i.e. Why do you think you chose a such a man in your life?  What can you do to heal yourself?

Wishing you well,
Mark