Forum Replies Created
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MarkParticipantNobody,
I take it that this is the same girl you posted about under your post of “I hate the girl I love” ?
MarkParticipantJohn,
Good for you for making the decision despite the pain you are feeling from it. Good for you for making the commitment with the therapy.
Good luck and please keep us posted.
Mark
MarkParticipantJohn,
That is the gist for therapy. Anita is great asking you probing questions in order to uncover the origins of your current pain and dysfunction.
Look at your family-of-origin. Examine how your primary caregivers “taught” (i.e. through how they raised you, how they lived their lives, etc.) you to hang onto such a person. Looks like you want to care for/rescue her. Look at the patterns of your life, the type of people you are attracted to.
Mark
MarkParticipantJohn,
You’ve asked for clarity. With all the great observations that reflect what you posted and the insights, are you clear now?
This woman has “chaos” around her. She lies, “words didn’t match actions throughout.” She does not have empathy and keeping you at arms distance.
What more do you need?
Mark
January 18, 2019 at 2:11 pm in reply to: My BF of 2.5 years divorce just came through and I feel totally irrelevant #275495MarkParticipantSmilefizz,
One of the rules of starting a relationship is not to date until each party is done with their previous relationship. The time to date is one year after the divorce is final/papers signed, not after separation. You are experiencing the fallout from not doing this. But that’s water under the bridge.
It would be interesting to know what were the reasons of distrust that caused the breakups before? This should give you a clue as well on why he is behaving the way he is.
It sounds like you two are living together? And that means your son and his children are living together as well?
Did he ever agree to marry you once the divorce is final?
Mark
January 18, 2019 at 10:15 am in reply to: Do I tell my boyfriend of 1yr that I know he slept with someone else? #275389MarkParticipantSCGB,
I believe in honest, direct communication. You can approach him by saying that you need honesty and trust, that you know that he lied at that time and worried that you won’t be able to trust him. That he slept with someone else at that time is not the issue. That he lied about it is.
Frankly I would not move in with someone else after one year especially with children. I would get married before I do that but that’s me. Do you expect to get married or would you be happy just living together without marriage? If you do eventually want to get married then I would not move in with him with your children.
Mark
MarkParticipantYikes Julie!
I believe if something with a friend or lover does not work out then it’s for the best. It seems that this was with your entire friend group. That sucks for sure. Such a big loss is like a death. You are in a grief process where betrayal, anger, depression and other such feelings come up with a loss.
You can move on, make other friends when you are up to it. One common receipt for getting out of one’s self, depression and loneliness is to volunteer and help others. We have Meetups here where we can do fun activities in a group.
Take care of yourself.
Mark
MarkParticipantMaria,
Wow, I can understand you are feeling alone. You almost lost your friend which highlights that possibility. I imagine that is very stressful with you checking her all the time. Do you live with her? That would be hard. Good that you have a therapist to help with you on that and life in general.
You mentioned some good stuff. What are those things? Do you keep a gratitude journal? That is always a good method to help shift things.
Mark
MarkParticipantmadxx,
Your bf is clear on his priorities. It’s good that he is direct and honest with you on that so you can make informed decisions of your own life.
You said: I feel like, if I don’t try and move in I will regret it, but I also sort of feel like if I move in I will be wasting my time and his. I want it to work out, but also, if it doesn’t, I want him to see that it didn’t rather than leaving it up to the unknown. Does that make sense? … I feel like instead of taking steps forward into adulthood, I’m taking 10 steps backward.
One of the most common things people say on their death bed is that “I wish I’d the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
You have very specific and clear life goals. You are young. You do not have children nor married.
This is your life, not his. Sometimes our partner’s life goes in a different direction or they changed. That’s life and people. You are at a decision point in your young life. Many times you can’t have it all, i.e. boyfriend and growing up, expanding yourself into the world.
You can discuss, canjole, whine, and threaten with you boyfriend till the cows come home. It is ultimately up to you to take charge of your life and take action.
Mark
January 17, 2019 at 5:51 pm in reply to: Am I friendzoned or is there a chance she might change her mind? #275261MarkParticipantRichard,
My relationship view is that if it does not work out then it is not meant to be. The corollary to that is if someone says that they are not interested in you then move on.
The time investment and the activities you two spent together is enough for her to know that she is not romantically interested in you.
Move on.
Mark
MarkParticipantJenna08,
I can understand the pain and feeling of betrayal. He is not in your life anymore (hopefully). Trying to figure out why he is what he is, is not very useful in order to move on.
The key thing for you is to take away any learnings about yourself about this experience. Each relationship brings up challenges which gives us opportunities to learn. Increasing our self awareness, our discernment of others, how we communicate, what our boundaries are, how we value ourselves are some of the ways that having relationships (friendships, romantic, family) push us to examine and grow.
Make sense?
Mark
MarkParticipantLost soul,
I ran across a Julia Roberts quote that seems relevant to what you last posted. “Women are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is NOT your job to fix him, change him, parent him, or raise him. You want a partner, not a project.”
People usually don’t change. When someone says they will “work on it” then fine. He can prove it by leaving and coming back after he changes not while in the relationship. “Working on it” sounds like the Yoda saying, “Do or do not. There is no try.”
I want stability and an assurance of future, to which he said he can’t. So I told him that we should end it, because we both want different things, to which he said let’s just move on.
Believe him and move on.
Mark
MarkParticipantLaurie,
Does it matter why he is doing it or what he is thinking? He is your past. The more energy you put into him and his actions the less you are able to leave him behind.
Mark
MarkParticipantBrianne,
I woke up this morning feeling like I totally screwed this up with him. I know deep down that’s not true. This relationship would never work out for the simple facts that he will not compromise, he’s too self involved, says things he knows I want to hear with no intention of following through, etc.
You are your own best therapist if you re-read what you wrote.
I assume that co-dependents need others for validation. Validate yourself by accepting what you observed.
Mark
MarkParticipantAnn,
It’s great that you feel safe enough here to post about your situation. I still don’t understand why you would want to invest in someone who has PTSD, anxiety, depression prone to suicide and recovering alcoholic much less being a convicted pedophile after only meeting him a couple of months ago.
I would stop and cut off all contact with this person and examine within yourself why would you want to?
Mark
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 