Reina,

Having memories with those you were close to is a good thing as part of re-creating that feeling of warmth, connection and joy.  Everything is temporary and the Buddhist Noble Truth is that clinging causes suffering.  If you are not holding onto the past then as I said, it’s a good thing to have such fond memories.

Mark

I am trying so hard to move on with my life but I think about him all day everyday, I ache, I have things that I want to share with him but can’t. I tell myself he needs to be with his children, I understand that and have never asked him to leave them for me. I don’t see how he can love his wife, he was unhappy prior to her finding out about us. I have so much going on with what happened to me in December and this involves my job, my life,  so it’s very difficult to focus on anything else.

I know now I have done this to myself, I feel like I am being punished because of what I have done. But I’m struggling to get by each day.

Mags,

I’m not sure what you are looking for here.  You are suffering because of a situation that you two created.  The wife and children are suffering as well.

You are struggling in dealing with the change.  Remember that everything is temporary so this too shall pass.  I find that tending to my needs helps.  Meditating on my pain helps, i.e. being with it helps me to get through it.

It does not serve you in moving on by guessing what his wife thinks and does or what he is doing.  Focus on you.  Focus on caring for yourself.  And perhaps when you feel more resourceful, figure out how you helped co-create this suffering.  This is taking responsibility and an understanding on how not to repeat the same mistake.

Make sense?

Mark

madxx,

Almost 3 years and as a 24 yr old man he is still sleeping with his mother?

I suggest he sees a grief counselor.  Not a healthy thing for him to do that.

The TV and heat are just excuses to placate you since he managed fine in his own room when his father was alive.

You can tell him how uncomfortable you feel and that you need inclusion as the woman he is exclusive with even if it is not sexual with his mother.

What will he think if you decide to sleep with your brother or male friend?

His mother needs to be able to move on and deal with her grief in another way.  Another candidate for grief counseling and/or a dog.

Mark

John,

As you have found out that you cannot really know someone until you spend in-person time with them.  When I was online dating, my preference is to first see if I can have a short phone conversation with the woman then set up a face-to-face.  If she does not want to do that until she “really gets to know me” then I move on.  That tells me that she is in too much fear and not really ready to date (me at least).  I did not have the patience to chat/text/email for to me, you are ready to date or not.  Dating is the in-person experience of getting to know each other.

Mark

Kenny,

When you talk about wanting to trust and in order to do that she has to answer your questions.  What sort of questions are you asking?

Is she not open on how she feels?  what she is doing or thinking?

Mark

John,
First and foremost you are the one responsible for your children’s well being as well as yours.
Your adult girlfriend is responsible for her children and herself.

If your girlfriend truly has a good heart and will do anything for you then she will understand you making life decisions based on the good of your kids.

I would examine yourself insofar as taking on the role as “caregiver” and how that plays a role in your current situation. Plus it sounded like you had a hard time letting go of your ex. Codependency? You might want to look into that as well.

Mark

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Mark.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201711/the-comparison-trap

Jack,

Your struggles sound somewhat similar I dealt with in my life.  Have you checked yourself for ADHD?

The not doing well in school, the forgetfulness and the general scatter mindedness sound like that ADHD may be the cause.

Take care,
Mark