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August 29, 2019 at 1:37 pm in reply to: Why did he feel the need to tell his cousin we had sex? #309671
MarkParticipantLisa,
In any relationship, it is essential to be able to communicate honestly, forthrightly, directly and kindly. If you want him not to answer the phone during sex then tell him. If you rather keep your private life private then tell him. You have a right to what you want. He may not think it is a big deal but the relationship is with you and it’s not all about him.
Mark
MarkParticipantLisa,
It seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. It looks like this FWB arrangement suits him. He likes the freedom of having sex with other women. I don’t know the motivation of his FB invitation. Regardless, it seems you are upset because, as ou said, you are in love with him and are afraid of telling him. My guess about the FB invitation is that he likes being sexual and perhaps he would like a threesome with you and another woman.
Nevertheless, the bigger question is if you want to hang your hat with this guy who is clearly unavailable for what you want in a relationship. This more about you and what you want for yourself rather than a FB invite and what he is thinking.
Mark
MarkParticipantMichael,
A miscarriage is a loss of a child. That is HUGE for a woman. Don’t make this all about you and your relationship with her. My understanding that there is deep grief when this happens. Bearing a child (was it yours?) brings to focus on how you look at life. She may feel that this is a wake up call to re-evaluate her life, the direction of her life, what she is doing with her life, who she wants to become and with who.
Leave her alone. Honor her desire to be without you for now. She knows you are there if she wants to reconnect. Who knows if she wants to continue with you or not? Best to move on with your own life.
You ask if you should hold onto hope. It’s probably best is not to focus on holding onto a hope to get back together (for that is selfish of you) but rather hoping that she will recover and find her way. Make it about her and her healing.
Mark
MarkParticipantLisa,
I am not sure what you are asking. You have known this guy on and off as a FWB. Do you want something more now?
If not then why are you asking this group about this FB invitation? I sense a deeper question.
Mark
MarkParticipantLinLin,
You might want to check out the Five Languages of Love. It helps the couple understand how each feels loved and how each has a preference in how they show/give love.
It sounds like your preference is feeling loved is by Words of Affirmation. How do you communicate love to him?
It sounds like for him, he does Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. Which is a LOT in my book.
I suggest you two have a discussion on each of you like to be loved. Take the Five Languages of Love test together.
Mark
MarkParticipantK,
I am sorry about this painful incident. What strikes me is that this is happened at a workplace. This is a HR issue. One thing if that remark was from someone you know socially outside of work but this is in a WORK place! I would either talk with that person directly and/or submit a complaint to HR.
I know that regardless how small/skinny/fit/etc. you are, if you don’t feel good about yourself then this shame will always be with you. I’ll let others chime in on how you can make peace with that.
I am more concerned about how that person is making work a hostile environment.
Mark
MarkParticipantValentina,
Please keep us up to date on what actions you have taken to make it better for you and your child.
Mark
August 24, 2019 at 8:59 pm in reply to: I should be able to not commit to anyone, how to do it? #309195MarkParticipantmiyoid,
I read a lot of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” in your posting. It sounds like you are conflicted with your behavior with how you actually want to be and feel. Have you thought about having a therapist to figure things out within yourself and how to change it?
I am unclear what is the problem for you here. It sounds like you are conflicted with your relationship situation between the FWB and this other guy. You are conflicted between this problem and the idea of being by yourself and focusing on yourself.
Mark
MarkParticipantAngel,
If there is any comfort to you, you are not alone in feeling/thinking that you need outside validation. Comparing us to others is part of our human nature as part of our evolutionary biology. And that does not serve us well nowadays.
It sounds that your upbringing did not prepare you to be a confident adult who loves herself. I am sure you can look back and see how you were not validated, celebrated and supported. Such experiences create our belief systems.
Now it is time to start changing that story, those beliefs. That is a life long challenge. Have you considered therapy?
I recommend start writing down all the good things about yourself. Ask those you trust the same thing, what are good qualities of who Angel is.
Focus on what gets your juices flowing, what things bring a smile to your face. Start from those points and build upon that. That is the key to growth and happiness.
What do you think?
Mark
August 20, 2019 at 8:22 am in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #308723MarkParticipantJohn, it comes down to attitude. It’s whether you can or cannot. It’s whether your girlfriend can or cannot. There’s a couple of people here have pointed out options. There are probably more options but both of you have decided to not to look at them or seek out in finding what they are. You decided to stay stuck. You decided there’s no other way but this way. There are always excuses to stay stuck rather then bite the bullet and make a change.
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This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by
Mark.
MarkParticipantValentina,
It is tempting and easier to jump from an abusive relationship to someone else who seems kinder and “better.” I would advise to leave your love life with men and focus on your love life with yourself. I think you would be more stability by letting go of your relationships, your current one and the emotional one.
When I read how you could not swallow anything after your abuser choked you, that really highlighted how you need to break it off with him. Your emotional affair guy seems like a safe harbor and a comfort but my take is that you need space between men/relationships. You have not totally left the other guy and you need that time to learn to be on your own emotional two feet.
Make sense?
MarkMarkParticipantbunnymac,
I understand your frustration of not feeling you have made progress in yourself. I can only offer encouragement. I have felt similarly in the past with myself. Be lovingly patient with yourself. Have faith that you are getting healthier. It’s a lifelong process. Journal out your pain, your frustrations, your revised future life of optimism. I am sure when you look back on it, you will see how far you have come. When you are the midst of your pain and sorrow, it is hard to acknowledge you are doing better. Usually we wish faster and more dramatic progress but that is where patience, hope and faith comes in. This is where persistence comes in. This is where self love comes in.
Mark
MarkParticipantValentina,
This is a grown man who is responsible for himself. If he does not take responsibility for his actions, I doubt he will listen to you about his bipolar/violent behavior.
Good for you for taking steps to protect yourself and your child. Change the locks. This is your house correct?
Mark
MarkParticipantPaperdoll,
I believe a lot of marriages get stale and being roommates is common for a lot of couples. Before considering leaving your marriage, I wonder if you have any hobbies? friends? Are you working?I learned from my Compassionate Couples Communication class that we all have needs such as companionship and physical closeness. Ideally we would get that from our mate but not always. We do not have to depend on our spouse for meeting all our needs. Perhaps you can have that emotional closeness from others? The physical affection need is trickier to get met from someone else.
Mark
MarkParticipantbunnymac,
Are you back in therapy? It sounds like you need to reset for you are in the midst of being depressed. Yes, take one day at a time.
You are projecting out to a future that you constructed to be the worse case scenario. I recommend writing down an alternative future for yourself. Have a better one for your mind to stray to. You can even share that with us if you wish.
Mark
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This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by
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