Ramsey,

I sense that you are an angry and sad young man.

I’m not sure why you are here except to vent, which is OK.  It does not seem that you are looking for advice or answers.

I thought I’d throw this out for you to either consider or disregard. The Peace Corps.  It gives people an opportunity to do something good for others (i.e. get out of our own misery and circumstances) and to experience different cultures and geographies.  Or if you stay in the U.S. there is Americorps.

I wish you well on your journey.

Mark

Hella,

It seems there are several things going on with you: 1) your sense of betrayal and anger towards your ex, 2) the common social group that embraces him which reminds you of your anger because they don’t know the “real” him and that his gf is part of this same group.

It sounds really hard to move on since he and his girlfriend is ever present in your common social group. I can understand the anger since he not only broke up with you for a girl that he never really seemed to have left, he took away your social group as well.  Plus you are angry because he never took responsibility for his part that contributed to your pain.

Did I get that right?

Mark

SpiritualScorpio,

His misogynist behavior and attitude is part of him.  This is his issue for therapy not for you as a couple.  As the saying goes, it’s not your rock to carry.

He was 16 and you, 19 when you two got together which was very young to start and continue on a relationship.  Those ages are time for exploration, discovery and maturation.  We try out new things, new experiences, new relationships to learn and grow.  I believe that both of you sell yourselves short if you don’t do that with others.

Your issue is how much do you value yourself and willing to accept this behavior.  He’s not going to change and it’s not your job to change him.  He has to do it himself, for himself.  You have to decide if you want to tolerate such person to be your disrespectful boyfriend.

Mark

Kaylon,

It sounds like your father is very controlling, use to get his own way, and has this undercurrent of anger and judgment.

Good for your boyfriend for not answering your father about his financial situation for it is none of his business.  He was setting good boundaries.

Good that you are in therapy.  Walking away is another way of setting boundaries.  I would recommend you giving clear, direct and honest responses to either parent if they ask why you are not being a “sweet daughter.”

Good recognition that your boyfriend has nothing to do with how your parents behave, it is about them.  It could have been about your dog or job or a friend or the flavor of ice cream that you like.

This is the time in your life to individuate yourself and explore/discover who you are without the tethers of your parents.

Good luck,
Mark

MG,

Can someone help me decide what I should do and how I should deal with this situation.

We all have weighed in.  You asked, we responded.  If it was an easy decision, you would not be asking here.

It sounds like this guy is holding you emotionally hostage, i.e.  YOU are responsible for my emotional well being.  His “condition” is by his own doing.

Plus you are complicit in this as well.  You are still referring to this married guy as your bf.

Good luck with this married, angry, difficult, manipulative man.

Mark

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Mark.

norit,

It is quite understandable to be attached to people you meet online if you are shy/introverted/highly sensitive/fearful/low self esteem.  I encourage you to find people in real life to connect with.  There are MeetUp groups and online communities that are local to the town/geography.  There are volunteer opportunities abound.

I have friends who are very sensitive or fearful who still manage to connect with some people (like myself).  Some are artists who focus their energies to art.  Some read a lot (book club maybe?).  Those are introverted activities.  You may want to find help if your social phobia is that crippling.  Do you work?  Talk with people there?

I can relate about the challenges to make conversation.  I find that if I am curious then asking people about themselves gets the ball rolling.  People always like to talk about themselves.  If they are good listeners as well then they would like to hear from you as well.

I suggest you don’t hang you hat onto this one online guy.  You can waste a lot of time and grief tracking his actions.

Mark

Preston10,

Time and time again we (I include myself in this) think we have co-created an emotionally intimate relationship with strangers on the internet because each of us feel safe to spill our guts to each other.  It is easy to show that one side of ourselves online.

In person, in different situations, in different circumstances, in different environments we behave differently.  Therefore I take my online friends with a grain of salt for we are more than what we put online.

You have experienced more of your online friend, i.e. his abusive side.  Good that you know this about him now and without needing to meet him in person to find this out.

Take care of yourself and move on.

Mark

KC,

You are asking for help.  Help in moving on?

It sounds like the best considering that 1) he is married, 2) that he wants to go separate ways and 3) that it is a long distance relationship.

Transitions like that are hard.  There really is no way to ameliorate the pain.  The best way is to make a clean break (no contact) and don’t look back.

Find comfort with friends. Continue to take care of yourself with exercise, meditation, and other self care tools.

Mark

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Mark.