crawford,

I am an introvert.  I will suggest two things that has helped me in conversations.

1) Be curious.  Be present.  Be a good listener.  People like to be asked and talk about themselves.  Ask questions about people’s lives, their work, their hobbies, their passions, their activities, etc.  Make and keep eye contact and be present for them.  This helps being focused on the other person and in the present moment.

2) Take an improv class.  They teach you about being spontaneous, in the moment, and having fun.  I loved it.  This gets you out of your head.

Mark

BB,

Frequently us humans are irrational so using rationality, i.e. reasons, facts, and so forth will not work in changing someone else’s mind or behavior.

You wife has fears and hopefully therapy will uncover and address them.

Her controlling behavior may shed some light on what contributes to her fear of having children, i.e. being out-of-control.  Control means safety.

Her extreme reaction of the fear of being abandoned is another pointer of where her fears lie.  I believe you mentioned how her mother left her with babysitters which may be the source of that fear.

Having children may mean that she no longer can control her world since children really turns it upside down. As the surprise baby of the family, she was left in a world that she had even less control over since her mother was not there to be with her. Having children may mean that she will be “abandoned” and the children will take her place, as she told you.

Mark

ALittleLost,

You can’t tell what your priority should be?

How are you living and providing for yourself now?

Start with Maslow’s hierarchy and get your basic needs met first, i.e. food, shelter, transportation, etc.
Then find a means of income that will sustain you before you start on your self actualization effort of friends, dating, fulfilling work.

Do you have a support network? Family? Friends? some sort of spiritual community?

Mark

Reggi,

When you are dealing with your sleep or eating issues or chest pain, try deep breathing.  Feel into where it is in your body and breath into that place.  Don’t try to push your emotions away but sit with it and breath deep into it.  Continue doing so.

I find sitting with uncomfortable feelings is extremely hard.  I do know it helps tremendously especially when I consciously breath deeply.

Mark

Reggi,

What are you afraid of?  That he will get back with her?  That she is “better” than you?  That he thinks of her rather than you?

Have you had anxiety issues beyond this ex, i.e. have you been anxious about other things?  Are you generally an anxious person?  Are you normally insecure in other situations like with work?  etc.?

Have you talked to him about what qualities that you have that makes you desired, wanted, and a good partner?

Mark

Lilly,

I like the Byron Katie quote, “If you argue with reality, you lose.”  The reality is that your friends don’t check up on you.  That your parents don’t SEE you.  The more you accept that this is the case, then you will not get all depressed about it.

From an online article on Buddhism:
Buddhism claims “Everything in life is temporary, arising and falling away.” Buddhism proposes a model of reality as a stream of events rather than a thing.
Buddhism further claims “Clinging to temporary states causes suffering”. The problem is our tendency to cling to the past being different from the present, or cling to a view of the future that’s different than what we desire.
Buddhism proposes a solution of acceptance: Come to terms with the past being gone, and the future being different from what you might desire. Accept it fully and eradicate suffering.
From the standpoint of the present moment, you can absolutely activate your consciousness and your willpower to wisely respond to the current moment in a way that moves you towards a realistic and positive future.
The great thing is that your friends and family care about you.  They may not show it in the way that you like.

Feels like no one really takes the time to give a crap about me.  It seems that your Love Language is Quality Time.  I suggest two things: 1) Continue to reach out to those who care about you and spend time with them, 2) Find those who also have Quality Time as part of their Love Language.  Just because people don’t show their caring in the same Love Language as you, does not mean they don’t care about you.

Ideally, it would be great if our family “gets” us but alas it cannot always be the case.  I would avoid those who bring negative energy into your life like your grandmother, at least until you are feeling more resourced for yourself.

Mark

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Mark.

Suzanne,

I’m with anita on this one except I would not even give him the choice.  I would just break up and move on.

He is sharing a lot of private and intimate details with you about him and his ex.  That is not honoring her and her privacy. That is disrespectful.

I also he is doing that (probably unconsciously) to lure you in to make the decision for him.

Honor yourself in this and do not get sucked in with his ambiguity.

Mark