Jesus,
It seems in order to have any close relationship we all must know how and what we feel. I recommend you start from there. How old are you?
Are you able to have close friends? Are you working in a job that requires you to be in tune how clients/customers/co-workers feel?
Have you ever had a long term, healthy romantic relationship or close friendship?

Mark

sparkle00,

It is time you address this issue of low self confidence/self respect/self esteem.

How are you trying to fix it?  It takes more than not reacting.  This is an inside-out job where you really need to go inside to deal with this low self regard.  Your panic attacks are not physically healthy either.

If/when anita weighs in, she will discern your family-of-origin reasons why you don’t have much regard for yourself.  We can determine what it is but you really need to do the work to heal that part of you that is interfering with your life.

Mark

sparkle00,

How old are you?  How long have you been in this relationship?  Have you been insecure in other relationships?

The way you present this, it sounds this is solely your personal issue that needs to be addressed.  Look into therapy for yourself.

Mark

Ariana,

I find in order to stay friends if you are in an entangled/co-dependent relationship is just to break it off completely with no contact for at least 6 months.  Once you are both emotionally back on your feet and able to create a life outside your ex then you can consider being friends.  But for the life of me, I don’t know what that means.

Does it mean you talk with each other and share the same way you did when you were together?  As frequently?  As deeply?  Does it mean you two hang out together?  It’ll be good to know what “being friends” means for I bet it isn’t like the way you are with your current friends.

Mark

Princess258,

All you need to know is that this guy is dumping you.

I hope you are not insecure because of this guy being a philandering dickwad.  Time to move on.  He has not grown up in the 12 years you have been with him.  Hopefully you have.  Time to grow up and be with those who share the same values and live a lifestyle that is in alignment with yours.

Mark

Elizabeth,

Whatever the reason why your husband is acting the way he is (mid-life crisis, girlfriend as his drug, etc.), it is up to you to move on with your life rather focusing your energy on him, his life, his past, his job, etc.

He may find himself or then he may not.  I suspect the more you make a life for yourself without him, then that will push him to examine himself more.

I also suspect once you start divorce proceedings that will also shake him out of his mid-life crisis fantasy life style  I don’t see divorcing him as “giving up” but holding him accountable for his behavior, that all of what he has done has consequences.

Make sense?

Mark

Kat,

I thought you did have romantic aspirations since you mentioned how you felt jealous and sad when another woman flirts with him.  Plus you mentioned having a pang because you cannot hold his hand or kiss him  All of that indicates to me that you still yearn to be his romantic partner.

If you can get over that and the resentment then go ahead be friends.  Make sure that you and him know what that means for each of you, i.e. what are each of your boundaries.  Do you want to be this day-by-day, share everything type of friend?  Or a call-me-up-once-in-a-while to catch up type of friend.  Do you want to share each other’s new romantic interest?  Or not?  Good to set up the ground rules on what “being a friend” means to each of you.

Mark

Reggi,

I want to share my experience.  My last girlfriend had her husband cheat on her after 20 plus years of marriage.  She did not find out about the infidelity until after he died when she was going through his desk.  I told her upfront that I have women friends and I still plan to be friends with them despite her misgivings.  Ironically after we broke up, she has them as friends too.

This is not quite the same situation for these women were not my romantic exes.  However, they were part of my life before my girlfriend and they continue to be after my ex and I broke up.

Mark