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MarkParticipantBonni_mor,
I wonder how do you really know if he has terminated communications with his ex.
Verbal reassurance from someone who lies are just more words, like lies. It is behavior that proves change. Long term behavior.
As I said before, if he claims to be selfish and lustful as reasons for his behavior then what else in his character and behavior does that manifest EVEN if he does stop with his ex?
Mark
MarkParticipantConnie,
I don’t understand why you want to continue to keep in contact with him. Where do you think this going if you do?
MarkMarkParticipantlostcloud,
Stop right THERE! And yet you did become involved and continued to be involved despite that and all the subsequent behaviors.
This makes me wonder about your background. Did you grow up with a father that regularly cheats? Did you feel insecure as a child who did not get the nurturing and attention from your father? Did you have previous failed relationships?
You used the word “investment.” I would reframe that time you wasted with this guy. The only investment you made is in your education of (hopefully) learning about yourself and how you do relationships.
If you need reassurance that you are better off without this person, I suggest you re-read your post.
I see that almost each of us revisit our childhood relationships in order to learn that we need heal from it. I grew up with an angry mother. I keep unconsciously attract angry women (go figure). I know this keeps giving me the opportunity to 1) be aware of my pattern, 2) be more conscious of the women I date, i.e. learn more of their background, 3) deal with their anger “better” so I can learn to set boundaries, be more compassionate and not let that bother me so much.
Mark
MarkParticipantBonni_mor,
Don’t move in with him.
Do get a clear understanding from him on why he wants to change his behavior. He told you he was being selfish and lustful Those are qualities not behaviors. Where else is he selfish? Is he being lustful with you? Is he being lustful with porn?
It does not seem like he and his ex are done. Does he still talk/text/communicate with his ex? Do they see each other? What will happen if she reaches out to him? Will he respond? Has he blocked her?
What are (good) reasons on why he should be trusted? Does he give you those reasons? Will he give you access to his phone on demand?
Get those answers from him before going further.
Mark
February 24, 2019 at 2:42 am in reply to: A disgusting joke about my boobs that my FRIEND laughed at??? #281503MarkParticipantJoe,
Coming from a dude, my take is you have no right or no real perspective on whether or not she “overreacted.”
Everyone’s feelings are valid especially if she was sexually assaulted.
Her male “friend” who did not stand up to her sexual harassment and assault is cowardly. Plus he did not empathize. He even laughed and showed blatant disregard of her trauma.
Her “overreaction” was very much appropriate.
Mark
MarkParticipantmalachy,
It must be very painful to be a lover a man,whose mother of a child you shared with.
I think that is brilliant that you are writing a 3 series book about your experiences. From what I read and heard, this is the best therapy.
Keep it up and let us know how that is progressing.
Hugs,
MarkFebruary 21, 2019 at 3:33 pm in reply to: A disgusting joke about my boobs that my FRIEND laughed at??? #281275MarkParticipantSerife,
I am sorry about your harassment especially when it comes from “friends.” Unfortunately that you are feeling worthless based on the disrespect and misogamy of those around you. Saying such degrading things and hide behind “it’s just a joke” is cowardly.
You don’t say how old are you but that’s irrelevant for this happens in every culture at every age unfortunately.
#MeToo
Go find the resources that can assist you in this.
It’s all about standing up for yourself and setting boundaries. Easy to say. Hard to do. Good that you called out your “friend” on going along with the others and laughing. Good for you for declaring that you indeed have the perfect right to be mad.
Get the support around you (in person) and online (MeToo) so that you won’t tolerate such behavior from ANYone, much less your “friends.”
Mark
MarkParticipantMiss,
How old are you?
I feel for you. I agree with anita’s suggestion about leaving. In the meantime, setting firm boundaries with your mother will help. Whenever your mother starts in with her negative energy, declare that you cannot be in her presence for it drains you/upsets you/etc. and then leave the room. Either go into a room where you can close the door to keep her from being with you or leave the house.
Keep doing that every time she does that. Be persistent. Be consistent. Don’t stay to argue, justify, plead. Make that simple statement and leave.
Mark
MarkParticipantMtnsAreCalling,
I am sorry you have lost your family. Congrats on turning yourself around.
Stephen Convey talks about this concept of an Emotional Bank Account. When your trust level is high, because you’ve made lots of deposits, communication is almost effortless. You can be yourself, and others understand and appreciate you. Then, when you make mistakes or offend someone unexpectedly, you draw on that reserve and the relationship still
maintains a solid level of trust.Conversely, when you are discourteous, disrespect others, interrupt others, speak sarcastically or ignore others, your emotional bank account becomes overdrawn because you have jeopardized the trust level.Your account is overdrawn and your wife has closed the account. Perhaps she will be open to communicate and let you in at a later time but for now honor her wishes.
You did not mention about apologizing to her and to each of your children (separately). That would be a good start.
I would also look into what kind of amends you can do for her, for each child.
And continue to work on yourself for that is a lifelong process. We are never done.
Mark
MarkParticipantSophie,
I am still confused. What is keeping you to go somewhere else to find some job more suited for you? Or even going back to the job that you had before?
Mark
MarkParticipantlaelithia, You said …
I feel horrible that when I am with my current partner, I often imagine how much enjoyable whatever activity we are doing would have been if I was with my ex instead. I don’t know how to rid myself of these horrible thoughts that haunt me. Do you have any suggestions on how to do this?
….
…in my current relationship, I believe it is a shadow of what I could have had with my ex. Every day I think about how my current life could have been so much better with him in it, with us together.
It seems like you are doing your current partner a disservice by staying with him. You are not being fully present with him. You are not really IN the relationship with him, rather you are really still “with” your ex.
My suggestion is to heal yourself around your ex first before being in another relationship.
Mark
MarkParticipantDuderino,
When you say you cannot connect with therapists, does that mean you have tried therapy?
Like any profession, there is a wide range of the type, the competency as well as just having a good fit/match of therapists that would benefit you.
Did you have a male role model/mentor growing up?
Mark
MarkParticipantDuderino,
A good therapist will help you deal with the sub/unconscious issues of not having a father growing up to give you a male role model. I take it you did not have a male role model/mentor while growing up? Uncle, teacher, etc.? So without one, you became very self-sufficient and not trusting of others and even yourself. You are in a quandary in finding your life’s direction until now.
You are looking for a perspective in your decision not “answers.”
What is your career path you are choosing? What made you decide on that one?
Mark
MarkParticipantChantel,
I would check in on him. I would think calling is better than texting because it seems more personal but I’m old fashioned that way.
Card is good.
Mark
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