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Mark

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Viewing 15 posts - 361 through 375 (of 1,111 total)
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  • March 9, 2019 at 9:13 am in reply to: Boyfriend of 2 years ghosted me #283811
    Mark
    Participant

    Christine,

    The thing with honesty is that most of us are not self-aware enough to be honest.  We do not know ourselves enough to be truly honest.  Plus us humans are living contradictions.  We may say/think one thing but our unconscious beliefs cause us to do something else.  Plus our beliefs are not consistent.  Bottom line, we all behave according to how we learned to survive which we learned when we were young.

    So regardless of what we say to each other, it is not necessarily true for we ourselves don’t know our own truth… which can be fluid and inconsistent.

    Mark

    March 8, 2019 at 6:45 pm in reply to: Boyfriend of 2 years ghosted me #283759
    Mark
    Participant

    Christine,

    If you are going further into this relationship with the expectation he will change (or that you can change him) then you will be paying the consequences when nothing changes.

    It is always a good rule in relationships, what you see is what you get.  Women tend to be nurturers and fixers, usually at the detriment of themselves for they don’t self-nurture and they cannot fix.

    Mark

    March 8, 2019 at 5:28 pm in reply to: Self worth and anxiety #283757
    Mark
    Participant

    Heartbrokengurl,

    I believe we keep repeating a pattern of relationships until we 1) are consciously aware of the underlying belief/issue/wound and 2) we start healing from that wound.  Usually that wound/belief/pattern comes from our family-of-origin where we do not get the necessary nurturing from our mother and/or father.  For me, I had a mother who was angry toward men.  I kept attracting angry women.

    You said you keep attracting “these guys.”  A previous post you mentioned that your therapist observed that you kept attracting emotionally unavailable men.  Keep working with your therapist on that.  Check out Anxious Attachment Style.  Pursuers with an anxious style are usually disinterested in someone available with a secure style. They usually attract someone who is avoidant. The anxiety of an insecure attachment is enlivening and familiar, though it’s uncomfortable and makes them more anxious. It validates their abandonment fears about relationships and beliefs about not being enough, lovable, or securely loved.  …

    … anxious types tend to bond quickly and don’t take time to assess whether their partner can or wants to meet their needs. They tend to see things they share in common with each new, idealized partner and overlook potential problems. In trying to make the relationship work, they suppress their needs, sending the wrong signals to their partner in the long run. All of this behavior makes attaching to an avoider more probable. When he or she withdraws, their anxiety is aroused. Pursuers confuse their longing and anxiety for love rather than realizing it’s their partner’s unavailability that is the problem. It’s not themselves or anything they did or could do to change that. They hang in and try harder, instead of facing the truth and cutting their losses.

    https://www.justmytype.ca/date-someone-anxious-attachment-style/

    https://www.yourtango.com/2018314056/six-signs-you-have-anxious-attachment-style-love-how-affects-your-relationships

    Good luck,

    Mark

     

    March 8, 2019 at 5:01 pm in reply to: Toxic Family Member #283755
    Mark
    Participant

    mycartist,

    I would first look on why you want to stay in contact with your uncle.  He is toxic.

    Reach out to your cousins and aunt and let them know for your own health, you will no longer have any contact with your uncle.  Emphasize that you do want to continue to have a relationship with each of them but it won’t be with your uncle around.  Ask them that you hope they understand and that you cannot be with them if your uncle is there too.  You need not give any more explanation or excuses.

    Block your uncle from your phone, social media, etc.

    Let go of your peacekeeper role.

    Mark

    March 7, 2019 at 8:32 pm in reply to: Anxiety/Depression making me feel like I lost feelings for my boyfriend #283579
    Mark
    Participant

    Christina,

    I don’t believe one act (esp. when we are drunk) constitute and demonstrate our character.  My close, lesbian friend kissed me at her New Year’s Eve party at midnight because I expressed I did not have anyone to do that with.  Her lesbian, live-in partner was there on the premises.  Neither of us thought it was cheating or anything romantic but just an expression of celebration and caring from a close friend.

    Cheating is more than the act/kiss.  It is an emotion and sexual/physical intent that would distance the other from their partner as I would define it.  If either of you or your partner think it is “cheating” then have a real heart-to-heart on how you trust each other, what are the “rules of engagement” i.e. what behaviors and acts constitute cheating and “bad” behavior.

    I believe that we come from Fear or Love in how we navigate the world.  Love begets trust with each other.

    Mark

    March 7, 2019 at 6:10 pm in reply to: Boyfriend of 2 years ghosted me #283573
    Mark
    Participant

    Christine,

    It sounds like from your response that you know what kind of person he is.

    My approach to relationships is that the other person will not change, and if the are willing to change then I will distance myself and *maybe* come back IF they do change.  Otherwise I wish them well and I will continue on to find my better match.

    I don’t believe how ardent the other person begs, pleas, promises that they are going to change for US. They have to change for THEMSELVES not me.

    Their behavior tells their truth, not their words.

    Mark

    March 7, 2019 at 5:03 pm in reply to: Boyfriend of 2 years ghosted me #283559
    Mark
    Participant

    Christine,

    It seems like you are going “above and beyond” to accommodate your boyfriend with his house and your relationship.  That seems unbalanced to me.  I suspect sooner or later this will be an issue with your relationship, especially if you decide to move in together and/or get married.

    You already have experienced his negative habits and lifestyle, i.e. his “gross” living/messy lifestyle, his heavy drinking, his heavy pot smoking, his heavy tobacco chewing and smoking habits.

    Personally, I would not want to expose my child to such an influence.

    Romantically, I would seriously look at my own “bottom line” values and behavior boundaries to be involved with such a partner.  My own core values include non-addictive lifestyle for that points to bigger and long term personal issues that (I believe) need to be resolved BEFORE having a healthy romantic relationship.

    Make sense?

    Mark

    March 4, 2019 at 5:42 pm in reply to: Toxic girlfriends divorced mom #283003
    Mark
    Participant

    Lukey,

    It is easy to judge someone who deals with life by complaining and withdrawing from life by drinking.  I can imagine myself not being able to tolerate someone who won’t help themselves.

    Have you and/or your gf thought of doing something different like take her out of the house for a walk, a movie, a live music event or with other people?  Even AA where there is a community of people who will listen to her and her pain?

    I invite you to be compassionate to someone who is in pain.  We frequently judge others based on our own experience of our life and how we behave.  The key to compassion is empathy.  It is to walk in someone else’s shoes.

    How should you tell your gf you don’t want to be around her mother?  How about telling her that you want to love and support her but you have a hard time and not have the patience to be around her mother.

    Mark

    March 4, 2019 at 2:49 pm in reply to: I think I ruined things #282985
    Mark
    Participant

    Lola,

    You have started seeing him in January. You two agreed on a date on Saturday and he never followed up until 2 am that Saturday? Plus he is not wanting a serious relationship (whatever that means).

    I’m not sure what you are wanting from us. This is a brand new relationship.  If you asked if you “ruined” things with him, it sounds like it was a singular incident that you both discussed and resolved with his apology.  If that is what it takes for a new relationship to end then you better off knowing this early on rather than later.

    You got triggered about being disrespected and this is on the heels of your past abusive relationship. This sounds like your baggage that you are laying on this new guy. You two agreed that you both want nothing serious.

    Mark

    March 4, 2019 at 2:19 pm in reply to: What is going on with him? #282983
    Mark
    Participant

    Linda,

    Regardless of his childhood, his behavior is unacceptable.  He does not treat you with respect or kindly.  He does not take responsibility for his own behavior.  Relationships tend to change after being together around 9 months or so.  The honeymoon period fades.

    I would look at your own family background rather than his.  Look at why you chose this guy as your boyfriend.  I bet it has something to do with your family of origin.

    Mark

    March 4, 2019 at 9:29 am in reply to: I am very upset about my future relationships. #282847
    Mark
    Participant

    Megan,

    I caution you on knowing how God reacts to your behavior.  I am curious how do you know what God will do or react to?  I am curious on where you get this view of God.

    If you start with the premise that God is love then I think that will help you deal with this better.

    Mark

    March 3, 2019 at 9:23 am in reply to: Looking for advice on how to "take it a bit slower" #282649
    Mark
    Participant

    Belinda,

    As you know from your two online experiences of your previous husbands, people act differently face-to-face.  There is so much to reveal when two people get together in person, in different situations, in different environments.  That is why dating is a good thing to do (Facetime is not dating).  Personally I don’t believe in going head first into a romantic relationship without spending extensive in-person time together.  I have met many a woman from online but my requirement is that I need to actually be able to see her on a couple-times-a-week basis in order to build a romantic relationship.

    I am not sure what “slow” means except that you delay having sex.  Otherwise, does slow mean not communicating as often?  does slow mean you don’t reveal as much?  I don’t think that really makes the relationship that much richer.  I do think that it does give people an opportunity to make time to satisfy their emotional needs elsewhere and not to depend on one person for that.  What does he mean when he wants to take your relationship “slow(er)?”

    Mark

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Mark.
    February 28, 2019 at 7:13 pm in reply to: Cheating (ex)Boyfriend – Save My Sanity #282309
    Mark
    Participant

    lostcloud,

    Good for you on using this experience to learn and do it differently next time.  I believe that it is more important to learn why you acted and thought the way you did than the other person.  This way you can be more mindful next time.

    Mark

    February 28, 2019 at 2:45 pm in reply to: Forcing in relationships #282291
    Mark
    Participant

    Frances,

    There are certain absolutes I have in my criteria for relationships (including friendships).  One of that is that they cannot smoke.  See the CDC’s website for the health dangers of second hand smoke.

    https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/data_statistics/fact_sheets/secondhand_smoke/health_effects/index.htm

    And even third hand smoke is unhealthy:

    https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5-things-you-should-know-about-the-risks-of-thirdhand-smoke/

    For me, vaping is smoking.  Check out the health issues from that:

    Is Vaping Dangerous? What the Science Shows

    I agree with anita.  You cannot “force” your boyfriend to quit.  Accept that your boyfriend will not quit and make your decision to leave (or stay) based on that.

    Mark

     

    February 27, 2019 at 9:30 pm in reply to: Mr. Unavailable & Mixed Signals Advice Needed #282131
    Mark
    Participant

    Mary,

    I don’t understand why he still contacts me after all this. I also don’t know how to stop being emotionally connected to him.

    I need guidance if it’s worth keeping that connection window open and how I can overcome these feelings in the meantime, or if it’s time I let go altogether and also overcome these feelings.

    Sex keeps women physiologically connected to their sexual partners.  It’s a biological fact.

    I suggest that you re-read your post(s) and look at it.  If a friend posted this, what would you advise her to do?

    Mark

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