coconut,

A way to shift things in your life is to shift how you view yourself.  Focus on accepting yourself, who  you are at this moment.  You already noted what you don’t like about yourself but make sure those are things that YOU want to change rather than feeling you have to change because of others.

Be aware of your language for our words help shape our reality.  Using words about your feelings like “stupid,” “inadequate,” “clumsy” are judgement words rather than feeling words (check out Non-Violent Communication for a list of universal feelings and needs.

You talk about not wanting to pretend and say to yourself that you are beautiful or intelligent.  How about telling yourself what things that you have done “well” in for the day, i.e. a daily self-appreciation journal/affirmation exercise?  You are re-programming your neural pathways from habitual negative thinking to something more positive.  This approach is based in science.  Instead of making up something like you are “beautiful” you can affirm yourself with noting something you did concretely like saying you took care of yourself (which is a good thing) by making yourself breakfast or that you put yourself “out there” by being vulnerable by posting here on this website (therefore you are courageously vulnerable).

Mark

Joe,

Here’s a suggestion on starting to love yourself.  Everyday, write down three things that you appreciate about yourself.  These could be things you did that day, qualities of yourself, etc.  Make it a self-love journal.

Also every morning look into the mirror and say “I love you.”

Mark

He’s your “best” friend so that means he’ll have to show that he is by sucking it up for a day on YOUR wedding. Giving you ultimatums is NOT the way to behave as a friend, much less as a best friend.

Others here can help you how best to communicate with him on this but he does not decide who you can invite to your special day.

Note that this is His decision not to come despite him trying to put it on you.

Mark

Amy

Great that you are aware of this of yourself. Realize this is a human behavior phenomenon not a flaw of who you are.

This can be a mindfulness practice so whenever you notice envy or jealousy, you can note that and focus on appreciating what you do have.

Mark

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Mark.

Alex,

The way of giving advice is asking if they want it first. If they don’t then drop it. Even though you may think you “know better”, it is up to each of us to take responsibility of our own lives.  You are not his mother. This is how we all learn for ourselves.

Good for you for wanting to learn from your experience.

Mark

Rose,
It sounds like you are giving your whole self away to him for it sounds like you are being very self-sacrificing. I have been a major source of support for him, even through my own cancer, two parents’ deaths and losing a job. I have never asked for anything from him…

I am curious why you are not paying attention to what your therapist is telling you about him. You don’t think he is toxic? You don’t think that he is keeping you where he wants and whenever it is convenient for him to use you, e.g. listening to him cry, etc.?  He has told you upfront that he does not want to be in a committed relationship.  It sounds like this is still true.

You say you are not sure what to do despite you stating that you should leave and what your therapist and friends say about him.  One of the popular definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Mark

Giulia,

It’s really tough to be the outlier in a tight, closed community.  I think of the Christian Fundamentalists, Amish or the Republican Party here in the U.S. as examples where having different opinions, values, views, etc. are not tolerated.  This is typical of human behavior and evolutionary psychology explains this phenomenon for tribal/cultural mindsets.

How to stop talking negatively about the community?  You can focus on what pluses the community brings to you.  What are the benefits, what are the good things they have done for you, and how your children have benefited from being part of it.

Create a gratitude journal just about the community.

Mark

Z,

I can relate to your experience in feeling betrayed, angry, hurt, and resentful.  I can relate on trying to figure out how to let that go.

What have you done to try to change how you feel?

Have you journaled about your feelings? Have you written an angry letter to your former friend (and not send it)?  Have you really allowed to be totally into your anger, ex. scream, punch a pillow (or other objects), swear, etc.?  Have you meditate on your anger where you just sat with those angry feelings and not try to make them go away?  Have you tried to re-write the story of your betrayal so you come out as a hero?

If not then try one or more of those exercises.

By the way, it is never wrong to feel whatever you are feeling or thinking.

Mark