dreaming715

If you plan to be with this guy over the long haul then figure out a way to deal with your reactions. Good for you on communicating with him about how you felt and good for him for acknowledging you. Now let it go.

What he did was not intentionally mean spirited and he loves you. That’s all you need to know.

Mark

Jade,

So without a father, you were desiring some sort of father figure unconsciously plus not having any parental involvement/attention this only amplified your craving for attention.  You have not shared what you are working on specifically with your CBT treatment.  When you mentioned that you may have more deep seated issues, what do you think that may be?

You were attracted to a man (i.e. a father figure substitute) who has played you into liking/loving him and then distancing himself from you.  You have had parents who have distance themselves from you so hence that pattern fits from your upbringing.

He has gaslighted you when you bring up things that he has done to disrespect you and put you down but blamed you.  This may have originated from your grandmother who was in your life.

My point is that those dysfunctional, bad-for-you men you are attracted to are from the blueprint set by your upbringing.

The need to rescue men may come from your strategy to keep them in your life even though they are distancing themselves from you.  You could not do that for your mother or father but subconsciously you are doing that for those men/this man.

Does any of this make sense?

Mark

nz133,

There are schools of thought where writing out our stories and re-writing them to have a different outcome is therapeutic.  You cannot lose by writing, by journalling, by taking action to put words/thoughts/emotions on paper.

Mark

Olivia,

In our teens and especially in our 20s we grow tremendously.  We mature.  We find new interests.  We discard others.  Hopefully our self awareness grows.  We discover new things, people, cultures.  We uncover passions.

It is the typical “We’ve grown apart” talk.  You want to find out things on your own without having someone holding you back even if he is not doing that explicitly.

Others here can better tell you the “How” to break up with him.  Good for you for being clear on the “Why.”

I have been blindsided by my past relationships on breakups.  You can feel terrible about not giving him signs but this also is typical in breakups.  The person who breaks up usually has been thinking about it for a while before breaking up.

I got over my breakups.  I looked to learn from those relationships.  I am now in a fantastic relationship.

You are doing your boyfriend a favor by breaking up with him, the sooner, the better.  It can be hard and even painful for you and him but in the long run, it is better.

Be directly honest.  Be compassionate.  Be brief.  Do not be sucked into discussing or arguing on why you two should stay together. I find it hard when my soon-to-be-ex partner dances around the reasons, not being direct or honest when they broke up with him. In fact, with my last relationship, she was so indirect, I did not know that she was breaking up with me.

Mark

FancyFondue

Glad you are feeling a bit better.  Good to have a sense of humor as a good coping mechanism.

As Robin suggested, take action one-by-one so it all does not seem overwhelming.

Mark

Jane,

It’s tough to be a mother to an adult child who chooses not to take care of himself and one of his strategies is to guilt you, to manipulate you and others, to do everything but to take responsibility for his life.

Good for you to offer emotional support.  I suggest that it may be better to just let him be and have him contact you if he needs any non-financial support.  Put the ball in his court so he can figure out (or not) how to navigate his life.

Mark

Orion,

There are stages in a relationship and it is usually around this time that the honeymoon stage is over and transitions into the more serious stage… or not.

You are building a case of not wanting to be with your gf; not wanting to be a step father, not having things in common with her, having more energy than her.  Also you have identified your own personal issues of the lack of self esteem, that you lack the courage and integrity to breakup with someone you don’t want to be with by being passive-aggressive.   You mentioned some specified some built up resentment as well.

You said you have started therapy.  Good for you.  You owe it to this woman to be clear on whether or not you are going to move forward with her sooner rather than later.

In your post, you have not mentioned any of the reasons why you want to stay with her, only reasons why it is not working for you.  I suggest that you fully look at yourself and be clear on what you want in a long term, marriage partner.  Also be clear what you can truly give to the relationship, can you really love this person, with not only your heart but in terms of deeds and actions.

Mark

Jane,

It seems like you know what to do and are handling it the best you can.  You have awareness of your role and what it should be in order to best protect yourself.  You also know you want to go in the right direction of being an adult friend for your adult son rather than being a mother of a child.

Mark