claref

It’s not as if you dropped them. They dropped to you already.

Sure you can keep them as acquaintances with no expectations.

But know that they are not the friends you want in your life.

Mark

Natasha,

When you love someone despite his poor treatment of you tells me you are idealizing him or at least giving him a pass for such behavior.

You have expounded on his poor treatment of you. Anita or someone else here can go into the “whys” of his behavior. My assertion is that it really does not matter on why he changed or why he is treating you so poorly. My point is that he is doing that now.

You can question yourself on thinking it could be you for his behavior but it does take two people. Each person plays a role in how relationships work and does not work. I find that it best to accept it. He plays a big part in the demise of this.

It is best to find a therapist to understand what happened and to gain insight on how you can learn more about yourself so you can best deal with this transition.

I am sorry for your pain which is amplified by his happiness without you.
I believe it is best not to assign blame or to take on blame for the relationship ending. It was not meant to be and it is best to learn from this experience.

Mark

Natasha,

I still say your bf shows his true colors.  ANYone who leaves a 10 yr relationship based on ONE Facebook post is NOT the guy who can be in a COMMITTED, long term relationship.

People change over time.  I’m not sure at what age you two met and how old is he now but in our teens and 20s, we change a LOT.

It’s not about shutting off feelings but to look at him with your eyes wide open without the gauze of idealizing him.

Mark

dreamging715,

You two still can be sexually intimate without having him having an erection.  I would have a frank and honest talk with him about what you enjoy and what he enjoys.   This pressure to perform is understandable.  If you are willing to let go having him “performing” and be happy with other aspects of intimacy such as cuddling, him satisfying you with his hands and mouth,  giving each other massages, just kissing and making out, etc. then that may be an answer to still be intimate despite him still wanting to satisfy himself.

Mark

Simon,

Thanks for elaborating on your original post addressing my question(s).  So if I understand what you said, the primary issue that your wife thinks is wrong with the marriage is your tone of voice and that you took the contrary side of a discussion?

You identified what your part in this problem is that you stopped letting her know that you appreciate her and spending romantic/one-on-one time with her.

You said that you cannot fix the relationship without fixing yourself first.  Is there anything else besides what I listed above (taken from your response to my question(s))?

My only advice is to learn to love her unconditionally.  Don’t argue with her on what she says.  Acknowledge her feelings, her pain.   That may be painful to hear blaming and anger toward you but keep in mind, this is her pain talking.

Listen, really listen.  Show that you are listening by repeating back what you heard.  Again don’t argue with whatever she says.   Ask what you can do to support her, to make things better and then do it.    Ask how you can make her life wonderful.

Shelve your own needs and feelings.  You may have anger about her affair.  Put that aside.

Woo her again.  What is her Love Language?  Do it all; gifts, words, acts of service, quality time, physical touch.  Take the initiative without having her tell you to do things (household chores, child care, foot/back massage, telling her how much you appreciate her – and be specific on what exactly  you appreciate about her, flowers, etc.).

If you are really committed in keeping her as your wife, then this process does not “fix” things overnight.  Plus there are no guarantees in life.

What do you think?

Mark

Simon,

Your pain is apparent. I am sorry for that.

What I don’t get from your posting is exactly what you have reflected on and what changes you have done (for the better).

Right now from your posting, I do not see any reflection, any acknowledgment of what your part that is causing this relationship to fall apart.

Please elaborate for this way it will give me a more holistic understanding of her pain and anger.

Mark

Jade,

You ask if it is a bad thing to make someone happy?  I believe that was what you tried with your mother.  The question is not whether it is right or wrong to make someone happy but how to choose a partner who can be in a mutually respectful and loving relationship with you?

This comes from discernment, respecting yourself, setting boundaries and not tolerating bad behavior.

I assume you are working with a therapist with your CBT.  What specifically are you working on with that?

Mark