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September 23, 2016 at 3:38 pm in reply to: Moving on- anger management and sense of security #116056
BrieParticipantKeep working it Chau
BrieParticipantHey I read your comments few days ago, but haven’t had time to respond.
South Korea good. I have cousins who flew there to teach English.
With regards to money problems, I’m not financial advisor nor an expert at helping others, but you need to find a way to do two things:
1) reduce the money that leaves your wallet/bank account, by cutting spending on anything that isn’t an absolute necessity. Savings also help here via bulk buying food, etc.
2) make more money. New job, new source of income, etc. I personally went with new source of income and found myself a job working online doing something called search engine optimization (SEO). I did everything + more that I could think of to get myself a job and learn more about SEO. Someone gave me a chance, then things took off for me from there. I’ve since then touched on a world of new things with making money online. You and I have the luxury of having access to the whole Internet. See what things you can do with it.
With regards to your mom: I hold aggressive views, so it’s up to you on how you want to interpret them. Don’t even bother here. You’re still young (I’m 25 btw), you should still have respect for your mom, but you have bigger priorities in life, namely getting somewhere in life. Pour your focus on the idea of getting a job, making more money, getting a higher salary, finding more new jobs, trying new ideas, making more mistakes. If I listened to my parents, I would have never flew to Bangkok alone (first time overseas + first time alone ever) and grew so much personally.
I worked in retail for two years. During this time, I had to subway for 2 hours there and back. The store I worked at was located in the heart of Toronto’s business district, and nearly every other person that walked into my store. I was a pretty negative guy, so that perception I’m 95% sure is skewed. However, I worked day shifts there, night shifts at a restaurant delivering food. Winters were the worse because my shoes had holes in them and took in snow, rain, dirt, etc, but I still continued to figure something out working online. The bigger picture is that the lifestyle I want won’t work if I’m doing retail, then finish school to work at a bank as a financial analyst or something. So I eventually cut all that out and focused all out on what I reasoned as best direction to my ultimate goal. I grinded during my days off on my internet marketing projects.
Keep quizzing yourself. Find people with a strong focus on what matters most. Start a journal and write every single thought in it, then question the hell out of it. Find strength in your own abilities by training them. Don’t know what questions to ask? Read books on improving questioning skill. Not sure how to handle mother? Read books, do research, find out how others are doing it. Not sure what life is like in another country? Research online, get into contact with bloggers or youtubers living in the countries you want to be in, speak to others on Skype about their adventures. Just be sure to stick to the bigger picture. Avoid getting caught up in the little details
Best wishes
BrieParticipantSeems pretty clear what she is doing + what you want + the difference in between. What’s not clear is why you haven’t let her go yet.
So why haven’t you let her go? Why haven’t you moved on? @Melusina2017
BrieParticipantI have issue with this principle because I only hear people who can “make time” say such a thing. We are emotional creatures, so we make hasty judgements on what we see. Never what we do not see. No one should end their thought process on this principle. Must dig deeper by asking why.
Interestingly, excuse seems to be appear in other parts of life.
BrieParticipant@Chau Are you disappointed in yourself? Is this about her and what she did to you or what you failed to do for her?
BrieParticipantThe novel was a thriller based on narcissistic abuse but Im adding some other elements in there, I feel like my original idea would be a better movie than book. With that kind of abuse it kind of creeps up on you, so it might be too confusing to be the main plot of the book.
I already smell a sequel 😀
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Hi, I’m Brie. Nice to meet you!
Won’t be visiting previous posts. Let’s see if we can spark some new ideas with recent ones . . .
I usually never got much writing done at all because I was thinking about going on a walk, eating, playing with the pets, and when my boyfriend got off work we would watch TV
Sounds distracting. What happening inside the noodle between you writing + you going for walk/eating/playing pets/bf time?
Maybe I will be more motivated to write when I have some money
Sounds uncertain. Can you rely on emotions?
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My mom once again asked why I never call her, but she had to call me because some of my paperwork came to her. She proceeded to lecture me about buying my own condo and why I should, even though I live with my boyfriend. I don’t think she thinks he is successful enough.
Sounds like she’s looking for things to talk about. People tendency seems to be to talk about bad things. I don’t know why. Perhaps easier to relate? Examples: gossiping. Also, doesn’t know about the good things in your life, so focuses on what she does know. Last idea, could be mom thing to be drawn to concerns of safety for children.
I want to live a minimalist lifestyle and I don’t know why she can’t understand that
We are all brought up differently. Check history and see how things lead to one way of thinking vs. another
She [mom] doesn’t know why my boyfriend will not put money into fixing our house, and I get mad at her but then I find myself agreeing with her and questioning my boyfriend
Sounds like a pattern. What are the specifics? Can you validate pattern by checking each instance?
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Bf and I also had another fight about his family. It was his birthday and his mom didn’t even message him, yet he always takes her out on her birthday. I just do Not comprehend this behavior of catering to people who are so oblivious, family or not.
Keep an open mind + keep questioning things. Avoid “I don’t understand” + end of thought process.
Bf and I also had another fight about his family. It was his birthday and his mom didn’t even message him, yet he always takes her out on her birthday. I just do Not comprehend this behavior of catering to people who are so oblivious, family or not. He also said something where he mixed up my siblings names and ages, and I kind of flipped. He has these moments of being absent minded with me and forgets things I said, where as he constantly brags about his sisters favorite food, her boyfriend, her grades, everything … and doesn’t say anything about me or even remember. Maybe this is an exaggeration because she is his sister. But for me with my insecurity it hurts so much. He also thinks I’m wrong for accepting my dad’s offer of money when I wasn’t working, because I mentioned I wanted to limit or cut contact. I said I did not ask, he offered, and I never ended up taking it. I feel like I’m being criticized more, or not cared about compared to everyone else when I do the most for him.
Hm… Big block! Let me break it down . . .
1)
I just do Not comprehend this behavior of catering to people who are so oblivious, family or not.
Avoid ending thought process here. There is tendency I have where I say “I don’t know” and things just stop.
Ask why you don’t know + what would cause the behaviour
2)
He also said something where he mixed up my siblings names and ages, and I kind of flipped. He has these moments of being absent minded with me and forgets things I said, where as he constantly brags about his sisters favorite food, her boyfriend, her grades, everything … and doesn’t say anything about me or even remember. Maybe this is an exaggeration because she is his sister. But for me with my insecurity it hurts so much.
Sounds like his way of caring = sharing with you what he finds, learns, knows, experienced
3)
He also thinks I’m wrong for accepting my dad’s offer of money when I wasn’t working, because I mentioned I wanted to limit or cut contact. I said I did not ask, he offered, and I never ended up taking it. I feel like I’m being criticized more, or not cared about compared to everyone else when I do the most for him.
Criticism normally = more care because actions viewed under magnifying glass. What happens is we too bogged in detail = forget the positive side of things. I might be wrong. There could also be other unseen/unheard things, such as relationship between bf + dad. Example: you money problems = bf not able to provide = bf look bad. Have you seen these implications?
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I also mentioned I really don’t want to drink because I say things I wish I didn’t, and I stress about my health and my weight.
Great! Step one to life changing habits always to eliminate the nonessential/roadblocks. Makes life easier
He still opens wine every day, he makes it himself . I know I should just say no but I can’t. It’s my fault but I wish I was stronger to hold back. I’m just so upset now and feel so alone. I don’t know why I end up being so independent one day and the next I still want to lash out. I am trying so hard to keep the serious anger to myself but I don’t know what to do.
Hm, sounds like dependency on others. To your mom, to your bf, to reach your own goals like writing, etc. Can I ask if you are youngest in family or have older siblings?
BrieParticipant@mnml I’m late to party. Here are some stuff that helped me:
1) list of common questions to ask strangers. Since work related, examples include:
– what do you do around here?
– how long have you worked at the company?
– what’s a good place for lunch? would you like to join me tomorrow?2) list of things you should avoid + list of things to do. For example,
– no complaining
– avoid gossip
– if must get up,– smile frequently
– listen for what point the other person is trying to make3) you know Amy Cuddy?
4) bring a notepad + write things down
5) speak up concerns
BrieParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for the advice. I definitely need to get organized. By nature I am not the most organized person, it will be something I have to get used to. I will be teaching 4th grade math and science. I asked the school for the curriculum and I was given the math curriculum. They are getting new books so I won’t have the new books until later. I asked the principle when I can get into the classroom and she said not until July 20. School starts the first week of August. I would like to have things planned before. Maybe I can take the math curriculum I received and do what I can with that until I get the science information. I asked the principle about a mentor teacher and she said that I would be given one. I am totally new to teaching and I am feeling very anxious about everything.
Hm, sounds like a lot of details
@dashboardchic19 I want to do a good job.
What does a good job look like?
BrieParticipant@Xaas said:So tell me how can you imagin your mind work?
This is cool question.
When I talk to people, few things get trigger:
1) what isn’t being said?
2) what am I missing? what else should I know first?
3) is this true? why?
4) how else can I look at this?
Using a metaphor, my brain is a gatekeeper between information coming in + my jello headquarters. It needs to check if everything is true, if anything is missing, nonverbal behaviour before it lets anything in.
After it does, jello HQ starts brainstorming different ways to view what has been said before making a decision.
^ All this is recent. I went through something intense. Before that, brain drove on a road of “why’s” drew conclusions based on what is said without further digging.
Sounds like brain was missing: side view mirrors + rear view mirrors in car.
Mirrors = to check assumptions + see what I can’t see + scrounging for more info before drawing conclusions (making a turn on the road).
BrieParticipantDear Brievuong,
thanks for your advice.
I think i did write journal on the first week or so when i stopped contacting her, and then i felt a bit better and lost track of it.
To be very frank I don’t feel it’s over yet. Images of her keep popping up no matter where i go. and to be frank I think i am very prone to obsessive behaviors
The emotions are still very strong towards her.
I am just trying to meditate and may be will resume writing my thought.
I want a better state of mind.Thanks!
Clara
@chau Great stuff. Four things:1) What does “better state of mind” mean?
2) You’ve been more on the logical side of things + have quite the sensitivity (sensitive = to other people’s behaviours and emotions + your own). Kudos on this.
3) What you “think” = most likely yes, unless proven otherwise
5) Test out Vishen Lakhairi 6 Phase Meditation
Edit: beware confirmation bias
BrieParticipantSlow texting after some time = normal behaviour.
You can arrive at this conclusion after some proper testing.
By proper, I mean (key 1:) how you approach your problem + what you test exactly + how different your tests are between each other.
Key 2: small changes to underperforming methods = still underperforming. What does this mean?
Key 3: your source = part of your approach = should be tested (think: at a bar in person vs. at a chess club in person vs. on a dating app over text)
Key 4: offer is most important. Can be nicest guy, but what you offer = suck = no one will care. (think: best car sales man selling you broken car)
Last key 5: you won’t know anything unless you track it.
Carry this with you everywhere in life.
Thinking, Fast and Slow: Your System 1 (primitive) will react, jump to conclusions, and overwhelm your System 2 (logic).
Slow it down with the scientific framework above.
Good luck
BrieParticipantTestingDid you get around to researching more apps? Doesn’t have to be local.
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This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by
Brie.
BrieParticipantThe job was so stressful, that I was having panic attacks and eventually resigned.
Too many things to do = stress. So could: too many thoughts = stress. Let’s find the specifics:
1) What stressed you at this job?
2) What triggered the panic attacks?
3) What solutions have you tried?I just feel like this will never end.
Not having a job, not knowing what’s going to happen, when the problems will end = uncertainty. So let’s work on clarity:
4) Shelter food water, what’s the number for you to get these three items?
5) How many places have you applied to?
6) What different potential jobs have you explored?
7) What is your method for getting a job?I really want to travel and teach abroad
8) Where do you want to teach abroad?
9) What do you have to do to get this outcome?BrieParticipantNothing’s working. Nothing is remotely interesting or amusing. You don’t like stuff. You have no passion. There’s no “interests” anywhere.
You’re doing work. It sucks. You have money saved. But at the rate you’re going, things won’t be getting better.
You don’t get people. You don’t get women. You’re not even worthy of their time, or anyone’s time, really. You don’t belong anywhere because you don’t connect with anyone. Everyone seems so different and okay with themselves. But you’re not.
You don’t get yourself. You don’t know what you’re suppose to do or “be” as a person. It’s almost as if you’re suppose to drown in sorrow.
Except you “know” this is all you. No one’s physically or mentally controlling you. You can see you’re thinking too much. You know others have it worse, but you get to be here today on the forums. You have food, shelter, water. You should be okay, but you’re not. Maybe you’re not suppose to be drowning in sorrow. Maybe it’s your choice… And that is a dark and scary thought…
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This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by
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