Hi ninibee,

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. This is the first free moment I’ve had all week.

I just now finished reading the updates to your thread and am once again amazed at the beautiful ways TB members offer sincere support. Lara’s wise and compassionate post above is worth more than one read. Anita has offered to be a calm, patient motherly-type figure to you. Exo’s “now is the time to thank this experience…” rings so true to me, and Inky gave you honest, practical advice, as she always does here.

Upon reading your answers to my questions I’ve learned that you are no longer in college, are experiencing a recent breakup, and have had trouble making friends since you were young. (It seems you didn’t perform academically in college and that’s why you are no longer enrolled.)

What I’ve learned about friendships is that there needs to be reciprocity involved. In other words, a friendship can’t be one-sided; both players need to benefit from it. For example, if you and I are friends we are providing value to each other, and there’s mutual respect within our friendship.

How do you get there? First, you need to understand who you are. What are your goals, values, and interests?

Do you see yourself having a rewarding career in the future, one that allows you to support yourself financially and feel good about your capabilities? If so, focus on something you like, figure out how to make a living from it, and decide to get there. Make a commitment that one day you’ll be an expert at that one thing, that you’ll be the one others will come to when they need help or advice on that topic. If you have the opportunity to get an education, don’t allow anything to distract you from your academic goals. Keep your focus. Each morning decide that you will stay present in sticking to your plan, that you will work hard to improve yourself that particular day. Don’t allow potential obstacles to derail you. It all starts with one decision.

What are your values? When I think of my values I think of the things that make me feel good about myself. Do you cheat on assignments? Do you talk about others behind their backs? Do you mind your own business or ask awkward, passive-aggressive questions that put others on the defensive? When living with others, do you do your part to keep your place clean? Are you thoughtful or selfish? If you live alone, do you clean up after yourself and stay organized? Do you drink too much alcohol or use drugs? Do you flirt with other girls’ boyfriends? Decide what your values are and then stick to them no matter what anyone else is doing. Your values are nonnegotiable.

What are your interests? If you like art, do you make time to paint/draw/etc? If you like reading, are you finding interesting books? If you want to be physically fit, are you eating right and exercising daily? If you like movies, do you treat yourself to one every now and then. If you like nature, do you get out, take walks or ride a bike often?

When trying to make friends, don’t be a chameleon who changes her colors to make others like her. Be yourself no matter what. Be true to you. Stick with your own unique set of goals, values, and interests, and then watch what happens. My prediction is that you’ll become less needy, and when that happens, others will become more attracted to you. People are attracted to goal-oriented people with strong values and their own interests and hobbies. It’s a byproduct of getting your life on track.

Be a good person who is happy and focused. Those qualities are highly valuable in friendships.

B

Hi Janine,

You did a very good job describing how that new suitemate treated you because I could almost feel the hurt myself while reading it. This must have been very disappointing and difficult for you. If it were me, I’m not sure I’d be able to live in that environment. Thank goodness you had your own bedroom.

So this living situation you described, is this the suite you lived in last school year (fall 2018-spring 2019)?

What year of college are you in now?

Do you have any idea why this new suitemate would treat you this way? What do your instincts tell you?

Yes, I think it’s logical to conclude that the reason the other girl on campus (the one who’s the head of the club) was rude to you is because her best friend (the new suitemate) may have told her something about you. Obviously, you don’t know that for sure but it’s plausible.

What about the other girls in that suite? How did they treat you? Do you consider any of them your friends?

What’s your current living situation this school year? Are you living with any of the same girls you lived with in that earlier suite?

Sorry for all the questions. Last one: How did your peers treat you in elementary, middle, and high school?

Maybe we TB members can figure out why this is happening to you and then come up with some ideas on how to improve your situation. What do you think?

B

Janine,

I’m here to support you. I’m also here to help you see your situation from a different perspective. We all desire a social connection with others. That’s totally normal; it’s not a flaw. Of course you don’t mean any harm. I understand that. I’m sorry that what I’m telling you is hurting you. It doesn’t make me feel good to know that.

When you say “I am mad at people like him”, I’m trying to help you see that maybe your anger is misplaced. I can’t in good faith jump on your “mad at him” bandwagon when I don’t see that he’s done anything wrong. He hasn’t been at all aggressive toward you. He hasn’t bullied you in any way. The way I see it, he’s simply living his life, a life that hasn’t always been smooth sailing for him, from what you’ve shared.

He was uncomfortable when you, someone he doesn’t know, stopped him in the stairwell to talk. There could be a million reasons why he felt this way that have nothing to do with you as a person. I’ve already listed some of those possible reasons. When people I don’t know stop me to have a conversation with me, I’m often uncomfortable. I automatically wonder if they have ulterior motives. I think wait, I don’t know you. What is it you want from me? That’s the truth. It could be a wonderful person trying to be my friend, but I don’t want someone to try to be my friend. I want it to happen organically. I want to meet a friend while playing tennis on an adjacent court, or at a party when we realize we’re the only two people there who aren’t totally wasted. When it doesn’t happen this way, when someone approaches me to be my friend, it scares me away. This is how I feel. This is the truth.

But this guy may not be like me. Maybe he was on his way up the stairs to get to his dorm to use the bathroom. Maybe he had to urinate so badly and he was too embarrassed to say that to you. There are so many reasons why he may have seemed uncomfortable when talking with you on that day.

Or maybe he IS like me. Maybe he felt that you were trying too hard to be his friend. I just don’t know.

But for whatever reason, I don’t feel that he’s a bad guy, and I can see why the FB thing set him off, especially when he was opening up about past trauma he’s had in his life. Like Inky said, timing is important.

But I’m not saying this to make you feel bad. This will pass and all will be okay, so be patient and try not to worry. Ten years from now when you are well into your career you’ll hardly remember this incident. Also know that it’s possible that all this anger you feel shouldn’t be directed at him at all. Maybe he’s not to blame after all. Maybe the anger comes from somewhere else. I have a sneaky feeling that TB member anita can help you figure out where it comes from much better than I ever could. She’s awesome with that kind of thing, but I’ll be here if you’d like my opinion on anything more. If not, that’s cool too, I would completely understand. 🙂

Hang in there, Janine.

B

Hi Janine,

I was wondering, when I talked to him I asked him “why wouldn’t you just say you’re stressed/busy/have to go?” or a simple “see you in class”, I said that this would have made it a lot better for everyone.. he wouldn’t feel trapped and could get on his merry way, and I wouldn’t take it personally. He laughed at this, saying “it’s hilarious that you think anyone in the world owes you that”. Is that true?

You’re not going to like my answer: Yes, it’s true.

Why did you feel it was okay to stop him in the stairwell to talk when he was headed somewhere? Have you ever experienced that yourself?…You’re on your way to say dinner or class and someone you hardly know sees you and expects you to stop and have a conversation with him? Did it not cross your mind to ask “Do you have a few minutes to talk?” before automatically engaging in a conversation with him?

Janine, I’m sorry, I’m really not trying to make you feel worse; I just want you to see another side of the situation.

B

Hi Guthries,

I think there are a couple lessons in this. The first one is patience. It would be great if you woke up tomorrow and these people suddenly decided to embrace you and accept you into the community, but that’s not going to happen. I find that when person A spreads rumors about person B, those who heard the rumors will stay away from B so as to keep A from turning on them as well. Even when they think B is being mistreated, they won’t reach out to B because they don’t want to be involved, don’t want any anger to be directed at them by A. But over time people change their perspectives.

So be patient. Build a life for yourself without these people. Do things you love doing….gardening, seeing movies, walking your dog? Smile and always be friendly. Practice mindfulness and meditation. Enjoy your new home. Give it time and see what happens.

The second lesson is this: Everyone has conflicts with others so when it happens either try to resolve it or move on, but don’t talk about it with others. These people have turned a community against you by talking about their conflicts. Had they stayed quiet, kept the details between you and them, your reputation wouldn’t be ruined. Unfortunately, I find that most people haven’t yet learned this important lesson, or they’re too weak to practice it.

B

Dear Michelle,

Of course you feel the way you do. Anger is one of the stages of grief associated with 1) an affair and 2) a suicide.

How can I get out of this hateful place I am in ? By accepting that it’s one of the stages and that it will pass.

An affair changes a marriage. It’s normal to be very angry. Tension and fighting after an affair are normal.

You’ve done nothing wrong.

((((Michelle))))

B

Pikeman – I was hoping Inky would chime in on this thread with her colorful wisdom! Now if you need any advice on selecting the right designer shirt, just let us know. 🙂 -B

Last thing….

If a friend came to you and said,

“I was seeing a really great girl. We had a fantastic connection. She was very easy to be around, treated me well and I really liked her…still do. But I ended things with her because of issues in her past, and I regret it. She was very open and honest with me about those issues, and in hindsight I believe that in overcoming her problems she has demonstrated strength and depth of character. She was addicted to drugs, diagnosed with bipolar disorder, a victim of physical abuse, has a poor relationship with some family members and, to be honest, I don’t find her body all that desirable/attractive. But still, I feel I broke it off because I focus too much on others’ flaws and it’s sabotaging my love life.”

…what would you tell your friend?