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Brandy

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 412 total)
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  • in reply to: Should we Separate?!? #420097
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Dave,

    You’ve tried to resuscitate your marriage but if her mind is made up then perhaps it’s time to begin to accept her decision, as difficult as it may be. Commit to being an amazing single father to your kids and explore what really motivates you in life and brings you joy. It’s easy to lose ourselves in life’s many pressures; maybe it’s time to find yourself again. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Raising kids is hard, and your sons will be teenagers soon. You’ll need a  strong sense of self to guide them through those turbulent years. Maybe your wife is pulling away because she senses that you’ve possibly lost that. A man of integrity who’s focused on clear goals, has high standards and a positive outlook on life can’t help but be an positive role model for his soon-to-be teenage sons and, trust me, their mother will notice. Get that guy back, Dave!

    B

    in reply to: how to deal with emotions? #419076
    Brandy
    Participant

    Yes, Helcat, I understand what you’re saying. Contemplation (or “contemplative prayer” or Peter I now understand these terms can be used interchangeably with “centering prayer”, a term you and another member used earlier) is the Christian Church’s answer to the Transcendental Meditation movement that became very popular in the United States in the 1960s and 1970s. Contemplative prayer has a rich tradition, practiced by the Desert Monks of Egypt back in the 3rd century.

    B

    in reply to: how to deal with emotions? #419065
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Peter,

    I think I understand what you’re saying about the fear of emptiness as we rest in the space of self-emptying (through meditation). I have experienced this I think, but I believe only within the first 5 minutes or so when I’m still waiting for my overactive thoughts to settle the hell down. The purpose of meditation for me is to calm myself, escape my anxiety, and it works, but I don’t experience joy through it. This brings me back to an earlier thread where we discussed happiness and the “flow of life”. My words will fall short, I know, but as I tried to express in that thread, things seem to only make some sense when I feel a strong connection with and trust in that “flow”, no matter how good my life is. When I was younger I thought differently. Back then obtaining the things that the world values brought me happiness, or so I thought. But I am middle-aged now and my feelings have changed. I wonder if this happens to a lot of people, if as we age we become less satisfied with those things that once satisfied us, so we seek answers to the bigger questions we’ve had all along but were too busy (or too satisfied) to bother with. And it’s not only our increasing age that pushes us to find answers, but also challenging times as we’ve all experienced over the past few years with the pandemic and everything else
I think there are a lot of us out here who just want to rest in truth and goodness
but where does one find truth and goodness? That’s where our searching leads us, I believe. And if we move in the right direction, I think things start to feel less wrong and more right, less emptiness, more joy, less meditation, more contemplation
because we’re now in the flow.

    B

    in reply to: how to deal with emotions? #418863
    Brandy
    Participant

    Well, I don’t know if the monk laughs but it sure got a chuckle out of me! 😂 Thank you!

    I need a few days to reflect on this before responding. My gut says it relates to what we were discussing earlier: the difference between meditation and contemplation
but I could easily be wrong.

    B

    in reply to: how to deal with emotions? #418797
    Brandy
    Participant

    Beautifully stated, as usual, Peter. Back to Jung’s “I know”, like you and Tee, I think I mostly know, too. It may sound hokey but sometimes I feel that when everything is going right, when life is good and things are working out nicely, that unless I choose the “right” meaning for all my good fortune, I’ll be left with a feeling of emptiness in the midst of all my happiness. Maybe it’s devinely designed this way whereby the emptiness is a gentle nudge by the Self, Universe, G_d, etc. for us to seek answers that point us to hope in the right things, which will ultimately fill our emptiness with joy. And, of course, once we get there, we know we’ve chosen correctly.

    B

    in reply to: how to deal with emotions? #418776
    Brandy
    Participant

    It’s interesting what psychiatrist Viktor Frankl had to say about hope in his book Man’s Search for Meaning. He was a prisoner in the WWII concentration camps and noticed that those who survived the camps were not necessarily the strongest physically but instead the ones who didn’t lose their sense of hope. Sadly, the mental health of those who did lose hope deteriorated.

    Tee – There have been some interesting recent scientific findings on the role that fascia (connective tissue) plays on chronic pain (myofascial pain syndrome). There are still many unknowns but it may be of interest to you.

    B

    in reply to: Can I move on from a betrayal without forgiveness? #418744
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Sagged,

    How unfortunate that you crossed paths with this woman, but how fortunate that you’re now free of her! And the lessons you’ve learned along the way are invaluable. So much excellent advice already given, so I’ll reiterate
Wake up each morning looking forward, not backward. You’re a decent guy with so much to look forward to. I’m excited about your future!

    B

    PS Welcome back Helcat! 😊

    in reply to: Diplomcay, is it for all? #418543
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Tom,

    You’ve listed many of your qualities (a person of moral and ethical principles, someone who is on-time, keeps his word, follows etiquette, is respectful to others, etc.), and as wonderful as they all are, I wonder if you may be over-identifying with them. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s amazing that you have all of these noble qualities but do they really make up your truest self? Your truest self emerges once you drop the labels, step outside the constant stream of thoughts within your mind, and just be. This will allow you to be more at peace with yourself and others, and you’ll experience more joy.

    B

    in reply to: how to deal with emotions? #418521
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Peter,

    I suppose both could be true at the same time which is an interesting thought.

    Regarding the Enneagram and that at some point something confronts our world view which causes us to compensate our natural type to our survival type, this rings true to me. For me personally I feel that my survival type is very different from my natural type. I haven’t taken the test but I’ve a hunch I was a born happy-go-lucky “Enthusiast” that evolved into a cautious “Reformer”. Lol

    When you say “indifference likes to disguise itself as detachment”, do you mean that you may have been mostly indifferent to the events that transpired in your high school memory?

    B

    in reply to: how to deal with emotions? #418461
    Brandy
    Participant

    I have experienced something very similar to what Peter described. In my situation, I wondered later in my life if my “disassociation” was about protecting myself from hurt and embarrassment. Emotions were there but there was a level of detachment also.

    B

    in reply to: I Want to be Happy, But I’m Stuck In The Past. #417759
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Jamie,

    I keep waking up in the morning with the same reel of thoughts and mental images of all the bad things that have happened to me in the past

    I like that you used the word “reel” because I think of it as a movie reel that keeps playing in my head over and over again. I like Roberta’s advice that the first step to breaking free is to become aware of what’s happening: Your own personal horror movie just keeps playing in your mind. It’s not real; it’s only a story your mind keeps telling you. Make the decision to step outside the movie and become an objective observer to it, almost like you’re not the leading character in it anymore. In other words, stop identifying with the story. It’s over. Those things that happened are over. When you wake up tomorrow and you have a regret, don’t get pulled in. Just observe it and let it pass. Make a decision to keep doing this as many times as you need to throughout the day. At first it will be hard and you’ll be lucky to get a minute or two of freedom because these darn thoughts are persistent, but after some time it gets easier, becomes a healthy habit, and life becomes an adventure again.

    All of us make a lot of mistakes throughout our lives because we’re human and humans make mistakes. I’ve made way too many, trust me. I forgave myself, and I’ll continue to do so because I’ll keep making mistakes, no doubt about that.¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It’s time for you to forgive yourself too.

    Our suffering is optional because we have the option to not get swept away by our thoughts. Just observe them
here comes those massive regrets again, no big deal, yawn, ho-hum, what am I gonna do for fun after work today?
and let them go.

    B 😊

    in reply to: So many ways to go about life, unsure how to proceed #417666
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi William,

    You are a 2nd year full-time computer science college student with a GPA that “isn’t bad”. My advice is to stick it out and finish the degree in spite of your lack of passion for the field. You’re right, the money is good but also there are a lot of jobs. Get the degree and your options will  open up. What you’re learning in school may be very different from what you potentially would be doing in the workforce. You haven’t yet been exposed to all that’s out there in this field. In other words, you don’t know what you don’t know! As you make your way through school start thinking about an industry that excites you. Good computer scientists are needed in just about every industry. Look for interesting companies with good benefits and with managers who nurture their employees’ growth and want them to be happy. So many opportunities can surface from within any organization. The computer science degree will get you inside the door at a great starting salary, and once inside, search for your passion. Maybe you’ll decide that computer science isn’t it (or maybe you’ll decide that it is), but once you’re inside a good company, get around, meet people, make friends, find out what inspires you, and go for it!

    B

    in reply to: How do I meditate? #417271
    Brandy
    Participant

    Peter –  I’m not familiar with centering prayer but I have similar thoughts as you with regard to the differences between meditation and contemplation. The way I see it meditation is a human mode of prayer whereas contemplation is divinely infused prayer, and yes meditation can lead to contemplation. I think of contemplation as waiting for God (or the Universe or whatever term one wishes to use) to meet us and to be with us, so we can rest in his/its presence and listen for guidance with an open heart.

    B

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Albert,

    I’m so sorry your mom is sick. I hope she makes a full recovery. You are young, 32, with a degree from a prestigious university. When you’re not caring for your mom, do you have a career to throw yourself into, to master a skill, to learn how valuable an employee you are, to make connections with interesting colleagues, and to get your mind off someone who isn’t interested in a relationship with you? The world is full of new discoveries, opportunities, and wonderful people. Don’t put your life on hold for a person who “is seeing someone else but still loves me”. You are in control of your life. You get to decide to move forward and be even happier than you were before. Best wishes to you as you spend precious time with your mom and plan out your next exciting chapter.

    B

    in reply to: Establishing boundaries with grown children #416787
    Brandy
    Participant

    Jill,

    They are your children and you will miss them, and you are their mother and they will miss you. In time, maybe the three of you will be open to letting it all go, rebuilding a healthier and better relationship.

    B

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 412 total)