Hi Athena,

I read your earlier post from 3 weeks ago. In it you said “i have always felt i married my soul mate and had a happy marriage although with some issues but with kids and all they were buried. Last week while meditating a feeling of unhappiness that i have never really experienced before overcame me. The reality of the state of my marriage flashed before my eyes. We have always been the poster happy couple. I feel i have been trapped and i want out.” You also indicated in that post that you are bisexual, and although you loved your husband when you married him, you were not sexually attracted to him or “in love” with him. You wrote that the two of you disagree on things such as which languages the kids should learn, whether or not to eat healthily, and how to manage your finances, but that you acknowledge that he’s a very caring father, adores you, and helps around the house.

I think I understand how unhappy you are, and if you didn’t have 3 young children, I’d say end the marriage today. But you do have 3 young children, and not so long ago (right?) you believed you had married your soulmate and that your marriage was a happy one, but now, after this “awakening”, you want out of the marriage. So let’s say you leave, take your 3 young girls with you to live elsewhere, and then have another meditation experience where you realized you did the wrong thing? It reads to me that your husband is not a bad guy and that he loves you and his kids. Raising three young children is not easy — I know, I’ve done it — and some days you may want to run away and escape back to your old carefree life, but you don’t do it. A lot of the issues that the two of you have are the same issues that many married couples raising children have and go to couples therapy for, but the bisexual thing….I just don’t know about that one. Is this what is driving your feelings about this marriage? In your latest post you mention this other guy from your past whom you rejected and now may have some regrets. I agree with anita in that you may want to explore what’s going on with you through quality psychotherapy before making any big decisions, because the decisions you make could profoundly affect your three young girls.

If a friend who was in this same situation came to you and asked for your advice, what would you tell her? I mean, as an objective observer looking at the situation from the outside, what questions would you ask her, and what advice would you give her?

Hang in there.

B

Hi Patrick,

I hope you continue to post on this website. I think you’ve given a lot of great advice on several threads, and I enjoy reading what you have to say. And you too, Mark!

B

Hi Unicornmeadows,

What happened in your relationship doesn’t make sense, and I understand how confused, disappointed and hurt you are. I would be too, definitely. Relationships are risky though. All of them are — friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships, etc. You never know at what point feelings will change in each relationship. In the past I have ended romantic relationships with others because my feelings changed (have you ever?), and this didn’t always make sense to the person I ended the relationship with. What I remember more clearly, though, are those times when others have ended relationships with me, which was brutal for me. I would get some lame excuse like “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now”, “I’m too busy for a relationship, blah, blah, blah”, etc. I would then beat myself up, ask myself “What did I do wrong??” Maybe I did do something wrong, or maybe I didn’t. I don’t know. But someone else’s romantic feelings toward me changed, and I had to accept it, although, trust me, I did whatever I could to try to figure it out logically. Sometimes it’s just not logical, though. It may have nothing to do with either person’s behavior in the relationship, e.g., if there was arguing going on in the relationship, etc. It may just be a feeling a person gets one day that tells him or her that the relationship isn’t what they want, even though the day before they thought it was what they wanted. And it may have nothing at all to do with you; it may have to do with the way he was raised, or his past experiences in relationships, or maybe he met someone who he feels is a better partner for him — this has happened to me btw, and yes, it’s awful. Some people choose not to enter relationships at all because they don’t want to experience hurt like this, because face it, most romantic relationships don’t work out in the long run, and someone often gets hurt. In spite of how difficult this is for you, I’m glad it happened 10 months in, instead of 10 years. Don’t remain friends with him — not because he’s a bad guy or anything but because it will be more difficult for you to get over him.  Take care of yourself, exercise, eat right, do things you love doing. Get out of your head. Get up, dust yourself off, and get back out there. You’ll get through this. You’ll be ok.

B

You are very welcome, Eliana.

Have you gathered online information from credible institutions (maybe the Mayo Clinic?) about opioid-induced constipation (OIC)?  You are right, it seems OIC is very common, but it may take seeing a gastroenterologist who is an OIC expert to effectively treat it. Based on the little I’ve read about this, it’s very possible that the ER doctors you are dealing with don’t know how to reverse OIC, but that specialists do. The ER doctors you’ve seen should have referred you to a specialist.

Dear Alex,

I’m so glad you reached out and posted your story on this forum. I read your post three times. I am another member here who is not qualified to council anyone. I can only communicate my instincts, personal experiences, and things that I have learned from others to you. I am a mom of three, one who is a young man your same age.

I believe that all the feelings you are having are very normal for someone who has experienced the stressful events that you have. I have learned through my studies that witnessing a traumatic event can damage a child or teenager more severely than a physical wound can, and the reason for this is because his or her development isn’t yet complete. My understanding is that it is common for young people who have been through tough experiences to be confused, have difficulty concentrating, feel guilt, shame, self-blame, sad, hopeless, or that something bad is going to happen. The good news, Alex, is that there are many professionals out there who are trained to help young people like you go on to live very happy lives. They are called “trauma experts” and they have studied different approaches to help people like you heal.

I believe that not all therapists are the same, so it might take some time to find the right one. It’s important that the therapist you select has a lot of experience treating patients who have experienced trauma. I know you stated that it isn’t easy for you to have the strength to talk about this stuff; that’s another very normal feeling to have. If you go see a therapist and you don’t feel comfortable opening up to that person, find a different therapist. The right therapist will make you feel safe, respected, and understood. Try to be patient while finding the right one.

You have left a huge impression on me, Alex. You are an intelligent, sincere, sensible young man. Better times are ahead for you. Stay away from drugs and alcohol to escape these difficult feelings. Keep posting here instead.

Brandy

Hi Franky,

I had to smile while reading your post. Reads to me that you have a pretty nice family. Families go through changes and periods of “disequilibrium”, and it’s all normal. Significant changes in a family start to happen when children go through adolescence which started in your family many years ago, and again through emerging adulthood (ages 18-25) which you are also past now. Emerging adulthood is the age of identity explorations when people explore possibilities in love and work. It’s also the time when many people leave their families of origin and transform themselves – make independent decisions about what kind of people they wish to be and realize that they are not made only in the parents’ images. (Emerging adulthood doesn’t exist in all cultures, and I’m not sure what your culture is.) At the same time that all these changes are happening  for the adult children in a family,  parents are typically going through midlife which also impacts  the family system. Midlife can be difficult as it’s considered a time when people feel less energy, may have a decline in health, feel less attractive, less creative. It’s also a time when they may reexamine their lives and feel very dissatisfied. All of these changes create tension between parents and their adult children, and relationships between them typically improve once the young people leave the home. It’s all normal.

You say, “I’m a point where I need some advice on how to handle my family and live my life however I want to live it and not through some complaints or unwanted help. Should I stand up for myself or should I let life find a way?” It may be time to start to think about leaving home, if possible. If this is not possible, talk to your parents about the way you feel, and listen to them when they tell you how they feel. Be aware and understanding of what each of you is going through. As far as your sister goes, if visiting her causes you distress, don’t visit her.

Hang in there, Franky. It gets better.

B

Hi Bonni_mor,

Very well said. Yep, I totally see your point.

B