Annie,

I don’t think it’s wrong that you want to be selective in who you choose to be around you. I however think you might be pushing the limitations by trying to get your BF to assert to his sister to stay away from you. Its unfortunate, but you really cannot choose who your BF is connected to. Have you considered speaking to the sister? Maybe with a mediator (like your BF or his parents) and just hash out what the hell is going on. Because, it could simply be that (as you stated above) that she is just jealous and taking it out on you. This could just be because your the first one in the firing line. Whether it’s realistic or not for your BF to exclude his sister comes down to his choice. I believe that Anita also states to try speaking to your BF and not ‘make’ him understand, but try to convey your feelings on his sister.

Another logical conclusion, something which you could do, is simply ignore her. I know in the confines of a house, especially her family home, this is difficult. But having a strong mind against her weak insults may be better for the time being, rather than letting her get to you. I mean, you know ‘why’ she is doing it, and well it’s her own fault if she cannot get her act together. I know that it’s the principle that matters, you shouldn’t have to deal with this, but these are the cards that have been dealt. By no means should you accept the result, but her problem seems to be targeted at you, not her family. If her parents are embarrassed by her performance, then i would be making them aware of how she makes you feel. They might not (as you wrote) find it abusive, because they have lived with it for years. So try to impart that too to your BF, that what your BF and parents are feeling is based on previous experiences, which is not how you see it.

I hope this helps in some way, i feel you understand why she is doing this, but it still hurts no matter the whys. At some point you are going to have to speak to her, maybe even in a ‘teacher/ student’ kind of way. Because although you are not her family, she may become apart of yours.
MAtty

Hi Nina,

I agree with what the others have said. But i also wanted to add something to the mix. Trust is not something physical. As a result, we sometimes get confused by what trust actually consists of. As Anita stated above through your own words, you gave meaning to your own personal understanding of what trust means to you. People make a bit of a deal with living far distances away from the one you love. But it’s crucial to remember that distance doesn’t stop people from making mistakes or losing trust. I’m not quite sure how one goes about trust (my own personal question to myself currently) all I know is that when you feel comfortable that the other person is actually thinking about your well being, thinking about how you would react in X situation, then i think trust has been born. The main thing is that a bond is made before we can learn to trust one another, not the other way around, IMHO. By the sounds of things, you do trust your BF.

Insecurity is normal in the sense that as humans we are always afraid of losing what we have. Especially when we believe that we may not ever have ‘had’ something to begin with. In your case, it could just be that you feel that you haven’t formed a bond or relationship to the standard that you would of liked before the two of you were separated by space and distance. But this links into what you have mentioned about your previous relationships and that you are projecting your past worries and fears onto your current one. If anything, being away from each other gives you a better perspective on the relationship itself. Of course the relationship can ‘weaken’ in the sense that you are not together, sharing the same space as often as you want. But it can also ‘strengthen’ your relationship and make you truly cherish what you have.

I hope this has helped,
MAtty

@inky

Firstly, don’t think of introversion as being shy. Being introverted is more to do with social energy and comfort rather than being shy. For instance someone who is extroverted just gains more from social interaction than introverts who don’t need as much or none at all. I’m an introvert, but i’m not shy. I’m not trying to take away something you are familiar with, but its a common mistake people makes. They assume because they are shy that be extension they are introverts.

Onto your current issue. People come in and out of our lives. Whether for better or worst. I have heaps of experience in this matter. But something that is inherent in our social relationships is that we come together for a purpose. For instance what is the motivation between you and your friend? What connects the two of you together? People in sports teams might only be ‘friends’ because they are in the same team, not because they share mutual interests or experiences. Maybe you relationship has ended with this person because nothing is there anymore. It sucks, but this is what happens when you give a bunch of people unique and vastly different upbringings and make them share the same air. Eventually people want to do something else or move in another direction.

Being discarded is harsh, and i don’t know what i could say that would make you feel any better. What has happened has happened. Don’t let this make you regret ever getting to know her though. Or let it affect your future relationships. You have to go all in sometimes for what you want. And at the end of the day, if you have more wins than losses, than it must of been worth it. Don’t stop believing in others and trust those who you believe mean something to you. Just think of the good times, and move on with your life. Try to find someone else that you have a connection with.

If she recycles her friends, then it might be that she is more of a ‘user’ in the sense that she gains a lot from someone (emotional, physical or social benefits) and then once she finds someone else, she moves on. It could of been a one sided relationship and you were having so much fun, you were blinded by the reality. This is not your fault, shit happens.

Don’t see this as a ‘F’ on report card called life. Don’t think this makes you inferior or that you are setup for failure on the social front. People are ‘funny’ and unpredictable. It hurts, but at least you don’t have this person in your life dragging you down. Find someone who makes your life better who wants the same from you.

I hope this helps, if you want to say more, please write again 🙂
MAtty

@Ashley

People that get drunk like that and carry on, as you have stated are generally insecure. Because alcohol is meant to make you drop your defense and make you easier to get along with 😉 But, yeah fair enough, if you feel uncomfortable going further with this person, than don’t. It really can’t get better if she was carrying on like that.

In regards to going back to your ex as a friend, Anita makes a great point about ‘how’ hurt you and your family have been by his actions. But i think you also have to really think about where you want to be in 5, 10 years time, do you really want to be dealing with his actions (or inaction/s) in the future. Although you may be still in love with him or at least hold strong feelings for him, was that before everything went hot and cold. If so, then you basically have maintained an ‘ideal’ partner in your head, and hope that you can return to the way things were. there is nothing wrong with this, but it will always be in the back of your mind, what could and should be, rather than what is. Love is a complicated, abstract and slightly annoying word, because it means so much to so many different people. Your idea of love may be different to his, even though you share the same language (I assume) and have been/ are in a relationship. The question you need to ask yourself; could you live without him? Whatever the answer, that should give you an indication of where you want to go. It may not be easy, since you will most likely feel guilt or regret based on whatever action you take. I guess the main thing, is start weighing the pros and cons, try to be as objective as you can be on your current relationship with this person.

As for building close relationships with people. I have noticed that a lot of people ask this question here (i have too in the past) and i think people want to be genuinely accepted and understood by others but are also afraid of these peoples acceptance and understanding. By doing so you are allowing someone into your life, that you have judged to be worthy of your time. We all make judgments like these. Give people a chance. Give people a show of what you can do, if they are not attracted to it then you have to move on and try somewhere else. The space and communities you are a member of may not be seeing ‘you’ but just a name and face. The fact that you are moving gives you a great opportunity to set yourself up again, give people a chance to see your uniqueness.

And if people cannot see who you are, then you have to see yourself as unique and wonderful and that your life has value and meaning. Seek validation within yourself, seek to love yourself and embrace yourself. Be so brave and courageous in yourself that nothing can damage your calm and mindset. Friends and relationships are great fun, they can be supportive etc. etc. But if you can wake up every morning and know who you are inside and out, then you don’t need anyone to tell you who you are, you already know.

I hope some of this helps you, if you have any more to say, please write again 🙂
MAtty

@Name
Well, i guess the first thing to do is to talk to her about the future of your relationship. Then based on her responses go from there. If she is no longer ‘in love’ with you, then there is not much you can do to change her opinion. Maybe she isn’t into you like before. It will most likely be tough, the fact that she may want to move on, but if it’s a one sided relationship, and you are doing your best to appease her, your not really an equal member of the outfit. No matter what you do, you won’t be respected, cherished nor gain anything from her if she is not as invested in the relationship as you are. When you speak to her, try not to make ultimatiuums, like “I want you to do X, Y and Z”, instead try to discuss the future, what you want from the relationship and whether or not she sees you in her own future.

If you have more to add, please keep writing 🙂
MAtty

hey Pixelpixie,

Why do you feel guilty? Well, i reckon it’s because you are in a team, and you feel that if you quit and leave the team for good that everything after this point, is your fault. Your team is in shambles, cannot make the playoffs, doesn’t win anything, you blame yourself. I’m using a analogy, but the gist is that if you leave you feel that he will never find happiness, or that it’s your fault that the relationship has come to this point. It’s because you view yourself responsible, rather than seeing it as a collaborative effort. It does take two to tango, but then again if your dance partner is not receptive than you can only say you gave it your best shot.

I think that in relationships like this, people become comfortable. With that comfort, people can often forget that the relationship and the partners in that relationship are actually two different beasts. You stop asking questions and communicating because you take for granted that you know each other so well. We equate years with knowledge. I have studied Korean for 3 years now, Koreans and other learns go ‘whoa’. Whilst a girl studied by herself for 6 months is doing things i cannot. time doesn’t make you wiser, it’s what you do with that said time.

Also, you are apart of him, his identity and your own are constructed by marriage. You are the wife and him the husband. If you leave you lose that identity, that constant in your life that has validated not only who you are, by the choices you have made, the way you talk, the way you see the world etc. I assume since you were 21 years old, you have been connected together, validating and supporting each other. You feel guilt because when/ if you leave, you take away that part of his identity and your own. You are afraid that you are his everything. Which seems paradoxical, since you are not happy with being his happiness solely, but at the same time conflicted over whether to leave because you are everything to him (or see yourself vital to him).

I guess the way to overcome this guilt, is to acknowledge that your identity is more than just your husband. Look into the mirror and ask yourself, who am I? Who am i to myself and others around me? Say you like hiking, or reading, or having a nice glass of red or a cousin or sibling or a colleague etc. These things that are all apart of who you are and won’t change because you leave. You are still you, the only thing that changes is ‘wife’ becomes ‘ex-wife’. Don’t let a word determine your feelings. You will still be a caring person, a respectful person, you will still have traits and qualities independent from your relationship. At the same time, your husband has qualities as well that are independent. Also, try to understand that divorce is not a black mark against your name, it’s not an ‘f’ on your report card. Life is not simple, especially when you are living for two. If you are not happy now, and you have tried everything in your power to change that, then the future isn’t going to change, unless your husband tries as well. You are better off spending the rest of your life alone, happy and doing things you want to, rather than weighing yourself down and live with someone else. Being with a partner is actually meant to make life more rewarding, at least that’s what i think and hope.

I hope this helps you, if you have more to add please write again 🙂
MAtty

yo ilikeskiingandmovies1993,

I’m sorta in your position, in the sense that I struggle to fit into ‘cookie cutter’ groups and cliques. I was just thinking about how i failed this semester in really putting myself out there, and then i realized that i was going for quantity and volume rather than quality. From reading your post and correspondence, i think you want a lot (not that this is a bad thing), but really all you really want and need is an intimate connection with others, something that is meaningful and actually makes a difference to your life. When i mean intimate, i don’t necessarily mean romantic.

Also, something i discovered, much as you are now, is that just because you ‘hang out’ and go to the same school doesn’t mean you are actually friends. For 7-8 years I stuck with a bunch of fellas that i really enjoyed hanging out with. When it came to graduate high school i sort of started to question whether or not we actually had anything in common. Besides the same classes, our interest in video games and other stuff we had nothing else. Maybe this is the case with yourself? I actually feel i too missed out on forming stronger bonds with people outside my so called ‘friendship’ group, but hey, that’s life. You go left, they go right.

As others have mentioned, it’s not to late to meet new people, but i guess it’s hard because you have to release yourself from your current mindset. That you are going to die alone. Quite frankly, it doesn’t matter whether its a great thing or the most horrible experience imaginable….it always comes to an end. So try not to think of this part of your life as ‘definitely’ over. Just try and start again.

Secondly, you need to apologize to yourself. Clearly you feel that you haven’t spent your time wisely. You also want to have the same interactions as others who have best of mates, have cool stories to tell your kids, reminiscence with your partner about poor life choices and laugh them off. Maybe you want to be that guy who can walk through the yard and have peeps shout your name out and say “what’s up?”. But the limited time i had of this experience i felt on fire, like i was just feeling a head taller and confident as hell. But these relationships weren’t really…well ‘real’. At best i was an acquaintance at worst i was just someone in their class that made them feel less lonely and anxious. It’s not difficult to meet people who are deep and reflective like you are. It’s way more difficult for people to just open up and be deep and reflective, it’s like you have to show people that you respect their views and give them permission to do so. A lot of people may feel uncomfortable opening up. Heck, people can be in established relationships, have kids and grow old together and never really express deep and emotional opinions because they fear judgement from others, and the closer you are the harder it gets. Maybe that’s why you have moved in another direction from your other mates, because they feel that 4 years is enough that there really isn’t much to talk about. You are just enjoying each others company.

My final point, is that humans are annoyingly obtuse and complex. We say something with words, do the opposite with our actions. Our actions communicate one thing, but our words speak of another. Have you actually spoken to your mate, 1 on 1? I find that groups are the worst because you never show your true self in many of these ‘group’ situations because these groups have certain expectations about how you act in them. Try just having a chat, be honest. If he is being a dick about it, nothing you say will change his mind or your own. I guess it’s easier to cut your losses then continually trying to smash your head against a wall hoping to make lemonade.

I hope this helps, if you have more to add, please keep posting 🙂
MAtty